Intelligent Vagrant.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 243, 15 July 1876, Page 13

Intelligent Vagrant.

Quis scit an adjiciant hodiernae crastina summse Tempora Di Superi.—Horace. The age of chivalry has not quite expired. Brown and Jones, both young gentlemen who emulate the late lamented Mr. Brummel and the deceased Marquis of Waterford, on weekly salaries of £2 10s., were invited to a party the other night, and went in neat costumes that effected combinations between those of a waiter and a festive undertaker. During a waltz Brown and his partner, as he vows, by accident bumped against Jones and his partner, and Joaes's coat ripped right up the back. Brown apologised in good set phrases, but Jones said the thing was the result of malevolence, Brown being angry at being cut out by Jones, whose dress coat was faced with a substitute for moire antique, whilst Brown's was not faced at all. So Jones demanded satisfaction, and being laughed at, rushed to the kitchen, where he cried for knives with which a combat to satisfy his honor might be undertaken. But one gentleman present cried to give him a bar of soap and a yard measure as the most appropriate weapons for himself and Brown. In these articles there was, so I am told, an ingenious allusion to the professional pursuits of either gentlemen. However, be that as it may, the naming of them prevented the effusion of blood.

You hear scraps of conversation in the street now and again that seem very curious. A friend tells me that quite unintentionally he heard a young lady and gentleman talking as they went along the street this week. The conversation was on an interesting topic—kissing. Said the young gentleman, " I haven't had a kiss since let nie see the Queen's birthday." Replied the young lady, whose father must, I presume be in the grocery business, " How strange ! why that was the day we sold all our red herrings, and though we got in a fresh stock at once, we have not sold one since." There was, it must be confessed, an air of wild romance about this conversation that will make it deeply interesting reading. The jurymen who decided that a man might bite another man's nose off " in self defence" thoroughly understood th at euphemistic way o* " putting things" which is supposed to be thoroughly Irish. Their definition of a recent assault is quite as good as one I heard many years ago. Stopping at an hotel in Clonakilty, the house was wakened during the night by what several people were good enough to call a " thunderin' row" in the neighborhood. At breakfast next morning the first question put to the waiter was " What was the matter last night ?" to which he promptly answered, " It was Mickey Sooney, sir, that was ' chastising' his wife with a board," which we found subsequently was the waiter's pleasant way of describing how Mr. Sooney, in an agony of drink and jealousy, had beaten his wife's brains out with a piece of the family table. Mr. Andrew, M.H.R., has been at it again. Mr. De Lautour in the House on Thursday afternoon was protesting against the cruelty of pigeon shooting, which subject he had connected with the licensing question by a process of reasoning happily peculiar to himself. Some one said to Mr. Andrew, " Where on earth is De Lautour getting to ?" Quoting Juvenal, promptly Mr. Andrew said, " Oh, he is übi reddunt ova eolumbee," or, freely translated, '■' somewhere up near the roof." Paterfamilias may be credited with a pun. There was a very aristocratic ball here not many days ago, at which were present some gentlemen belonging to what Mr. Willett, senior, would call the " milingtary" profession. Their status in their profession, and the nature of the affair itself, required their attendance at the ball in uniforms and spurs. The rowels of their spurs were not made of the small gold coins which years ago in the old country were proper " form" on such occasions. On the contrary, the rowels under notice were made for use as well as for show. The consequence was a fearful ripping up of book muslin, tarletane, and even more expensive materials. The daughters of Paterfamilias on the morning after the ball mentioned this matter with sorrow, as having suffered in the hems and lower tucks of their dresses. Said Paterfamilias promptly, "It is evident that our latter day Bayards are not sans spur, or they would be sans such reproche as I now hear. A horrible liberty Avas taken with the name of a most worthy gentleman recently. Two visitors to, let us say Quatre Bras, met casually at the hotel they were stopping in a most convivial and companionable gentleman. They passed the evening, the night, and not a little portion of the morning in the most pleasant manner, and were parting under circumstances of mutual satisfaction, when the convivial and companionable gentleman told the visitors that he occupied the responsible position of governor of the gaol, and would be most happy to see them both at breakfast at his private residence that morning, when, in order to suit the present occasion, breakfast would be at half-past ten o'clock, and would include some magnificent bottled porter. The visitors accepted the invitation, and presented themselves at the gaol the following morning, when it is needless to say they found that their companion of a short time previously had been telling them untruths. The horrible portion of the story is, though, that the governor of Quatre Bras Gaol is a strict teetotaller.