HUMOROUS.

New Zealand Mail, 21 July 1892, Page 37

HUMOROUS.

THINGS WE HAVE STOLEN. A CUBE FOB THE GBIP. A gentleman, aged 78, living in Kentucky, who went into a case of the grip weighing 126 pounds and came out of it at the end of a month weighing 140 pounds submits the following prescription :—Before breakfast: 1 drachm Bourbon whisky. 1 scruple of water. i scruple ammonia. Sugar to taste. 1 8-grain quinine pill. For breakfast from to of a fat rabbit fried; two to three slices of toast with plenty of molasses and butter, washed down with two cups of coffee. Before dinner (at noon) ; One drachm ‘ apple jack,’ two scruples of honey, with water and ammonia as above and the quinine. For dinner: Stewed rabbit, potatoes, milk, hot corn bread and fritters. Before supper : Two drachms of moonshine, three scruples of milk, sugar to taste. For supper : A quail with full supply of waffles, butter, molasses and coffee. Repeat the dose of moonshine at 9 o’clock and go to bed. The patient should quit the use of the medicine as soon as it has killed the grip or it will kill him also. Whether the peculiar ingredients of this cure can be secured outside of the State of Kentucky or not remains to be seen, but that it should prove effectual is not to be doubted in view of the facts at hand as to its efficacy. AS TO THE SERMON. There’s a man residing on Fort street in this town of Detroit who is sadly in need of missionary services being held over him. Last Sunday his wife made him go to church and on their way home she asked him what he thought of the sermon. His reply was mostly a grunt of disapprobation. ‘ Why don’t you say as you always do of sermons—that it was the usual cut and dried affair ?’ she asked tartly. ‘ Because, my dear,’ he replied pleasantly, 4 it ivasn’t. That is to say, it wasn’t altogether so.’

‘ Well, I’m glad to hear you say that much good of it,’ she said more agreeably. ‘ Thank you, dear,’ he went on. ‘As I was going to say, it wasn’t quite so bada3 you would have it, because it wasn’t cut half as much as it should have been, and was dried altogether too much.’ Then they walked on in painful silence.

A SILVER LINING. She (sobbing)— ‘ Poor little F —F—Fido is d—d —dead.’

He (calmly)— ‘ Well, my',dear, that dog never did like me. I can’t say that lam altogether sorry.’ She —‘ N—no, neither am I. I’ve got you left, and besides, black is awfully becoming to me.’ NO GRATUITY. Bulfmcli— ‘ So you’ve married Miss Spendlots.’ Wooden— ‘ Yes.’ Bulfinch— * Who gave her away V Wooden— ‘ Gave her away ? Well, considering the fact that we have only been married four weeks and she has cost me SIBOO, it doesn’t strike me that anybody gave her away.’ HE GOT IT. First Clerk —T am going in to strike the old man for a raise.’ (Ten minutes later.) Second Clerk — 4 Well, did he raise you ?’ First Clerk— 4 I should say so ! Didn’t you see me come through that door ?’ INNOCENT SOUL. Mrs Gofrequent— ‘ How quickly your husband has climbed to success in his business.’ Mrs Reolus Tate — 4 Yes. He had to climb. I’ve often heard him say that he got in on the ground floor.’ THE PROPER TREATMENT. Mr Veripoore— ‘ lam drunk with love of you, dearest one.’ Miss Veririch— ‘ So ? And you want to try the gold cure, do you V MORE THAN HE BARGAINED FOR. ‘ Well,’ said the merchant to the young clerk whom he had sent out collecting, ‘ did you have any luck ?’ ‘ Some.’ * I suppose you got the amount Mr Fatherington owes. You said he was a personal friend of yours.’ 4 No, I didn’t get the money ; the fact is I don’t exactly know what to make of my experience there.’ 4 How was it ?’ 4 1 went in and said : 44 Mr Fatherington, I called to speak about a matter ” I didn’t get any further when he put in with: 44 That’s all right, my boy ; she is yours ; take her and be happy.” ’