Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 978, 28 November 1890, Page 7

Humorous.

A Wellington amateur has written a novel entitled * The Oath.’ The hero is a Wairarapa bullock puncher. ‘Good gracious, Tommy, where have you been? ‘I fell into the pond in Newtown Park, papa.’ ‘ And with your nice new trousers on.’ ‘ Well, papa, I hadn’t time to take them off before I fell in.’

Memo For The Hutt Park Races—The man who continues to back risky horses seldom gets to the front.

Unless a man has a character that will not Bhow dirt he had better keep out of politics.He wrote to his best girl at the Upper Hutt—‘l luv you. You have cast a spell around me.’ And his best girl answered, ‘ Why don’t you use it.’ ‘ How is it that you are not yachting this season?’ said Young Fledgley to Brown on the opening day of the Wellington yachting last Saturday week. ‘ Oh, I’ve signed the pledge,’ said Brown.’ This requires thinking over =

A Wellington barrister, who is shortly going to enter the holy estate of matrimony was seen scribbling on his brief the other day in Court. Later in the day his clerk, happening to glance at the writing, read these old lines : ‘ Fee simple or a simple fee, And all the fees entail, Are nothing when compared to thee, Thou best of fees—female !’

‘Fellow oitizens,’ thundered a Wellington political candidate the other evening. * Fellow citizens, what, I ask again, is our country coming to? And echo answers “What?”’ ‘ Fardon me, sir,’ interposed a mild*looking man iu the audience, rising to his feet, * did I understand your question to be, “ What is our country coming to?”’ ‘Yes, sir.’ ‘And you say echo answers “ What ?”' ‘ That is what I said, sir.’ ‘ Then there’s something wrong with the acoustics of this building,’ said the mild-looking man, shaking his head in a perplexed way and sitting down again. A olergyman, whose name we suppress on account of his sacred calling, was absorbed in thought a few Sundays ago, just before divine service began, when he was approached by the organist, who asked, referring to the opening hymn, ‘ What shall I play ?’ ‘ What kind of a hand have you got?’ responded the absent-minded clergyman. A few days ago a party of Wellington citizens were camped out in Worser Bay at the entrance to the harbour. One of the Party was a German, another a Englishman, and the third an Irishman. At an early hoar m the morning a shock of earthquake awoke wo of them. The German got alarmed, and said to the Englishman, ‘ Ach, Himmel, dis is serious. I dink de day of judgment has arrived. . * Ob, go to sleep, and don’t worry yourself, said the Englishman, who turned on is side and snored the snore of the just. But 0 German was uneasy in his mind. He awoke the Irishman just as a second e&rfcht aa * Fhwat the divil’s that ?’ said 0 Irishman. ‘ Aoh, my friend, said the werman, ‘ dis is de day of judgment, and I ■ rea^7* > * *0 sleep, you old stupid,’ iu the Irishman, ‘ you are all right. Did j r ever know the day of judgment to como Wjthe middle of the night/

Hailstones intended for publication are usually as big as hen’s eggs. You can t teh about the milk by the colour of the cow. ,

A man who is too weak to stand up may belong to the best ‘ set.’

‘How do you vote?' ‘I vote as I pray.’ Ah ! morning, noon, and night ?’ The German authorities will no doubt establish a telephone station at Hello-ao-land. \ 6

. It i® said that the onon is a great oure for insomnia—provided you sleep alone. The man you meet going down the hill was at one time higher than you are. He (sadly) : ‘ I have not seen my wife’s face for two years.’ She: ‘ Why not?’ He: * She paints.’

Long faces and cheerless hearts in church members have done as much to keep the devil in good spirits as the distilleries.

No, ‘ Constant Reader,’ it is not called a baby farm because they raise children on it. Quite the contrary ; it is where they do not raise children.

Before marriage a woman is interested in everything he says ; after marriage she is interested in things he does. Judge : ‘Have you ever seen the prisoner at the bar ? Witness : ‘ Never, your honor; but Ive seen him when I strongly suspected he d been at it.’

Algernon : ‘Tommy, do you think your sister would marry me ?’ Tommy : ‘ Yes, she’d marry almost anybody, from what she said to ma.’ * What are the wild waves saying V They were recently heard to remark: ‘ Don’t make a fool of yourself, and get out beyond your depth !

~ No Romance.— ‘ It is very sad,’ she mused, but Charley hasn’t got a bit of romance. Last night I said to him, » My king,” and he turned suddenly, and growled out, “Mike whop’ Practical Astronomy.—Daisie : ‘ What surprises me about the stars is not their sizes and their distances and all those horrid things hut how they ever found out what all their names were.’

Pertinent Queries.—First, Boarder : ‘ Why do you always lock the door of your room when you go out? Second Boarder: ‘How does it happen that you know it is always locked ? J

Lady Physician: ‘I think the shade of his complexion is more harmonious to-day, and the tint of his tongue more delicate. Just out this plaster on the bias and arrange ifc’artistioally on his forehead, Intermix this powder with water, and let him introduce it into his interior at intervals of one hour each. A GENIUS. He knows the width of trousers that a gentleman should wear, And just how high a collar ought to be ; He can sport a single eye-glass with the strictly proper air, And he can find a shirt that fits him to aT. He can get through conversations with half a dozen word 8; And can tell just what a cigarette contains ; He escapes the ills of labour that oppress the common herds— And yet some people say he hasn’t brains.