Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 360, 4 January 1879, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

A tous« lady has written a book called " My Covers " It begins, of course, at Chap. I. Did you ever notice how suprised you were when you put your foot on the next, step and found there ■wasn't any? ~ ~,.,, "• Will, I fear 3011 are fr rjetting me, sa.d a brighteyed coquette to her favorite beau. " Yes, Sue, I have been forgetting you these two years," was the uuggestive reply. The number of men who fit into the battle of Waterloo" now living in the United States i=s about more than both armies engaged in that terrible struggle. There is nothing holds on to life with the tenacity of a " survivor." A tutor of a college), lecturing a young man on the rregularity of h s conduct, added with great pathos : ■'The report of your vices will bring your father's grey hairs with sorrow to the grave." "I beg your "pardon, sir," replied the pupil, " my father wears a wig." " Asn now, young gentlemen, which of you can tell me the name of the greatest of the planets—the champion planet, a" to speak—of o -r solar system ?" •' J can, sir : it.'s Saturn." " And how is that, jiray ?" "' Why, becans 1 he carries the belt." An undertaker being asked by a lady who was employing him at some household work whether he would hnveaglass now ar wait till he had finished his job, " I'll be taken the glass 1100, mem," said the artisan' "for there's been a power of sudden deaths lately." An art critic, go'ng into a gallery in a state of mild Inebriation to criticise some pictures, sees himself in a, glass, and taking out his note-book, writes as follows: "'First room ; head of a diunknrd, no signature '• has a great, deal of character ; red nose remarkably truthful. Must be a portrait from life ; think I've seen that fa<-e somewhere.' " Habit" is hard to overcome. If you take off the first letter, it does not chmge " a bit." If you take off ar.O-h r letter, you still have a " bit" left. If you take on' still anothei, the whole of " it" remains. If you take on" at G her it is not " t" totally used up. All of which goes to show that if you wish to get rid of a " habit" y ou must throw it off all together. S.vlt. —A resident in the city of old maids'and mustard, while on a visit to Newcastle the other day. went into an hotel and asked the waiter for a plate of beef. The waiter, seeing him dip his hands into the salt cellar,quietlj' drew his attention to tlmsalt spoon, when the stranger, turning round, said, " Diss thoo think aa's that fond o\ salt to eat it wiv a spoon '!" The study of the English language has become a passion among the intelligent natives in India. ', Their mastery of it is " wonderful" Here is a specimen. It is a letter written by a native military official to his commanding officer. "' Honored Sir, —Having been amputated from my family for some years, and ..;v3 I have complaints of the abdomen coupled with great conflagrations of the intervals, and prostration of all desire for work, with also the disgorging of my dinner. I hope your highness will excuse me attending at orderly r om for ten or nine more days, and in duty bound shall ever pray for the salubrity of your temper and t ie enlargement of your family.—The. Commanding Officer, ." A Novf.l Way to Pitocuitic a Husband.—The Calcutta Eng* s wan mentions that a young lady of ■Goa has adopted a novel way to procure a husband. " She has pooteu m, the Municipal Chamber at Mar.jaum an announcement that a young lady of eighteen years, of pr t y good appearance, a d having an annua' income or 1500 xerafins, wishes to marry a man und3i- thirty years of age, who can command 1000 xeraiins yearly income ; in addition, he should understand the English and Portuguese languages and the metrical system of accounts. On the 25 inst. she -•wonld.pass at noon thro gh the public streets of Margaum, with 1 green umbrella and a handkerchief of the same color in her left hand, after which she ■would rec-ive suitors with their proposals, and choose one fi om them pos. essing the stipulated qualifications " "Wiiisn Thomas drove up to a house in Edzabethstreet to deliver the usual quart of mixture, the gentleman of the house kindly inquired, " Thomas, how many quarts of milk do you deliver?" "Ninety-one sir." " And how many cows have you ?" " Nine, sir." The gentleman made soine remarks about an early spring, close to the Eastern war, and the state of the roads, a.d then asked. " Say, Thomas, how much milk per day do your cows average ?" " Seven quarts sir." " Ah. am \" said the gentleman, as he moved off' Thomas looked after him, scratched his head, and all at once grew pale as he pulled out a short pen.<oil and began to figure on the waggon-eover. " Nine cows is ume, and 1 set down seven quarts under the

cjws and multiply. That's sixty-three quarts of milk. [ told him I sold ninety-one quarts of milk per day. Sixty-three from ninety-one leaves twenty-eight and none to carry. Now, where do I get the rest of the milk ? I'll be hanged if I haven't given myself away to one of my best customers by leaving a durned big cavity in these Aggers to be filled with water !" A Work Without a Namic—l once met a man at an hotel at Nice who was always lurking furtively in corners or in staircase landings, mopping a damp forehead with a blue pocket-handkerchief rolled into a ball, as though ho had something on his mind. He had He had three ugly daughters to begin with. I struck up an acquaintance with him, and he became quite confidential. " I've got lots of stuff," he said, and I can'give each of my gals fifteen thousand quid, when she marries ; and," he added, " I'll spring it to twenty thou, if she hooks a party with a title. You s;e, I'm obliged to come hi re. I'm too well known at home. M/ gals would never get 'usbands in Hingland after wot I've bin." .What have you been ?" I asked, gently. "What was it? Pawn broking ?" ' Wus. f "Bill discounting?" "Wus." "Undertaking?' '■ Eor' bless your 'art, much wuss," groaned the man with the pocket-hankercJiief- " Dust ?" " Wus " Bone-boili >g ?" *• Wv/S." "Well." I hesitated, thinking of Mr. Alderm/m Mechi'ssewage farm, " sanitary engineering ?" " A deal wus than that, murmured the man with the pocket-handkerchief.—l gave him up after that. What could he have been ?" Like a good deed in a naughty world shines a case of modest unselfish heriosm which comes to us from the East. A large hotel at Newport was closed a day or two for repairs. It was, of course. necess>ry to have the premises guarded, and the proprietor ofiered a large amount to anyone who would sleep in the building over night. Naturally the e were no volunteers, and the hotel man was in despair. At last a pale but determined man stepped forward. He was the father of a large family, bnt are suffering great distress and poverty. For a large sura, paid in hand, he would undertake the perilous task. The money was counted in the apron of his weeping wife, and then the d'>vo ed husband, kissing his little ones good bye —it might be for the last time—and armed to the teeth with revolvers and bowie knives, entered the building, and was locked in. That night an awe struck crowd sat until a late hour upon the portico, and listened to the monotonous echo of the pistol shots and other ominous sounds from within. The next morning, when the house was opened, a t:rrible sight presented itself. The brave watchman lay upon the floor Of one of the bedroooms a shrivelled and bloodless corpse. The bed bugs had been too much for him. . The editor of the Visalia Democrat is not such a fool as he looks—which, by the way is generally the case with editors. A few months ago a large f urn ture merchant brought into him an item concerning a domestic row in the family of one of the merchant s neighbors, and requested its publication. The editor suggested a possible lib.U suit. " Oh! I, guarantee it will all be right," said the merchant, and he went away chuckling. The article appeared the next morning, and by noon the journalist had the honor cf being hammered over the head for about fifteen minutes by the o ject of the satire, who pranced in flourishing a large club. " You don't say so !" said the author of all the mischief when the editor presented his court plastered countenance, "why it was all a joke." The next day the editor introduced a particular fr end, who wanted a large lot of furniture m a month's tinip. and gave his personal guarantee that the bill would be paid. When the month was up the furniture man rushed into his friends sanctum. " Why that man you guaranteed has resold the goods and left town." "So he has," said the V. D. nianquieily "Still it was only a joke, you know:" ' The Wrong Head.—A local preacher tells the following incident of his life :—He had been preaching in the afternoon at a village not far from Newcastle, and having accompanied one of the chapel members to his house, was of course introduced to his wife, who appeared very glad to see him, and warmly pressed him—for a full quarter of an hour to stay to tea. He at last consented. AVhile all this pressing was going on, the husband was quietly standing by preparing to wash his hands and face. The good lady then went to get the tea ready, and it was not long before both the tea and her temper were brewing ; for, hearing, as she thought, her dearly-beloved washing, she made for the little window which communicated between the kitchen and the pantry where she was, and, taking advantage of his position, she, quicker than one could say Jack Robinson, administered two or three hard skelps on his bald pate, accompanied with the exclamation, " Aa'll laarn you to bring them hungry preachers here to tea every time they come to preach." As soo • as the unfortunate indmdv.a. could get the soap-suds out of his eyes he began to thinK what it all meant, but could come to no other conclusion than that the old lady had made** sad mistake, which she also soon found out, for upon returning to the parlor she there saw her husband patiently waiting his turn to wash.