QUIPS AND CRANKS.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 662, 31 October 1884, Page 5

QUIPS AND CRANKS.

PSALM OF (MARRIED) LIFE. Man that is married to woman is of many days and full of trouble. Iu the morning he draws his salary, and in

the evening Behold, it is gone. It is a tale that is told ; . . It vanisheth and no one knoweth whither it

goeth. He riseth up clothed in the chilly garments Of the night And seeketh the somnambulent paregoric Wherewith to soothe his infant posterity. He cometh as a horse or ox, And draweth the chariot of his offspring. He spendeth his shekels in the purchase of

fine linen To cover the bosom of his Family. Yet himself is seen at the gate of the city with one suspender. Yea ! he is altogether wretched. —Chicago Tribune. FETE OF THE PLAGUES.

Once upon a time, says the Philadelphia Call, there was a grand Fete of the Plagues. All the Epidemics were there, and in addition, invitations had been issued to many other articles. The Cholera, having been long abroad, was given a warm welcome, and taken round among the other guests to be congratulated. He greeted Yellow Jack and Mr Coffin as old friends, but suddenly stopped in amazement before a stranger he had never before seen. ‘ Have you travelled much ?’ he asked of the stranger. ‘I have,’was the reply. ‘ Yet you never met me, did you V inquired the Cholera. ‘ Never.’ * Queer, very queer,’ mused the Cholera. 1 1 thought I knew everybody. And pray,’ he added, ‘ what is your name ?’ ‘My name,’ answered the stranger, ‘is Soap.’

ALWAYS AHEAD. ‘ Thar’s my son Joseph,’ said the old farmer, as he cut a liberal hunk of plug and dropped it in his mouth. ‘ I brung him up the same as I did Dan’l, an’ I giv ’em both lOOOdols to start in life. Joseph went into speculation and Dan’l went into buckwheat.’ ‘ And how did they come out V ‘Waal, in the fust five years Joseph he made 30,000d015., and Dan’l he lost half his capital.’ ‘ And the next five’ 1 ‘ Waal, Joseph lost all he had, and Dan 1 controlled all the buckwheat itch in New England. Tell you, stranger, atween raisin’ buckwheat an’ speculation in sheers, buckwheat is bound to git thar in the end. You know what to depend on. The market never slops over or wilts down. You sow, reap, eat, and scratch, and you re alius ahead.’—Wall-street News.

A little boy had gathered a flower in the Botanical Gardens in defiance of the rules of the Society. His mother, a stately anc * somewhat pompous dame, approached one of the keepers, leading the culprit with one hand and holding forth the flower in the other, and, in solemn tones, said, ‘ This is the delinquent.’ ‘No, beg your pardon, ma’am,’ replied-the civil official, ‘ that there s a polyanthus.’ —Hawkeye,