QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 934, 24 January 1890, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

A VERY AMATEURISH AUTHOR. The amateur author is generally difficult to please. This is especially true of the ladies who dabble in literature. Quite cecently a blue-stocking, according to the Pi intcrs’Register, had the usual galley.proof* sent her for correction. She was much gratified, but still not altogether happy. Presently sliß mildly ventured to suggest that the hook might be printed on better paper, and perhaps, too, it would be an advantage if the pages were ‘ not so long !’ HE COULDN ; T ACCOUNT FOR IT. Policeman—Conle, sir, you mUst moVe ofl, You’ve been standing here for an hour. Pompano (with dignity)—Knotfr it—Waitin’ for carzh. Policeman—No night oars on this lino, sir. Pompano (with increasing dignity)—Wait* in’ for day oarzh ; timsh nozzin to me. BRIBERY AND CORRUPTION. A pork butcher named Tom Cant applied for his discharge at the Colchester Bankrupcy Court on Tuesday. Judge Abdy, addressing the bankrupt, said : yon the person who sent me some sausages ? You really must not do it. lam afraid you did it in view of the application. I thought it was a parcel from a gentleman who sends me roses, and when I found they were sausages I was obliged to take them because l did not know where to send them back, I must sajr they were extremely good ; but you must not do it. You really must not. An Englishman visiting Lake Tahoe asked a native if there was good fishing in the lake. * Oh, yes ! stranger.’ 1 What kind offish do you catch hero ?’ ‘Oh ! all kinds stranger/ 4 What did the largest fish you ever caught here weigh ?’ * Wall, stranger, we don’t take no weighing machines when we goes fishing; and I am an honest man, and wouldn’t like to say how much that last trout I caught would weight. But I tell you, stranger, that when I pulled that fish out of the lake the water went clown a foot/ Jane, how often have I told you not to take policemen into the kitchen while I’m out? Aud sure, mum, I haven’t disobeyed yez. How can you say that to my face when I met one going out as I came in ? Sure, mum, it was the parlour, not the kitcheD, I tuk him into, the darlin’ ! A sarcastic lawyer, during the trial of a case, made use of the expression, Cast not your pearls before swine. Subsequently, as he rose to make the argument, the Judge facetiously remarked, Be careful, Mr S., not to cast your pearls before swine. Don’t be alarmed your Honour ; I am about to address the jury, not the Court. Now, isn’t it a burning shame ? said Mira Seldom, as she pushed her spectacles np on her forehead, and laid down the morning paper. W’hat’s that, mother ? said her youngest son. Why, the Queen gave an audience to Lord Salisbury yesterday. Think of that, my son—a whole audience given away like so mauy cattle. It’s awful. MoDougal, or the modern Paul Pry, is reported to be such a most particularly pure young man, that he actually turns bis lookingglass to the wall whilst enjoying bis morning tub.