QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 810, 9 September 1887, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

A SEASONABLE HINT. ‘ There is a great deal of religion in nature, solemnly remarked a young clergyman while calling upon a lady of his congregation the other evening. * There is,’ was the quiet reply. ‘We should never forget there is a sermon in every blade of grass. ’ ‘ Quite true. We should also remember that grass is cut very short at this season o c the year.’ AN EXPENSIVE REVENGE. A Highlander, who had committed a furious assault on a fellow-countryman, was apprehended and taken before the magistrate. On being found guilty he was sentenced to pay 10s 6d or go to prison for fourteen days. He chose the former alternatives, and on paying the fine, laid beside it another halfguinea, saying, ‘She’ll pay you. the same ten an’ seex jeest now over again, for she’ll gif her twice more when she gets oot.” A SINGULAR HONEYMOON. A yonng fellow sat languidlj' upon the seat at the railway station in an American town, and gazed expectantly in the direction whence the next train was to enter the depot. One of the regular loungers at: the station eyed him critically for a. few moments, and then approached him. ‘Yon- bin gettin’ married lately, stranger, I guess,’ observed the lounger. ‘Yes,’ replied the youth, ‘I hev.’ ‘ Whar’s the missis?’ * Well,’ said the youth, * she was dead set on hevin’ a honeymoon over the job, and my coin wouldn’t run it out for two, so she went along by herself for a while, and I’ve stayed at home to fix things a bit agio she gits back.’ The train came in, the bride joined her husband, and they started home together, apparently satisfied with the arrangement which their limited means had forced upon them. How it happened—Prisoner :;It’s me family throubles, your Honor, that are the cause of my getting drunk. Justice :■ What do you mean? Prisoner : Sure I used to take back the washing that the ould woman did, and it’s her shameful carelessness in thrusting the money to me that led me into temptation. Sir Henry Holland is getting a reputation in England as a witty judge. Recently a prisoner pleaded guilty of larceny and then withdrew the plea and declared himself tobe innocent. The case was tried and the jury acquitted him. Then said Sir Henry Hawkins : ‘ Prisoner, a few minutes ago you said you were a thief. Now the jurysays you are a liar. Consequently you are discharged.’