Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 996, 3 April 1891, Page 7

Humorous.

Broken hearts are never dangerous as long as dioner tastes good. , Life is a lottery ; and the man who tafces no chances in it can never win anything. The,highest exercise of charity is chanty toward the uncharitable. So says a French Ph phiHatine— ‘ Of what use is the editor of a paper V Young Reporter—* To make a long story short.’ . . A man can do no better thing than to try to live up to his mother’s estimate of llioQ r The truth should not be spoken at; all times ; and even a lie shonld be given a little rest between campaigns. Whenever you hear a man say that an men are alike it is an apology for some very contemptible scoundrel. Second Sight— * Theirs was a case of love at first sight.* ‘Why didn’t they marry? ‘They changed their mind 3 at second Ancestry is like homoeopathic medicine, the oftener it is dilated the greater the potency. breaking by the card. Doubts gather thickly, like bees from a hive. When the other man answers, Well, i u raise it five.’ Too Tonic —‘ Why do you object to German opera ? It is full of vigor ;it braces me right up.’ * That’s my objection to it; it is Teutonic.’ Nothing Like Success —Success is the card that wins. Even the successful fool is applauded, while the philosopher who fails is hissed. ARGUE NOT A treasure which time cannot blot Is matrimonial peace ; Bnt he must be an argue—not Who culls this golden fleece. ‘So you imagine the next world will be muon like this one?’ ‘ Why, yes. There will be lots of red-hot politicians there, 1 imagine. . If people worked as hard after a marriage to keep each other as they did before the engagement to win each other, marriage would be more of a snooess. Ethel—* Do you thiufc there will be marriage in Heaven 2' Maud— * Por your sake I trust so, dear. Eternity may furnish you the opportunity wbioh time reTHE TELEPHONE OE LOVE. A poet wrote to his lady love I hear each word you say, For my ears stretch out to where you are Though ten thousand miles away. Namby ‘ They don’t speak now.' Famby— ‘ Why not ?’ Namby—* She asked him to guess her favourite sacred song, ana he mentioned the one beginning, * Oh, for a thousand tongues !’ • Cousin Ethel, I want you to be my wife.’ ‘ Family history establishes quite another precedent. Henry ; my mother was a sister to your father. X think we’ll lollow the precedent.’ ■ pfU your mind with useful information, my yonng friend,’ said the pro=y old man. * Kemember the empty bag cannot stand upright.’ * What’s the matter with a balloon?’ asked the irreverent yonth. Caught in the Act —* Officer,’ he whispered mysteriouslv. * arrest that man with the fish.’ ‘What for?’ * I saw him hook em. The average sensation newspaper article is like a pair of tongs ; a big head, and all the rest is extenuation. Tangle— * What a pretty little carriage Miss Tiff has. Mrs Tangle— ‘ Yes ; that must be the carte blanche she told me her papa bad given her.’ Littleton—* Why did you retire from business ? Didn’t you make expenses ? Singleton —‘Yes, just lots of them; that s the reason I retired.’ A little Vain—Yabsley— ‘ Madge tells me that he does not believe in the Bible. Wickwlre —* Oh, well, you couldn’t expect him to. He didn’t write it, you see.’ * Miss Antique is delirious. The doctor says it is the result of great joy.’ ‘ What caused it?’ ‘ The census-taker asked her if there were any other young ladies in the house.’ , Distressed Father—‘Of what does your floating debt consist V Prodigal Son—- « Money advanced me for things that I have pot in soak.’ Overtaxing Her Strength.—He— Why, what makes you so tired ?’ _ She— * I have just finished reading an article on physical exercise.’ A Mystery Cleared Up.—Ono Harvard young man makes a concise explanation of the academic success of young women: *Of course girls can get on. They have nothing else to do but study. We have. GeDius in the Suggestion. —Mr Miffson (a wealthy widow) —‘ My little boy is very slow about learning to walk. I really don’t know what to do about it. Miss Passay—- « Why don’t you get him a step mother ?’ ‘Do you notice how beautifully Willie Wiukletou drop hi 3 h’s since he came back from the other side ?’ ‘Yes. Yon see, he had his tongue vaccinated for the correct accent while he was in Sydney.’ Miss Fiancee —‘Do you get any time to practice now, Lena V Mrs Younghusband—•O, yes, plenty of it, Mis 3 Fiancee—‘lndeed I I. am surprised. What are you practicing S’ Mrs Younghusband— * Strict economy.’ . ... . ~ A well-known statesman, visiting at the house of a certain bishop, asked for a kiss from his host’s tiny, blue eyed, flaxenhaired daughter, who was handing him some bread and Batter at afternoon tea in the drawing-room. ‘No,’ said the child, _ ‘I won’t tiss ’oo.’ *Vthy?’ he asked, smiling. To the amazement of the other guests, the child replied— * ’Cause my nurse says ’oo is ruining the country!’ THINGS THAT ADAM WOULD RECOGNIZE. If Adam would come back again He’d find the globe so changed, He’d hardly think it was the world In which he one time ranged. Until be saw some of the jokes That in his time had birth Now used for new, and then he’d know It was the same old earth.

‘ Vat-th the matter with yer, Ithrael ?’ * I'm exerthi’d in my mind, Thimoon. Theretli a newthpaper fellow thays itth immoral of me to take sixty per cent for the money I lend.’ * And tho it ith, Itlirael, ven you can get thevinty.’ To most children, the bare suggestion of a floae of castor oil Is nauseating., When physio is necessary for the little ones, use Ayer’s Cathart’o Pills. They are safe and pleasant to take. Try them.