Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 244, 22 July 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Hush-monks'— Nurse's wages. Sweetness and light.—A love match. Why is the letter “o” the most charitable letter / Because It is found oftener than any other in “ doing "Do you love me still, John?"’ whispered a sensitive wife to her husband. “Of course I do—the stiller the better," answered her husband. Mrs. Ph.ix.pots was saying one day what a gentlemanly person her baker was. " Yes,” answered her son, a bit of a wag, “ He’s a bred gentleman.” _ Mrs Gamp on the Stock Exchange.— Which them Egyptian bondholders in the City does look werry Ivhediverous, I must say!” . , A poetical New Hampshire editor, speaking of trees, says : "Every tree is a feather in the earth s cap, a plume in her bonnet, a tress upon her forehead; wherefore plant trees." , . , As a Scotch schoolmaster was teaching an urchin to cipher on the slate, the pupil put the following question to his instructor : " Whaur diz a’ the figures gang till when they’re rubbit out ?” Hallo, mate 1” shouted a tar in the pit to another in the gallery. How much did it cost you to get into that snug berth ?" On being informed that it was a shilling. “ Hang it," cried Jack, “ this is a fine business 1 The lubbers charged me two shillings to stow me in this ’ere hold.” Buttonism. —Young Page to Master — I hope you understand, sir, that I’m not leaving because I’ve any fault to find with the place, or with the other servants, or my mistress or yourself. Far from that; I should be most happy at any time, sir, to give the place cl chcLT'cictci* Boys said a village pedagogue, the other day, "wliat is the|meaning of all that noise in the school f "Its Bill Sykes, sir, who is all the time imitating a locomotive,” 1 " Come up here William ;if you are turned into a locomotive, it is high time you were switched off..” The first step to wealth," says an exchange "is the choice of a good wife." " And the first step towards securing a good wife is the posession of good wealth,” says another. Here we have one of those good rules which work prettily both ways. A YOUNg American lady, who has enjoyed the rare privilege of taking a stroll with the poet Tennyson, incidentally mentions in a letter to a friend that “it seriously affected the romance of Ihe situation when he paused during the walk to scratch his back against a gatepost.” , , . Boas around ladies’ necks are in fashion again. And illiterate young men will do well to remember that boas and beaux are not synonymous by any manner of means. But just as likely as not some persons who should know better will probably make a mistake In this matter. And they can’t be blamed either. Professor Tyndall takes credit for haying invented “ a fog trumpet, which can be heard distinctly at six miles distance." Surely the learned Professor had not heard of Blackie’s celebrated fog and ocean (ossian) trumpet, which was blown in the Highlands of Scotland, and was heard distinctly at the bush in Australia. How to Become a Lawyer.—A day or two ago, when a young man entered a Detroit lawyer s office to study law, the pracitioner sat down beside him and said :—“ Now see here, I have no time to fool away, if you don’t pan out well I won’t keep you here thirty days. Do you want to make a good lawyer ? Well, now, listen. Be polite to old people, because they have cash. Be good to the boys, because they are growing up to a cash basis. Work in with reporters and get puffs. Go to church for the sake of example. Don’t fool thy time away on poetry, and don t even look at a girl until you can plead a case. If you can follow these instructions you will succeed. It you can not, go and learn to be a doctor and kill your best friends."

A Yankee reporter is terrifically “ graphic ” in describing the recent collision of railroad trains in Missouri. Hear him, “ The two engines rushed at each other like malign and enraged monsters, grappled with a tremendous crash, reared from the track in a mortal wrestle, and fell into helpless and disjointed fragments on the ground.” , .. .. Rome has one of the shrewdest and most reliable weather prophets in the world. Being asked whether he thought this would be a cold winter or not he looked at the sun, dug up some roots of grass, examined the husks of a dozen ears of corn, and then said impressively “ I don’t know." Events will undoubtedly prove that he was right. , A. young gentleman in INTcw ork lately made an evening call upon a young lady, and got rather shabbily treated. It was getting along towards nine o’clock, when the young lady inquired the time of evening. “ Five minutes to nine. ” was the reply. How long will it take you to go home ? ” “ Five minutes, I should judge. ” " Then," said the young lady, if you start now, you will get home at just nine o clock Gif the Pape be infallible, ” said an advocate ot Protestant doctrines, whose zeal was certainly somewhat ahead of his intelligence, “gif the Pape be infalliable, as they say, why should they talk o’ him dying? A funny kind o’ infallibililty that’ll no keep a man alive eh?" "Oh,” replied one to whom this was directed as a kind of poser, “ but don’t you know the Pope will die infallibly.” A Young minister, somewhat distinguished for self-conceit, having failed disastrously before a crowded audience, was thus addressed by an aged brother: " If you had gone into that pulpit, feeling as you now do on coming out of that pulpit, you would have felt on coming out of that pulpit as you did when you went up into that pulpit.” Dean Swift has found an imitator. An advocate oi Colmar has left one hundred tliosand francs to the local madhouse. "I got this money,” said the candid lawyer in his will, “ out of those who passed their lives in litigation: in bequeathing it for the use of lunatics, I only make restitution. , . V gentleman was called upon to apologise for woias uttered when in wine. ‘‘ I beg your pardon,” said lie, "I did not mean to say what I did; but I ve had the misfortune to lose some of my front teeth, and words get out every now and then without my knowledge. A Boston family party travelling from church to church during the past few weeks, to decide what singing they had better sit under, confronted the minister of one of the most fashionable Baclcbay churches after service the other afternoon with, “ Who is the pnma donna of your church Mr ? " . An unwilling juryman excused himself from serving by a letter of which the following is a literal copy ; “ sir —As lam a furiner and my lengwich Danich I am not ettal compitint of the Englicli lengwich to be a jewry man and my contious du not alow me to geive my epenian en what Ido not enderstand An answer Genius Insulted. “ What, Mr Speaker, wliat shall I say to my constituents?” exclaimed a wrathful member of the Congress on the passage of a bill to which he was utterly opposed. " What shall I say? he repeated, but found it impossible to get beyond the interrogatory. " Tell them,” replied the waggish Speaker, " that you tried to make a speech, but couldn’t.” . . , , " Faint Praise.” —Little landscape painter (gleefully)—" Good morning, sir. I’m glad—l believe I have heard—the Academy have accepted my picture.” Pliumble, R. A. (on the Hanging Committee, with six “bogies” on the line) —“ Oh yes, Brown ; recollect passing it. Fact is, it came up with such a lot of rubbish it looked a perfect gem !” A Flattering Invitation. —We believe we break no confidence in mentioning the rumor that, inspired by certain pregnant words of the Premier of England, the citizens of San Francisco have resolved upon petitioning the President of the United States to assume, fortwith the title of the Emperor of California, in order to protect that State from Chinese annexation.