QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 916, 20 September 1889, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

AN ANGRY COLONEL. While in a very bad humour one day, an Irish colonel inspected his regiment. The officer found fault with everything. Forming the corps into square, he thus addressed the men :— * Mo sinses have notdecaived me, after all, and it is really the diginirate ould Swillyboyne Rangers I have jusht inspictid. By Juipter, ’twas wance or twice, in thaic constirnation, I asked mesilf, “ Is it drainin'.

or woide awake, or naither ye are ?’ By thunder, for all the world ye look loike soldiers that have been hauled out ov the lumber room ov a waxwork show, an’ no thronble taken in dhuatin’ ye naither. Be jabers, I'll dhroive the rusht out ov ye, although the operation takes me till the ind of toime ! I’ll dhrill ye, the blackguards that ye are, nntil yer legs are worn down to stumps ! I’m dishgushted wid ye ashamed ov ye, the unwnshed, anpoipeclayed, unbrußhod, unpolished,un-set-up, undisciplined Swillyboyne Hangers !’ TO WHOM IT CONCERNS. A LITTLE SUGGESTIVE COMEDY OP THE DAY. Scene—A fashionable West End drawingroom. The hostess, being anxious to provide for the * entertainmsnt ’ of her guests in a remarkable manner, has secured the services of a noted popular foreign entertainer. Popular Foreign Entertainer (concluding a risky recitation of a highly-spiced character) ; ‘Et Sapristi ! Houp-la—Voila la fin de Madame La Duchesse !’ First English Miss : (in raptures) : 4 Oh, isn'titdelightful !’ Second English Miss : ‘ It’s quite too lovely !’ Third English Mis 3 : *So awfully funny too !’ Fourth English miss : ‘Oh ! it’s perfectly killing ! Did you understand it all ?’ First, Second and Third English Misses (in choruß).: 1 Oh, every word of it !’ [But they didn’t, of course. Had they, they would have hid their diminished heads for very shame at being suspected of taking in the meaning of even a single sentence. So Mr Punch, who looks on at the above, shakes his head, and asks those who do understand it whether they think they are quite right in providing their defenceless guests with 4 entertainment ’ of this sort.] —Punch. EXECUTION BY ELECTRICITY: TOUGH. Leathery Jim (into whom the whole current has been sent) : ‘ Gents, I wish you'd have one of your supes brush the flies off’n me. They tickle like mad.’—New York Times.