QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 770, 3 December 1886, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

STAMPEDING THE CONGREGA-

TION.

A Baptist minister in Sheffield, England, was speaking of a certain young man living in the place. 4 No,’ said the divine, 4 I don’t like him. He is a low, worthless fellow, and I don’t want anything to do with him under any circumstances. 5 4 My dear,’ interposed his wife, * it isn’t right to talk that way about any one. The boy is young yet, and may reform. 5 4 No ; he never will. 5 4 But you mustn’t be so severe on him. If vou would try you might possibly help hi in to be something better. 5 4 1 shall never try. If he should come into my church I would consider it my duty to order him out. 5 f ‘ Don’ talk that way ! What has he done to cause you to have such unchristian feelings against him ?’ 4 What has he done? Well, he’s done enough. He's got a trick of making a noise like two dogs fighting, and for the last two Sabbaths he’s got under one of the church windows, and run out the whole congrega tion. I tell you it would make you have unchristian feelings to look up from a long prayer and see your congregation falling overoue another in getting out of thedoorand hear the leading deacon shouting that he’ll bet two pound-ten on either dog. s —Foreign exchange.

The good die young ; and it is suspected that is why they are good when they die. 4 Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty, 5 but the cost of anarchy is somewhat higher. Some men are so mighty penurious that they keep everything they get hold of—except the Ten Commandments. Short girls have no fear of getting left, for it is better to have loved a short girl than never to have loved a tall. The reason why'the world isn’t better is not because of the few faults we have, but because our neighbors have so many. He was a careful man.—Mariner : Sail, sir? Nice breeze on now, sir?’ Mr Isaacs : Vot ! After a dinner as cost me three-and-thixpenth ? Not me. Judge—Have you anything to say before the Court passes sentence upon you ? Prisoner —Well, all I got to say is, I hope yer Honor ’ll consider the extreme youth of my lawyer, an 5 let me off easy. A Frenchman thinks the English language is very tough. 4 Dare is “look out, s’’ 5 ’’ he says, 4 which is put out your head and see, and “look out,” which is to haul in your head aud not for to see—just confcrairie.

Bridegroom from the country, after reading the sign, 4 Ice cream, Idol a gal. ’: 4 Dollar a gal ! Laws, if they charge ez much fur a feller ez they do fur a gal, Sue, we’d better let ice cream slide, an’ stick ter lem’nade.' Officer (who has stepped on a dog)—A thousand pardons, madatne ! I am indeed exceedingly sorry to have hurt the poor animal so much. Lady—Oh, never mind, it does not matter; it is not my dog.—Fliegende Blatter.