Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 994, 20 March 1891, Page 7

Humorous.

Every day there is an explosion of some thing—a safety lamp, a boiler or a theory. You cannot tell which way a train has gone by the tracks it leaves. Willis — 1 Money talks you know.’ Wallace —‘ That isn’t surprising. Money is tight.’ So many people when they find they are fit for nothing else, try to be good. Which is the most reprehensible of all Engglish games ?—Cricket, because of its wicketness. ‘ Why, yonr husband sings all day long, like a bird.’ ‘ Except when I ask him for money. Then he talks short all day, like a bear.’ ‘ Daddy, I want you to give me five shillings a week pocket money 1’ ‘ I couldn’t do it, my little chap. It’s too much!’ * Well, I must have it. If you won’t I shall go and bet!’ . ‘ A pretty woman Is always right,’ said the flatterer. For once in a way he actually spoke the truth ; for who ever yet heard of a pretty woman being left ? ,J * We all of us have some affliction or other.* * Very true. What is the name of your particular affliction ?’ ‘ Eliza.’ On a Visit of Sympathy.—First Sister — «Why don’t you cry ?’ Second Sister — * Can’t. Left my embroidered-handkerchief at home.’ ‘ Do you distrust fat men, captain ?’ * Well, no,’ replied the old sea-dog; ‘ Not exactly, but I always give them a wide berth.’ The tall hat, a London journal notes, is now a hundred years old. And now and then you meet with one on Lambton Quay that looks it. After a man has made a certain amount of money his neighbours begin to hear he bad ancestors. It is a glorious thing to resist temptations, but it will be money in your pocket if you avoid them. There is an hour in childhood days Which young girls fondly bless ; Its when they tightly pull their stays And don their first long dress. Knowles —* Fassett’s making a fortune. Bowles— r How ?’ Knowles— ‘ He has invented a process for manufacturing interchangeable monograms for engagement rings.’

Jenkins —‘Now I understand correctly, the first principle of Socialism is to divide with your brother man,’ Fenly—‘ Then you don’t understand correctly. The first principle of Socialism is to make your brother man divide with you.’ ‘ Papa/ remarked Johnny, ‘ I should like to be a pirate when I grow up., ‘ All right, my boy/ returned the old gentleman, ‘ wo will put you in charge of the humorous column on a religious newspaper/ Despairing Lover (bitterly)— ‘ I daresay it would rejoice you to see me blow out my brains in front of you. Mocking Maiden—- ‘ No, it would not rejoice me, Louis, but it would certainly surprise me/ Bobby (at breakfast table) —* Clara, did Mr Spooner take any of the umbrellas or hats from tbe hall last night !’ Clara— ‘ Why, of course not. Why should he 1’ Bobby—- ‘ That’s what I’d like to know. I thought he did, ’cos I heard him say when ho was going out, “ I’m going to steal just one,” and—why, what’s the matter, Clara 1’ ,

NO MORE CHESTNUTS. Tell us not in mournful numbers That the tariff is a tax ; Leave that chestnut to its slumbers ; Give us now some solid facts, Miss Wellalong —* What a spiteful little thing that Miss Youngly is 1 Why, would you believe it, Mr Candor, she told me the other day that I was getting to look old. Now, you don’t think anyone would take me for being old, do you, Mr Candor 1’ Mr Candor —‘ Well, one might for just a moment, but Certainly not after he had heard you talk. The Day after the Wedding.—Scene—(Crowded coffee-room of the Lorn Warden.) He— * No, don’t make a fool of yourself, or talk to mo in whispers; or show everybody that we are just married, you know/ She—- ‘ All right, Regie. (Loudly.) Tea, did you say ? I forget, dear, if you take sugar ?’ Veneer. Young Widow—‘Oh 1 Captain Wylde, I am just going to see about a stone for my late husband’s grave. Won’t you come with me, and give me the benefit of your advice ?’ Gallant Captain— ‘ With pleasure ; I shall be delighted V The Chat Turned Upon Absent Friends.— * Fluter is an out-and-out good fellow/ says Plankdown; he’ll do anything for anybody/ ‘ And anybody for anything/ said Sharpus, as if he had been a lucifer match that had been trodden on.

Expensive Elements.—There is ono point in common with all cigars, and that is they contain ascetic, formic, butyrio, valerio, proprior.ic, prussic and carbolic acids; creosote, sulphurated hydrogen, piridine, veredine, picoline and rubidene, and, therefore, one must not expect to get a good one for less than threepence. MISUNDERSTOOD. The deacon was little, and wiry and thin, But his temper was robust and stout ; He was mad at the preacher most everyono knew, But could’t find out what about. The pastor as well was quite in the dark, And his error was slow to defect, Till the deacon at last Bpit it out in his spite—‘Ho called me a Baptist insect!’