Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 995, 27 March 1891, Page 7

Humorous.

Society Note—The ciphers are as two to one in any 400. It is not so muoh what a man' lias been as what he is and is striving to be that counts. Never place so much confidence in your minister as to sleep during the sermon. It is true, though it sounds paradoxical, that a man never has any trouble in finding trouble. Two Problems of the Future—What shall we do with the manly young woman and with the effeminate young man ? When a man mends tbo error of his ways it will usually be found that it was a woman who sewed on the patches. ‘ Does your gambling friend play fair ?’ * I should say he does ! Ho is always broke.’ Why are pawnbrokers like pioneers of progress 1 Because they are always ready to make an advance. Never judgo a man by the umbrella he carries ; he may liavo just left an old cotton one for it at the place where he last called. < Why is it that your friend always ends his bouts in such a hurrah ?’ * Can’t imagine, unless it’s because he indulges too freely in the cup that cheers.’ 1 Did you see anything personally applicable in the parson’s sermon this morning ?’ ‘ No, but I thought it gave sorno of my neighbours a pretty hard rap.’ Smiley—Now, remember, I don’t want a very large picture.’ Photographer—All right, sir. Then please close your mouth.’ Set Right.—* Do you’belong to the church ?’ inquired the clergyman of the janitor. ‘No,’ replied the janitor; ‘the church belongs to me.’

More Than She Asked For. —Mrs Spooney —Will you love me just as much darling when lam old ? Mr Spooney —More, Lydia; you won’t be so silly then 1 * Did you tip the waiter ?’ asked a diner in the House restaurant of a new comer. , ‘ No ; but I felt as if I’d like to tip him over and then step oil him.’ * What a pretty girl Jimson’s typewriter must be,’ mused Watts. ‘ I nsver saw such an outrageous lot of misspelled words in a business letter before in all my days.’ A Solicitous Daughter.—Old Gentleman (at head of stairs)—Sally, ain’t it time to go to bod ? Sally—Yes, father, dear, don’t put it off another minute ; your health, you know, is not robust.

The newspapers are forever speaking of * the blushing bride.’ Well, when you reflect upon the kind of husbands not a few of the brides marry, you cannot wonder that they should blush. ‘ How does it happen that Dr Worldly performs the marriage ceremony for so many old maids ?’ ‘ Oh, he always asks them iu an audible tone if they are of age, and they all like him.’

A—There is a most remarkable echo in a cave in the Nelson district. B—What is there remarkable about it ? A—lf you call out, ‘ Hello, Smith !’ the echo says, ‘ What Smith do you mean ?’ no less than fourteen distinct times. A story is related of a clergyman who found it very difficult to persuade his people to stand during the presentation of the alms. Finally he told them that perhaps it was better so, that only those should rise who had made a contribution. On the next occasion the entire congregation stood up, though there was no increase in the amount of the collection. ‘ Why, my dear, you had a party last month. How often do you wish to entertain your friends 1 ‘ This is not to entertain my friends, but to snub my enemies,’ An Old Question Answered. —Ferguson— Whv did Richard 111. offer to give his kingdom for a horse? McCusick —I don’t know, unless he had once paid cab hire in Wellington and thought it would be cheaper to own a horse, no matter what ho paid for it. Second Nature. —‘ This room is very close,’ remarked the guest to the head waiter, ‘ can I have a little fresh air?’ The well-drilled automaton raised his voice to a high pitch. • One air !’ he yells, after a pause adding, ‘ let it be fresh 1’ A Growler’s "View.— ‘ It’s very strange that they do not have the bridegroom given away at weddings the same as the bride is,’ remarked Mrs Trotter. ‘ Humph !’ growled Mr T. ‘No need to give him away—he’s the one that is generally sold.’ A young man was calling on a county councillor’s daughter the other evening when the father appeared at the parlour door. ‘ May I come in V he asked, hesitatingly. « Oh, yes,’ she answered, ‘ you may, but we have a quorum without you.’ « My hands are awfully cold,’ said the pretty girl, suggestively, during the last quarter of a starlit sleigh ride. ‘ Why didn’t you bring a muff with you ?’ asked the practical young man, prosaically. ‘I did!’ she snapped ; but she wouldn’t explain where the muff had gone to, and he has been wondering ever since just what she meant. « Well, young man,’ said a prospective father-in-law, * I know of nothing against you, but er—are you in a position to keep a wife, and —er—family?’ ‘l ean keep a wife, sir,’ answered the prospective son-in-law, ‘ but I bar the family ! If I choose to invite you to spend a week or so with us, well and good ; but as to keeping you, that’s not in my programme.’ TO THE NEWEST FASHION, My mother bids me die my hair A lovely auburn hue, She says I ought to he aware It’s quite the thing to do. < Why sit,’ she cries, ‘without a smile, ‘ While others dance instead V Alas 1 no partners ask me while My tresses are nob rod. When no one else at all is near, And I am quite alone, I sadly shed a bitter tear To think the season’s gone. But when the time again draws nigh The time when maidens wed, I’m quite resolved to ‘ do and dye I My tresses shall be red 1