QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 746, 18 June 1886, Page 6

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

Mrs Murphy—l say Pat, what would yes do if the ould house would tumble on yez, and crush yez to death ? Pat Faix X d fly for me loife. . . ~ ~ < Where are you going so fast, old man ' demanded John Smith. ‘ Home, sir, home , don’t detain me. I have just bought my wife a new hat, and I must deliver it before the fashion changes.’ A well known playwright and wit, having taken a new house, said to a friend ’>V ell, all will go on now like clockwork.’ Ay, said the friend. * Tick, tick !’ . An excellent old deacon, who, having won a fine turkey at a charity raffle, didn t like to tell his severely orthodox wife how he came by it, quietly remarked, as he handed her the fowl, ‘ that the Shakers gave iSj to him.’ , . , A celebrated composer wrote to a friend requesting the pleasure of his company to £ luncheon; key of G.’ His friend, a thorough musician, interpreted the invitation rightly, and came to the composer s house at 1 sharp.—Musical Courier. John—An’ what will you be doin , fnnd, afther laving college ? Jones—Well, John, you know there are always plenty of openings for a man of genius. John (who doesn’t see the connection) —Sure enough, sor, but what will you be doin’, sor ’—Harvard Lampoon. . A French explorer was travelling in India and had an audience with one of the petty Princes. Finding certain remarks of the Prince ratheruncomplimentary to his native country, the Frenchman gave the interpreter a cuff over the ear, and remarked quietly, £ Translate it!'—French wit. The story is told of a famous Boston lawyer that one day, after having a slight discussion with the Judge, he deliberately turned his back upon that personage, and started to walk off. ‘ Are you trying, sir, to show contempt for the Court? asked the Judge, sternly. £ No, sir,’ was the reply, ‘ I am trying to conceal it.’ It is said that Bronson Alcott was one day holding forth on the advantages of a vegetable diet, and urged the argument that if a man eats pork he will grow to look like a pig ; the beef eater like a bull, and so od. Whereupon somebody rather confounded him by dryly adding : ‘ Yes, Mr Alcott, and -ha who confines himself to vegetable • diet will' be in great danger of finally resembling a very small potato.’ A slight difference.—Father—You and Kate Carter have come to an understanding, have you, Fred? Fred —Yes, sin* Father —Sealed it with a kiss—eh, my boy ’ Fred No, sir ; with wax ; she wrote her refusal. Tid-bits. .... . While Sam Jones of Georgia is trying to convert Chicago to Christianity, Senator Jones of Florida is trying to convert a Detroit heiress to matrimony. Both appear to have undertaken a very difficult j ob.— Chicago Journal. ' Bookseller (to clerk)—See here, James, you’ve advertised ‘ The Modern Salon ’ in our list of new books. Clerk —Well, that was your order, sir. Bookseller —Yes, but that’s no way to spell saloon ; two o’s, James. See if it can’t be corrected. —Tidbits.