Disappointed Love.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 996, 3 April 1891, Page 4

Disappointed Love.

In the terribly artificial system under which we now live there is an amount of heartburning and bitter suffering going on all round us, of which, perhaps, none but the most callous or the utterly unobservant are ignorant, but little or nothing is said on the subject, a certain fatalistic notion being generally held that there is nothing to be done, and what can’t be cured must be endured. I allude to the pangs of disappointed lore, which often have the effect of spoiling long years of life. In considering this cause of human suffering it is proposed to leave entirely out of the question all habitual flirts, because they are generally case-hardened, or if they do get singed probably deserve their fate, as a a punishment for all the humiliation they have inflicted. It is also proposed to leave out of the question disappointed lovers of the male sex, not because they do not feel their sufferings just as keenly, but because I have not space here to discuss the subject-in all its

bearings, and because it is very much in their own power, as a rule, to remedy those sufferings, Man can fly to active pursuits of every conceivable nature, and so distract their their thoughts, by which they can deaden, and finally relieve their pain-. And if they ftrS disappointed by one they will generally find there is another equally desirable and vriore Willing to listen to their suit. They have arrogated to themselves the sole right of asking, and it makes little or no difference to their success in life in other ways how niariy girls they may ask in vain.., Th’e great Stanley Afrieamis dvdwed that DtSrßthy .Tencent was twelfth woman he had asked to be his wife, hut if outsiders can judge it would seem that he has at last been accepted by the woman of all women in the world beßt suited to him. Very, very different is the case of the young lady in conventional society, hedged round by countless bands of custom, proprieties, artificial modesty, and fear of the deadly voice of scandal, all of which leave her with no opportunity of judging of the characters of those men she does meet in a ceremonious way, and still less possibility of making her wishes known to tliG onß she Chooses, blindly, perhaps, bdfc yet with the whole force of a passionate young heart. For, as a rule, it is only those who are capable of deep overmastering love who are in any way troubled ; the cool natures can float with the stream, wait for the one that asks and any one will do just as well as any other. Suppose & young woman does stow hSF preference for any ohe Of her. male ac.qiidiii s tanecs, immediately & iiumber Of frleiidS thtoVv up theit hands arid Wag their heads and declare Diat hfef conduct is most improper. By tlieir clatter they often succeed in persuading the man himself that she is indelicate in showing her preference, and they may even succeed in making him forget that naturally a woman has just as much right to have and to show her feelings, aS a inan has, though custom has deprived, her of that natural rigliV,

Colonies, where women play such an ilctive and indispensable part in carrying on the work and making it possible to found new British nations, it has been absolutely necessary to allow them much greater freedom than they ever enjoyed in England, though, perhaps, not so much as they have achieved in America. But even in the colonies there are censorious people who will talk scandalously if they see a girl going about with a man fed whom she is not engaged-. Yet,.lidw iipfin earth is a girl to kndw Anytiiirig of the character of the . m&n td whotii she is td dslivdir herself over body and mind iff irretrievable bonds if she does not go about with him beforehand? And once she is engaged it is too late almost to study his character, for jilting is always regarded as highly discreditable, and if a girl does that twice or three times she is likely to be avoided.

How many refined and high-spirited young women under pressure of these cruel customs have never told their love, though could they have told it, all might have been well, or at least certainly Would have replaced the carking cares of suspense ? And how real and howhard to bear are the sufferings that must thtis be borne in silence the complete alteration that they usually work in the victim’s appearance plainly shows. Under the present system of educating women she has before her no career, no hope of any absorbing pursuit to bring interest into her life. She must either give herself in marriage to another man with whom she is not in love, or, if she shrinks from that desecration, she must remain all the days of her life shut out from her natural rights as a woman in the artificially-made forlorn position of ‘ an old maid.’ The question here discussed is one of intense importance to women, and ought to meet with their earnest consideration. If customs survive the period when they were of use, and continue into a period when they become disastrous, it behoves all women with- hearts and minds to study those customs to endeavour to overthrow them; to lop them off like dead branches on a fair fruit tree ; in short, to act for good if anything may be done to modify sufferings caused hy conventionality. To begin with, there are many who think that girls and boys should be brought up together more than they are at present, so that they may know more about each other. Under the present methods boys and girls are almost entirely separated, both in actual fact, and also by the girls being so much excluded from the studies and amusements that interest boys and young men, that when they do come together they seem to have nothing in common, except what is called love. The effect of this isolation upon girls undoubtedly (whatever it may be upon the boys) is to cause them when they grow up to be too ready to fall in love without much cause, except the unusual sensation of having the masculine element brought into friendly association.

In this matter of the separation of youth I have given the idea of others, because I have not yet studied and compared a sufficient number of cases to be in a position to advocate any one method, but it is a subject well worthy to be examined, compared, and discussed by women, who would gladly add their push to the wheel of Human Progress. If a young woman has been so unlucky aa to ‘ fall in love ’ with a man who evidently enjoys her sooiety, but makes no proposals of marriage to her, she is placed by the conventionalities of sooiety in a miserable plight. She oannot resolutely turn away to others and abandon all thoughts of him, because Ms demeanour makes it impossible not to nourish hopes ; and she oannot find out the truth because English etiquette gives to man only the right of speaking first. I say English etiquette advisedly, for it is not universal —there are countries where the women have to make the first proposals. Then, not knowing the truth, the young woman goes about in the tremors of nn» certainty, her heart like a ball of lead within her, and her friends Bee her lose her spirits, her appetite, and her beauty, but they can do nothing to help her. She has usually bat two alternatives. She may accept another man, for whom perhaps she has none of the sentiments or the enthusiasm she felt for the first. Then indeed she is a

slave to conventionality, living either a false or a withered life. Oc‘ she may remain single, when the chancea are as women are thro tight up now-a-days, that- she will live "an arid, joyless life, even if she be not permanently soured by her disappointment. Here ia another of the many strong reasons why women should not be merely taught superficial accomplishment?, nut should be trained as seriously as men are trained to some calling, by which they will be made quite independent of marriage, not only in money matters, but for interests and aims in life. Were young women taught to look upon marriage the same way that men do, as a secondary and not absolutelynecessary occurrence in the filling out of life, they would not be so utterly downcast in the event of disappointment. They would throw themselves with energy into their chosen calling, and so work off their chagrin and rise superior to it, in the pleasure they would soou experience in pro- ■ dncing or shaping or managing things of real use in the world. For there is joy in work that has acknowledged value and receives its just reward. Unfortunately women’s work, though as indispensable as man’s, too often receives no reward, except food and clothing, without which she could not do her work. But the time is fast coming when • women will not be content to work for , nothing, or to be shut oat of her share of the world’s work, and be compelled to pine in silence. Mothers! This ia your plain duty to your daughters, that you should gi v e them sa thorough training in some one calling, by which they will be independent and selfeufficing. Then if a happy marriage intervenes, well and good. Nothing is waster. The excellent effects of training will show in her life, but if as too often happens she finds herself ill-mated, then she will not be compelled to endure every indignity, every insult or brutal treatment, every misdeed of her partner, for want of means of earning a livelihood ; or if she is left a widow, she need not resort to the humilitation of begging all round her circle of friends, if ehe have her own calling by which she can support herself. If those who are now smarting from the effects of indifference, where they wish for love, could only profit by the experience of others. They will not, of course. But if they could they might remember that many a girl who has gained her passionately desired lover, has after a time even more passionately wished that she could have her freedom again. When a woman marries she enters into bondage. She gives, herself, or rather is compelled by law to deliver herself body and miad to another human being who may be good to her, or who may abuse his artifically created preposterous power, and treat her in a way that no one would endure if not compelled by law and custom to do so. Tim overweening power is a temptation to men, who, If it did not exist, would seldom venture to show such indifference or contempt, snob fury and irritability, or to oast such humilations upon their companions os they now too frequently do. We who are blest with good husbands, have all known too well how many women are victims to bad ones, to whose abuse of power the law gives the wivea over bo completely and irretrievably* This state of things is the survival of barbarous times, and I trust is fated to pass away before the light of the twentieth century, just as other barbarisms, such aa witch killing and torture, did pass away before the approaching light of the nineteenth.

If it is said that I express all sympathy for the unhappy wives and none for the unhappy husbands, I say that the men have the making of the laws, the remedies lie in their own hands and might long ago have been discovered and applied had their wrong 9 or sufferings ever pressed so grievously upon them as those of the women have pressed upon womankind. To all young women, then, I say, whether you are disappointed in love or still untouched by it, choose some calling which suits your taste or surroundings, and which, if energetically developed, can be the means of raising yon into entire independence, then throw your whole sonl and enthusiasm into that, determined to make it a sucopss. You will be surprised to find how the little blind god will be overshadowed by a strong purpose, which will bring deep interests and the sunshine of prosperity to your hearts. ' It would truly be a good deed if some of the weekly or monthly journals would give detailed accounts of some of the many oallings which women might easily work with success. If a girl has command of land, fruit growing, growing plants for scents, perfume distilling, olive, mulberry and silk culture, pepper, carraway Beeds, and many other things might be done as well and successfully by women as by men—the proof ib that they are at this vary time being done by women and made to pay. In. towns if a girl has command of a small piece of land or a certain area of glass house, she might cultivate the flowers so much used for ornamental purposes, and also such fruits as grow in orchard houses. The trades are all open to women, who are, I believe, generally successful where they enter upon any of these. There are innumerable openings, which will certainly be increased as people become accustomed to the idea of women striking out paths for themselves, instead of forever hanging upon one sole staff, which as often as not falls upon them like the sword of Damocles. But women to be Buccesefnl, must train for their work till they are well versed in all the knowledge and skill necessary to make them thoroughly efficient. Girls might often gain efficient knowledge from members of their own family if they were not absorbed in petty occupations, receiving and paying hollow society visits, and wasting so many precious hours on the study of the latest fashions, which, as they come out, seem each one to be more ridiculous and uncomfortable than those that went before. If, however, they have not now the proper means of necessary training, they must exert themselves, remembering that they form a large and important part of the population, and have a right to their fair share of advantages and privileges. As a matter of fact they have vast power if they wonld but take it up and use it. When women first

determined to train for the medical profession there were no means open to them, but by unconquerable will they obtained the means, and caused them to be thrown open to all. So in all those callings for which there are as yet no means open to them for technical training, they mast bring about the means by insisting upon having them. Whatever women will to have they can have, if they only will strongly enough and are muted, and will make it quite clear to themselves and to others what it is they will to have. Let thorn do this, and I warrant we Bball not have oo many young women pining away from disappointment in love. Excelsior.