Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 332, 22 June 1878, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

“ Puck”- says that when four women are walking abreast on the pavement they will break ranks for nothing but a man—with a paint pot. The ladies are all opposed to the telephone. They don’t care to have a young fellow whispering in their ears with his mouth twenty miles away. It destroys a man’s confidence in the dinner to go home and find his wife clubbing a strange dog out of the yard with a vegetable smasher. The man who has a pretty, scolding wife doesn’t have any difficulty in understanding how a thing of beauty may be a jaw forever. A young lady of Clinton, 111., sent twenty-five cents and a postage stamp in reply to an advertisement of “ How to make an impression,” and received for an answer :—“ Sit down on a pan of dough.” A young man who espoused an old and ill-tempered wife, but extremely rich, used to say, “ "Whenever I find my temper giving way, I retire to my study, and console myself by reading her marriage settlement.” A witty French lady who was an “ adopted” member of a famous military corps, when a cigar was lighted up in her presence with the remark, “ I suppose they smoke in your regiment,”sai(l “Yes, but not in my company.” A man whose knowledge is based on actual experience says that when calling on their sweethearts young men should carry affection in their hearts, perfection in their manners, and confection in their pockets. A meuduesome old woman was sneering at a young mother’s awkwardness with her infant, and said, “ I declare, a woman never ought to have a baby unless she knows how to hold it.” “ Nor a tongue either,” quietly responded the young mother. He had brought her the very things she wanted from the supper table to her safe retreat on the stairs, and she was moved to Say, half laughingly. “ You are a man after my own heart, Mr. B -!” “Just what I am after,” he answered, quick as a flash, covering her with confusion. Said a woman speaker in a Newhaven suffrage meeting, “ woman is in every respect the equal of man Her reputation for herioc bravery"’—at that point a monkey ran into sight, and the orator jumped on the table, gathered her petticoats about her ankles and screamed ? . A I'ISTOL Pocket-book. —This invention is the latent safeguard of independent American ladies against thieves. These pocket-books when carried in the hand, look exactly like an ordinary purse, but should an unwary person make a snatch at them, the owner has only to press a spring, and the thief is shot right through the heart, provided the aim be good. A oat belonging to a family on South Hill has reached the ripe age of eleven years, and has entirely lost all power of expressing its motions by audible sounds ; and it .is just heart-breaking, to see that voiceless cat go out in the moonlight and climb on to the shed roof and try, by violent and emotional pantomime, to express a yowl that would break a pane of window-glass eight hundred feet away. The Melhonrne Herald tells the following anecdote of the late Judge Fellows. When Mr. Fellows went to England fora change of air, he was away about six months. He did not forget the little church in which he took a deep interest at Queenscliffe.; but in a neat little pill-box he deposited 52 sovereigns, with the quaint notice “ that the churchwardens were to take two of these, every Sunday morning between the hours of Divine service.” “ Ruffler," in Vanity Fair, writes that those admired regiments called the Heavies” are, as is known, kept exclusively for service in the United Kingdom. An officer who, as belonging to one of theregiments in question, must be called distinguished, was lately heard talking to his partner at a county ball on the subject nearest his heart, when the young lady asked him: “Does your regiment ever go to India?” “Oh, dear no,” replied the officer; “our regiment never leaves England—except,” he added, remembering himself, “ except, of course, in case of invasion.” The Darling Downs Gazette tells a good story ot a scene which took place at a Court-house in the far West at a time when ceremonial and black coats were equally unknown out there. A certain Government official, who represented nearly every administrative department, was engaged in executing his magisterial functions amidst the free andjeasy surroundings of the time and place. He had heard evidence, and, before giving his decision, was expatiating with much unction and at great length on the law as it bore on the case. His auditors got weary of the delay, and one of them, thrusting his head from outside through-the open window, exhorted the worihy commission to “have no more of his (strong adjective) jaw. but to come out with his (emphasised) verdict.” In the English divorce court in March last, a ladyplaintiff, seeking for a divorce on account of the infidelity of her lord, conducted her own case, examined witnesses in detail to prove her husband’s immoralities, addressed the Court on his adulterous,enormities, and, to the consternation of the barristers, won the cast. Only a few weeks ago, says the World, a woman

addicted to public lecturing essayed the same feat, and failed ; but now that an injured wife has actually done without the lawyers we may have a few more piquant, but not at all edifying, displays of the same kind. Of course they will be popular, and applause will be the usual greeting to the pleaders in petticoats, as it was the other day. A Joke. —When he entered the office his cheeks were bulged out like a harvest moon. He was struggling to confine a great head of laughter within him, and the effort threatened to burst him like a bombshell. “Oh, great guns alive ! ho, ho, whoop-ee!” he roared, siding up to where the religions editor sat. “ I’ve got the dumdest best thing for you this time you ever dreamt of,” and he laughed again until the tears rolled off his cheeks and dashed their brains out on the floor. “You see,” he went on, catching hold of the religious editor’s chair to anchor himself down, “ you see, putty is the latest color for lcid gloves.” (Laughter.) “ Well, just credit that line to a fashion jour and then quote! ‘ Tis true, ’tis putty ; and putty ’tis 'tis true.’ ” and he doubled up like a strap-hinge, and held his sides and laughed even while he was being kicked down the back stairs. “Saying grace,” although usually done with brevity, is said with infinite variety of phraseology, and anecdotes thereof are numberless. The last of which we have heard was by the late Mr. Compton, the comedian. He had been to a part in the country. Next day, on his way home, he stopped at a village inn and oi dered dinner. He wore a long black coat over a dress suit, and had a white necktie. The landlord mistook him for a clergyman. “There is a meeting of clergy here to-day, sir, and they are about to dine. I’m sure the dean would be glad to have you join them.’ ” “ Thank you,” said Compton, who was very hungry; “ I shall be glad.” “I will take in your card,” said the landlord “ I have no card,” replied Compton ; “you can say ‘Rev. Mr. Payne, who is passing through the town.’ ” The dean said they would be glad to give a strange bx-other a seat at the table.” “ The Rev. Mr. Payne” appeared, and the dean with courtesy placed him at his right hand and asked him to say grace. Compton felt a cold thrill run through him. but with perfect presence of mind recalled the opening portion of the Church service, and hit upon the very words for his pui-pose. In his rich, melodious voice he said, “ O Lord, open Thou our lips, and our mouths shall show forth Thy praise.” The Cincinnati Man’s Game. —-Among the guests at the Alexander House, Gross Isle, are several gentlemen from Cincinnati, who are noted for their flow of animal spirits, and their disposition to get as much fun as possible out of i"their vacation. During the long evenings the billiard rooms and adjacent bar are well patronised, and there has sprung up an intense rivalry among the festive individuals to see who shall succeed in “sticking” his neighbor for the greatest number of drinks and cigars. All sorts of tricks and devices are resorted to by the adroit schemers, but it was reserved for a Cincinnati man to invent a little scheme by which event the most experienced of the tricksters were beautifully taken in. A few evenings ago the assembly was unusually large, several Detroiters being amongst the number. Billiards and other light amusements had become a bore, and things began to be a trifle dull, when the Cincinnati man, gifted with a sudden inspiration, sang out: “ Now gentlemen, I’ve got a new game.” At once thei'e was a rush, and in less then thirty seconds fifteen or twenty thirsty gentlemen were arranged alongside the bar. “ Each one put his forefinger on the counter,” said the joker, at the same time setting the example. Instantly every man gravely compl ed, after the manner of the young people at a country corn husking, who play “ Simon says thumbs down.” Now, then, the first man that lifts his finger treats the crowd, calmly continued the wicked, wily Cincinnatian. Every victim turned pale with horror, and stood as if rooted to the spot. It was no laughing matter. There were men in that crowd that wouldn’t crook their elbow for anything less than a twenty-five cent drink, and who never smoked anything but the finest imported Havanas. The loser was destined to have a nice little bill to settle. For one hour and twenty minutes the helpless victims stood there’ their forefingers glued to the bar, while to add to the discomfort of the situation the condition was imposed that no man should drink or smoke while the result was pending- The situation was becoming very interesting, when another Cincinnati man rushed in to get a cigar. He had some important correspondence to prepare for the early morning mail, and was in a tremendous hurry. “What’s up?” he inquired, as he witnessed the strange spectacle before him. “Put your finger down,” said the joker. Almost mechanically he obeyed. Then the conditions of the little game were explained, and the new-comer was mad. He raged and stormed, and pleaded business, but to no avail. The others wouldn’t let him off, and after holding out for lialf-an-hour he succumbed with a bad grace and “set ’em up.” There wasn’t change anougli for the 5 dol. bill which he handed the bar-tender for getting his boots blacked in the morning. And the parties who had been pressing their forefingers to the marble slab for nearly two hours laughed feebly, and remarked that it was a “ tip-top good joke, you know.”