Humorous.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 976, 14 November 1890, Page 7

Humorous.

A red-nosed, needy, would-be politician waited upon a well-known Government supporter the other day, and after dilating upon the approaching election, and reminding him that he—the needy one—had a vote, suggested that the G.S. should use his influence while he was yet in power to get the applicant a billet. The member proceeded to write a letter of introduction to one of the heads of departments :—‘ This will introduce Mr Blank, who desires employment ’ ‘Hold on!’ roared the applicant. ‘Hold on! it isn’t employment I want, it’s a Government billet 1’ *1 want you to let me have half a dozen fairly cheap engagement rings on time payment,’ said a masher to a Lambton Quay jeweller the other day. ‘ What on earth do you want half a dozen for ?’ was the reply, ‘ ope is usually enough at a time.’ * I know it is, but I am going for a fortnight’s trip down South, and that alters the case.’ Miss Patty Prettyface went for a drive through Pitone last Sunday, and, when nearing* McNab’s Gardens, grew excited at the rural prospect. ‘ Oh ! oh! just look at those dear little cows !’ A youthful native who overheard her said, ‘ Them ain’t cows, them’s calves.’ ‘ Oh, how awfully nice. Can I go into the paddock and remove tho jelly from their feet before it spoils ?’ And the rustic smiled, and passed on. ‘Clara, my dear,’ said a mother to a High School girl the other day. ‘ Now tell me the truth, did Charles kiss you when you went for ? walk with him on the Thorndon Esplanade ,“ st night ?’ ‘ Well, mamma, there was a shght labial juxtaposition as Charles and I sat on one of the iron seats, but I assure you . was only momentary, and therefore innocuous.' 1 That is right my dear, I am glad JOU did not let him kiss you.’ Ho news is bad news to editors. A dwarf can tell just as big a lie as a giant. deviL*^ 0n A man’s brains vary inversely as the size of his mouth. in debt—accepting presents from la,!?, 6 , method of book-keeping—Don’t lend them to anybody. 8 ome P eo ple get through life in much the Crow ° d Way as a ehimney sweep gets through a von^ Cre j 3 one every one thinks about money* 111 * * 8 hhat you. ought to save wifib m fl n finds a button in his salad he the dressilf e excuse that it is part of * our father is sitting up Mte 2 h ’ . Miss Oldy: ‘Yes. I fancy he 11, 8 to give us his blessing.’ the«o 6 Wouldn’t say “ shoulder arms ” to hav o ‘Why not?’ ‘They "shn, : hut swords. ‘Ho should say shoulder blades.’” ' ; * liie *i^ otnari 8 ' dea °f a perfect man is a man Per man B h.° hhes best; b, man’s idoa of a knew Woman * B a woman unlike any he ever

The devil sighs when he sees so many liars forgetting the first principles of their occupation, which is to make the lie resemble the truth. When a man tells you that salary is no object to him you have found one of two things—either a man who is a fool or a man who takes you for one. You may bruise, you may batter The dude if you will, But the cigarette odour Will cling to him still. If a man is standing in a waggon that is being loaded with cotton bales, and one of them knocks him into the street, is it correct to say that he had been baled out ? Certainly not I How ridiculous 1 How touchy of him.—Captain Darby: ‘ I can’t understand anybody admiring donkeys, can you, Miss Ethel ? I think they’re awfully silly looking beasts.’ Ethel: ‘And yet I’ve heard people admire you, dear.’ (She only said it as a joke, but he broke it off.) Snodgrass: ‘ I’d like to pay that bill, but I can’t just now. You mußt give me time.’ Creditor : ‘ I don’t mind giving you time, but you seem to want eternity.’ ‘lf there is anything that excels all else for appallingness it is the situation of a man who gets caught in a rain storm in a flannel Bhirt which is already too small for him. Gus : ‘lf you don’t give it to me at once I’ll kiss you.’ Madge: ‘And if I give it to you you will let me alone ?’ Gus: ‘ Certainly.’ Madge : ‘ Well—you can’t have it.’ Incongruity.—Mr Figg : ‘What are you thinking over so deeply, my dear ?’ Mrs Fig: ‘ I was just wondering whether to cut off Tommy’s curls or to make him stop sweariug.’ Moore records the story of Lord W saying in one of his speeches, ‘ I ask myself so and so,’ and repeating the words ‘ I ask myself.’ ‘Yes, answered LordEUenborough, ‘ and a d d fooHsh answer you’ll get.’ Bobby G. to Mr S., (who is spending the evening).—‘ Won’t you show me your fiddle one day, please?’ Mr S.: ‘Fiddle, Bobby? I have no fiddle.’ Bobby: ‘ Oh, yes, you have. I heard papa say you’ve played second fiddle ever since you got married. The pleasures of moving.—lt isn’t till a man moves that he begins to realise how easy it is to accumulate a lot of things that neither he nor anybody in his family will ever want. Bambo (severely): ‘ The fact is, you are too lazy to work. Ponsonby (indignantly): ‘No, sir ! I am willing to work; but I want a situation where I can work when I feel like it, take as many holidays as I please, and never get docked.' Bambo: ‘ Why don’t you run for the House of Bepresentatives ?' TWO JOURNEYS. ’ A college man to. Hades went, Some things he wished to learn ; They sent him back to earth because '• ] He was too green to burn. A college girl to Heaven went, I do not know her plan, But I know she came to earth again, She said, to see a man.