Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 271, 7 April 1877, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

huband. a WOman marri63 a rich man and S ets a P oor A 2®.^ T Home.—A shopfront in the Strand gilt lett^ 3 -“ The Only Manu--01 iore l?n Liqueurs in England ’ •a^l^bitfm CT T T m re , is no reason whv the ; wmH n/' 1a “itants should always look grave but it terribly if . the earth ’ herseif jtheemhof R ton7h un , does her chignon, lends| Whv a, ' k , le3 - ’ 13 all ? The Mrs. Marrowfat, as Itteother evenfnt ° n th , e clean tablecloth Nerposed Man.u rof^ W . a ca , mel a brute,” mildly parry camels.” owfat > , and yet how few women |ontho^Scotland 4l^? 61 ’ pas ? in K along a road in the pde in which he at the . P erfect solijkun who was hrpoir* hynself. Coming to a poor by the wayside, he m the man; ®“itTnn a tw 1 Mf eq l leilted - “° u ay .” pSkv^ th A e ’ Sy ° Ursel th«day° adger gaed by §lj*M in Vanderihgthroueii ß^ , is a suggestive number of cmntv whii Kentucky town, to see J) hont of the blsky ke £ s there are piled up jftener fllled wlfh th P ® WS ? aper office - If they were gljuch as A P Wnt„^ nuiue ’ nnmistakable "Cutter Jackson-street, sells Prgeisc° News Letrer Kentucky editorials.jeonce sent to tell this story: Kjyef. and regarding it as ratv> llectl ? n to a Western the attorney ades Perate demand, { C e ° e llec ® d he might reserve ll™ ved the following dl ? e time Mr. Greeley succeeded in coLqf™ epist e:-Dear Sir.-I ■Hwa Tn is __hope°ess g m halt of tbat claim. wi th A g h a’ifers nd J'i aVinEr arrayed himself t jWoa J p a " ie db h , sailers, and game-bag, and gun nothing Im possible g °f S forth to huutfbut ISrt tte- he stops at «?- retur ? em P ty handed , h he presents! ♦ H le market, and buys a B S oneV„ h^ Wife ’ * he hare was W';]nth a sniff » fl a „. e i ? P. rice - “Ah!” said his juu kiaed it. You were right. & o L te,t ?amnt T withhfs'k~7 A far mer entered a Bthefl 1 * l°y f ul look inbio hat on the back of his B* now 7' he exclaimed a v^ S - Plin * in e his hat Bdown L w&nt a tip-ton ,i; nr ?y P ?°P; ,Sold my wool, handed was in vited to •Tqusiul ißh «. “1 want cu 11 l° f fare ' and asked K w ’ Bni Pe. Pie etui 1 chicken, turkey, oysters P^th^?, t 5 “ the s e ha». bring on the ]■ (.^ 3 hill away m *y. he observed, as he ai»? rodu ccd l h i! Zl n e f hu ? led 0,lt > and Bk be?/,!. I* o6 grew sori« Wa aud counted his minm r t alhe ‘“hat hixunV, ter a , few moments, Mh he pounded H«« fv Cost money, and In fart 10 that waitfw- ‘ml table - and called gnu/ imrb COntinu ed-“You T b e M aiter entered . t ■tonje . eh out that -u y ° u hold on a little. lua ’tate/s brin » me »lhe coni^Y- before : but I in H t Jr n ad ’ 1 ve s °l d my t ha PP® ned to think 1 * then ? Sobring aiong^r aad where ' d fluail ® aion ® the meat and ’taters.”

i take care mrlTt ? the week ;so we always taue care, every Saturday, to put him in a safe place Sdon Mo y ndL ab t! el -° afcthe churchnextday! againp at - llbert y to begin drinking ag a°' • Jesse s Russ-ia, Circassia, &c., in 1839 -40 She Paddled her Own Boat —The train was Wto T d tbe obb Sing conductor wen? alone anTsaW Wh v ° was evidently travelling “Oh yes sir- Martbi d * “’ ha T, e you a companion?” little hWwSi u At . n made me fetch along her 5W® bmch ridikule that she calls a kumpanyun.” No, no ; I mean an escort.” “ A what sir?’ and lo fp^w at f him n ard e . nou e h to break her spectacles. A fellow traveller with you ?” explained the conductor desperately. She rose. Her uplifted hand looked deadly in its black mitten garniture. “ You good-for-nothing scamp. No, sir. The idea of me a \ n ° I,at t ural protector but a sheepskin ’ having a feUow travelUn’ with me . \our mother ought to weep over your you . nß ,“ an ' and I’ll have yer know that 1 k ng 1? tbls world about as well as any 60-year-old widow that you ever struck agin l” By this time the conductor was out on the platform, wiping the perspiration from his face, and swearing that P the SStMSX 10 her be,rt ' s

How He Came to be Out of Money.—H—had a ease on the docket in which, among other things he w i3bed l i> Pmvethat his client had no money, and to mat end he cross-questioned one of the opponent’s witnesses as follows: ‘ You asked my client for ? u “ Well-yes, sir.” “ Answer promptly, sir. Let us have no hesitation. You asked him for money—now what was his answer?” “I don’t knaw c a ? I .. caa f,? 11 ' . Ba * surely you can remember ?” « ?■% k T^ e ? ?, u f, wlth What was his answer ?” Id rather not tell. “Oh! oh ! You are on that tac , k -f r ra yoa l . Yoa won’t tell ?” “I should rather not, sir. I should rather you would ! So, sir, if ?°n d r*n°Ll? S , Wer ’R y £ P? esti ° n Promptly and truthfully, 1,11 caU upon the Court to commit you for contempt. Well, sir, if I must tell tales out of school, here you have it. I asked him yesterday if he could lend me a half -a-crown, and he told me he couldn’t.” And you believed him. did you not ?” ‘ 'Yes sir, for he said you had robbed him of every farthing of his ready money, _ and if he didn’t get out of your hands P r ®t*y* wife and little ones would come to—* That will do, sir. You can step down.” The Careful Man.—Soon after noon, yesterday, a stranger entered a Woodward-avenue hardware store and asked if they kept shingle nails there. Being informed that they had a dozen kegs on hand, he further inquired : “ Are they genuine shingle nails, or only imitations ?” “They are shingle nails of course. Let me see them.” A handful was placed on the counter before him, and he took several nails to tlie door, where he could get a stronger light. After scanning them thoroughly he tested two or three between his teeth, tried to bend them between his fingers and said ? “Well, they seem to be all right, and I’ll take five pounds. I don’t want to appear captious, but I bought some shingle nails along here about a month ago, carried them home, and what do you suppose they turned out to be ?” “ Six-pennys ?” answered the clerk. “ No, sir. They were shoe pegs, sir!” “That was strange," mused the clerk. And another time, when I ordered shingle nails,” continued the stranger, . “ the clerk put up four stove handles, three nutmeg graters, and a coffee mill. Can I build a cowshed out of coffee mills ? Can I shingle a bam with stove handles ? Can I clap-board a house with nutmeg- graters ?” “ Curious mistake, that,” said the clerk. “And another time, when I asked for shingle nails, they put me up four corn poppers and a match safe. These things have sunk deep into my soul, and you mustn’t blame me for. seeming particular. Now these are nails; are they?” “Of course.” “ Shingle nails?” “Yes, sir.” ‘‘Just write on this card, and -give me your name, the name of the firm, the number of this, storey and the date of the month. I don't want to make trouble, but if I find when I get home that you have put me up bath-brick and harness straps in the place of shingle nails, I’ll come back here and make it warm for you ?”—Detroit Free Press. A Serious Judge.—Our own magistrates often delight the oflflcials of their courts by their witticisms: but their humor is not to be compared with that of their brethren of the United States. The other day, according to the Detroit Free Press, “ a little bit of a man, wearing a bilious-looking plug hat,” and speak-, mg m child-like tones, was placed in the dock. “ Why for, thou seedling ?” inquired the judge, looking up. I m a prisoner, but I’m entitled.to be treated with respect, ’ squeaked the little man; standing on his tiptoes and growing red in the face. “Respectfully your obedient servant,” replied his honor, waving his hand around with inimitable grace. “I won’t be made fun of—l tellyoulwon’t!” squealed the prisoner. “Fun! * u . n ,-. re P e ated the judge.. “Sir, this is a serious world, with four pounds of heartache to one old-fashioned grin. No, sir, I see no fun here. The charge is being drunk and raising a great row—a very serious thing.” “Who says I got drunk ?” squealed the little man ; “ who says I raised a great row? It is a conspiracy to get me out of the neighborhood.” “Prisoner at the bar,” said his honor when the evidence was all in, “ now is the time to make a Fourth of July speech if you are ever going to make one. If you have any evidence, hurl it at nie.’ Silence. “ Darius Worthington Jones,” resumed the judge, after waiting for an answer, “you are chalked for 60 days: You won’t set out any onions this spring, and you won’t be around when the first circus strikes Detroit. May day will find you makmg clmirs. and June berries will have ripened and vanished ere we gaze upon your face again." As the judge pronounced this terrible sentence not a trace of waggishness remained in his voice ; each word that fell from his lips was pitched in a tone befitting the solemnity of the occasion. The impressiveness of the scene was much heightened by the sudden transition from gay to grave,” and the dimunitive prisoner was removed from the bar in a state of speechless horror.