The Lime-kiln Club.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 946, 18 April 1890, Page 8

The Lime-kiln Club.

Just previous to the openjug of the qieqting Prof. Low Pressure Harriqgton dashed into. Paradise Hall with the startling announcement that an assassin who. hiddeq the alley had attempted his life as fie qaiqo along. Y ai^ous members rushed out, but the unknown was gone. The fact that he bqd been there was plain enoqgh, however, as q large club, into, whieffi three ol,d knife biqdeq had been driven was found pn the ground. He had struck at tfie Professor, with tffis.' but the latter had jumped over and a dead cat and avoided the bjo.w. The cause of this attempted assassination is doubtless to be found in the faqt tijmk Prof. Harrington enjoys th,e national distinction of being able'to throw a hqt off his ffead byworking his. ears back aud fortffi Several other parties are, extremely jealous q£ him because of this forte, a n .d it i s expected the would-be assassin hails from St. Lpi’*' and (s a party named Sunrise Jacl"" ltJ| is being vigorously seam*"' . oon . He vicinity, ana if fon*" 5 ' for in this to further *’-■ no won’t have any ears with. IT WAS A FAILURE. In opening the meeting Brother Gardner announced that the Hon. Snowdrop Snyder, of Galveston, was ia the ante-room and had asked for and obcained permission to deliver his celebrated essay on ‘ The Progression of the Cocoanut.’ He had not only been here for four days and nights, boarding at the house of the president free gratis, but would probably continue to board there unless opportunity was given him to get this esßay

off his mind and a small collection taken up to help him out of town. The honourable was brought in by the committee on reception and at first glance it was evident that he was bewildered. While waiting in the ante-room he had consumed a pint of whisky which Giveadam Jones had purchased to take homo to rub on his mule's leg, and before he reached the platform be sat down on a stool, rolled his eyes around and appeared helpless and dazed. Brother Gardner descended from the platform, smelled of the great man's breath and then wared him off with the command : ‘ Remove de prisoner an’ turn him ober to de care of Giveadam Jones.’ He was led out, and a moment later a series of bumps on the back Btairs showed that the honourable was taking his leave. The sounds of a Human body mopping up the mud in the alley floated np to the windows on that side and caused some excitement, but they soon ceased, and the echo of footsteps going splosh ! splosh ! splosh 1 splosh ! indicated that the man with an essay had headed for home and Texas. CALLING OUT AN OTINIQN. The secretary then announced the following, dated at Meadow, U.T. : Brother Gardner : Deae Sik, —Do you admit ladies into your secret circle ? If so, I would feel highly honoured to have my name enrolled upon your books. But first 1 must inform you that I am a woman’s rights advocate ; that is, so far as the right of suffrage is concerned. I do not wish to see a woman President of the United States, nor would I take the office if it was offered me, much as I may like the patronage, and emoluments, attached to it, nor would I wißh to be a general in the army of the great republic, tho’ I am not certain that I would not like to be a bank cashier, or an alderman, that is, I would handle the ‘ boodle ’ if I could get it honestly, not otherwise, oh, dear, no. I do not remember to have seen in the reports of your interesting debates, that you have ever discussed the subject of woman’s rights, at whioh I felt much surprised, and I feel certain it is an oversight on your part. I see by the last report of your meeting in the Detroit Free Press, that you do not admit members who reside more than forty miles from Detroit, but I presume that only applies to the male sex, and those only that follow their lawful traces on nights when there is no moon. Permit me to hope that you will allow me to become an honorary member of your club, and that you will permit Bro. Penstock to propose me, and Giveadam Jones to second the proposition. I shall be ready as soon as notified to pay my entrance fee, and contribute some valuable relics to the museum, and some books to your already extensive library. Very respectfully yours, M. A. G. G. p.S,—A woman’s letter is never complete without a P.S., so I will add that I am an Englishwoman, only a few years settled in Utah. I left my native village (London) three years ago, and am now a full-fledged citizen of this great nation, and also president of two influential societies. M. ‘As to de not ober forty miles from Detroit, dat refers to active members,’ explained Brother Gardner as he filed the letter. * As to admittin’ women to dis club de time has not yit arrove. Five y are ago I predicted dat it would nebber be, butl hey had reason to change my _ mind. _ De woman am cornin’ to de front in politicks, an’ once she gits dar de doahs of ebery society an’ organizashun mus’ be frown open to her. ‘ As to woman’s righto, we hev been compelled to make a change on dat queshum When a man who can’t tell A from 3, an’ who votes for any candydate who will pass him a 2 dollar bill, is allowed to go de polls an’ help make de laws it’s about time an intelligent, well-eddecated woman, posted in all de changes in State an’ kentry, was given de same privilege. Five y’ara ago I baid dat dis club was opposed to aich nonBense. To-night I say dat de bull kentry would be de better off if every woman could cast a ballot. My ole woman ar’ blacker dan de ace of shovels, an’ all she knows she l’arned out of an almanack an’ da Bible, but

Pd trust her wid de ballot a hundred times sooner dan de sfiverage woter.’ The remarks of the president were greeted with loud and continued applause, leaving no room for doubt that every member present enthusiastically shared his views. THEY WILL BE SENT. The following double-twisted letter from Helena, Ark., was then read : Deae Sib., —I learn that you are the president of the Lime-kiln Olub, which X desirous of pursuing a information are details from you about the matter and by doing this may cause me to start a club up in my Town which I have some already now when 1 here from you therefore I write to know if you have any place vacant for me where I can do good in the city of Helena also in other placesee. I now stand waiting to here your reply and their are others waiting to here from me so let me all you can instruct me the way that I may carry it out in sacred form. Please send me a copy of the Constitution and By Laws, and then X can get at it a little myself. Very truly yours. Jeerod McDonald. Please send me a copy and let me know something The secretary was instructed to forward the matter requested, and to add a suggestton that the writer of the above hunt up a school house. AN AWFUL PAUSE. The followiug, dated from Coeyman’a, New York, was then read : To the Hon. Brother Gardner, President of the Lime-kiln Club : The Equinoxial tLigh-Toned Club, of Coeymans, N.Y., now numbers fifty members in good standing, have 00,009d01s in their treasury, and forty chickens of their own raising on hand for winter entertainments. They had the honour to entertain the Rev. Penstock and Elder Toots, of your honoured body, at their last meeting. Rev. Penstock gave a historical review of the Detroit Club,' described Paradise Hall, spoke of Brother Gardner as a man upwards of 100 years of age, kind and gentle in his ways, but apt to be overbearing and dictatorial while in the chair, and domineering over other members nolens volens, ad libitum, &c., &c. Elder Toots, in his remarks, spoke of their journey eastward ; of their ovations on their way , their generous receptions while inspecting henroosts to ascertain whether patents had been applied for in their construction, of the number allowed on each roo3t, where the fattest and best ones generally placed themselves, and proposed writing a book on his return home as a guide to chicken raisers. He says the roads generally were good, but some of them were rough on cornß, giving his feet the appearance and size of a dry-goods box, like Waydown Beebe, who, every time he entered Paradise Hall, had to slide the whole side of the building across the street, blocking up travel, until he could get his seat, sereatum et literatum. A vote of thanks was extended to the distinguished guests, and a sealed box given them tendering the freedom of this city to Brother Gardner whenever he should choose to visit it. Sib Lionel Jocko Hamscbatchep., President. Count Caeseb Nelson Pomposity de Gbubbf.ns, Secretary. Had a crowbar fallen from the sky it could not have created more profound astonishment than the reading of the above. The two brothers mentioned were on a visit east, as was well known, having arrived home only a day or two ago. . The idea that they would indulge in any such remarks struck everybody dumb, and for a long minute not a word was said. Then both jumped up to urge their excuses, but Brother Gardner waved them down and said : ‘Rot to-night, gem’len. At our next meetin’ dis matter will ome up, an’ jess like’s not- sartin -pussons will get dirselves dreffully injoored ! We will now go home.’