Quips and Cranks.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 424, 27 March 1880, Page 4

Quips and Cranks.

Atmospheric air is so heavy that its weight upon the body is 151 b. to the square inch. People can understand now why it is so hard to raise the wind.

It has been noticed by a Philadelphia youth that the wide belts now worn by fashionable females are just the width of a gentleman's coat sleeve.

The wise man hath said that the Press, Pulpit, and Petticoat are the three ruling powers. And we manage to live under the ministration of all three.

" A little too much repose about the mouth for it to be natural," was the remark of a, husband to a West End photographer who had taken his wife's photograph.

THE girl that wears a ring on her forefinger is not always engaged. She's obliged to do it to keep up with the times, and the young men should not get down in the mouth at any of these signs. A Pennsylvania man had the earache for six months before the doctor found out that lie had a honey bee in it. Any remarks on the size of his ears would be out of order. The bee probably took it for a patent hive. Customer: "What did you think of the bishop's sermon on Sunday, Mr. Wigsby?" Hairdresser: "Well, really, sir, there was a gent a sittin' in front 'o me as 'ad 'is 'air parted that crooked that I couldn't 'ear a word!"

Diner at a fashionable restaurant calling the waiter's attention to his plate : "What do vou call this stuff?" Waiter: " That, sir ! that's bean soup." Diner; "Well, I don;t want to know what it has been, but what it is now."

Deadhead was the name of a winning horse at Jerome-park. Of course he was bound to pass. On the other hand, Uncas is the name of another race-horse; Uncas wa3 the last of the race.

"HOWDY, this morning?" says an acquaintance to a fat citizen who is blowing and steaming with great speed along the sidewalk. " Training for a walk ? " " No," puffs the fat citizen, turning his bulging eyes neither to the right nor left; "I'm walking for a train."

The Green-eyed Monster. —"Is there a letter here in a scented envelope for my wife ?" he asked the postmaster, while the green fire from his eyes made the office feel like a leafy forest. "Yes, sir," answered the P. M., as he handed it out. The jealous man tore it open at once, when, lo and behold ! it was the milliner's bill for 50 dol. The end.

It must be a remarkably dry district, or he would not have writen :—" We are parched, burnt up. Wells dry, tanks hard baked, and washerwomen idle. A thundercloud passed o'er us last week, and one of our shearers, armed with a bucket, chased it for over two miles !"

The opera was "Faust," and as he and his adored gaze upon the apotheosis as the angels carried Marguerite into heaven, he muttered, " Beautiful, beautiful! Here the soul, clothed in all its purity, is wafted to eternity to sweet strains of angelic music." "Yes, Gus," she replied, dreamily, " but I think if that grappling was to give way and dump her on the stage, it would kind for churn her up some."

Ah ' there is a power in hydraulics of which natural philosophy speaketh not. There be tears that weaken and tears that debase; but when two women are in trouble—more trouble than they can spe..k, and none to cling to but each other, your " good cry" mutually enjoyed, cools the air like a Nile freshet, revives fortitude,' new-fertilizes hope and gives the widow and the fatherless strength to rise up and smile like the fruitfid fields.

Among the many sermons —some of them in execrable taste—preached in Scotland on the subject of the Tay Bridge disaster, was one by Dr. Begg, who took for his text a portion of the 10th verse of the 9th chapter of Isaiah : " The bricks are fallen down, but we will build with hewn stones." The sermon being printed has drawn forth an indignant letter from the constructor of the bridge, who urges, first, that his bricks were of the very best quality; and secondly, that it was the stonework, not the brickwork, that gave way !

Sewing Clubs. —Ladies' charity sewing clubs and church sewing baskets are getting to be all the rage, and the thoughtful married men in our midst are beginning to take the keys of their wardrobes with them when they go down in the morning. The other day Mr. Guffey was walking up High-street after his noonday nip when he encountered a bevy of lady friends going along, all of whom carried mysterious parcels under their arms and scissor cases buckled to their belts. " Mornin'," said Guffey, winking at a young widow of the party. " Where are you ladies bound ?" Why we are going up toyour housetoasewingbee." Great heavens ! " gasped Guffey, turning pale, and I ordered my new suit to be sent home this morning." With that exclamation he turned on his heel and dashed off at full speed. But he was too late. He reached home just in time to see his new diagonal finished into a child s ulster. A CROWD INSULTED. A travelling tramp was recently trying to sell toothache drops and corn-salve to a small crowd at the head of Munroe, avenue. As sales were slow he thought to flatter the crowd by saying : " Gentlemen, I have travelled over 20,000 miles in this country, seen all sorts of people and come in contact with all colors, and I must say that you twenty men now surrounding me have the most intelligent appearance of any coterie I ever saw." . In the crowd was a six-footer who drives a coal-cart. He had been chewing gum in a very deliberate and methodical manner, and when speech was ended he slowly turned irommanto man to see what effect had been produced. Pinding a look of indifference on each face he swallowed his quid, pushed his way to the front, and kicking over the dry goods box used by the " doctor" as a counter he flourished his fists and called out: " Mebbe this 'ere crowd can stand to be insulted to its teeth, but I'm a clothes-pin who can't be stepped on in my own town by a stranger ! Come up here like a man and strike right out from the shoulder ! No man can call me a coterie and keep a sound head on him." The doctor had pressing business down Ran-dolph-street.