Odds and Ends.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 242, 8 July 1876, Page 3

Odds and Ends.

Jf Fox’s Martyrs. —Ducks, chickens, turkeys, and geese. Taxidermy for Parents. —lf you want to preserve your children, do not stuff them. In Fiji they eat one another sometimes and describe the dish as “long pig,” as distinguishing it from “short pig,” which means pork. A Waterbury man has christened his daughter Glycerine. He says it will be easy to prefix “Nitro” if her temper resembles her mother’s. Gentlemen who dance will find that they can balance their partners much more gracefully if they will part their hair and their names in the middle. Mrs. Partington says she does not wish to vote, a 3 she fears she couldn’t stand the shock of the electrical franchise. It may interest our stage reformers to know that in America deficient costume is thus imaginatively expressed—“ Not enough clothes on to wad a gun.” Our Swiss tourist writes us that, being at Bale the other day, he not only beheld a river go by, but he actually saw a mountain pass. While an lowa woman was struggling in the water and likely to drown, her husband yelled out, “ New bonnet —swim for life !” and she kicked out and safely reached the shore. Here is a model verdict of a coroner’s jury : “We do believe, after due enquiries, and according to our best knowledge, that we do not know how when and where said infant came to its death.”

The following notice, written on the door of a village school, would seem to indicate that the schoolmaster is abroad:—“ Kea at the woden house necks dor."

A teetotaller asked Pat the other day if ever he saw a teetotaller drunk. “Och!” said Paddy, with great earnestness, “I’ve seen many a man drunk, but I couldn’t tell whether he was a teetotaller or not."

Punch once told a droll story of a man who, being suddenly raised to riches, exclaimed, in the fullness of his satisfaction, “ Oh, that I could stand in the road and see myself ride by in my carriage. ” Mrs. Partington desires to know why the captain of a vessel can’t keep a memorandum of the weight of his anchor, instead of weighing it every time he leaves port. A travelling life insurance agent applied to a Texan to “ take out a policy ; but the Texan replied, “ A fellow’s life is so uncertain in this community, it ain’t worth insuring.” Half a hog a-piece is what the hog crop of this country would come to, if divided up fairly among us —leaving out the young infants. Any one wishing our half hog can have it by merely enclosing one dollar, &c. —Buffalo Courier. I clasped her fair hand in a rapture of bliss And thought, oh, how blessed our fates ! Till I looked on the gloves that encircled her wrist And found that, alas ! they were “ eights.”

Wishing to pay his friend a compliment, a gentleman remarked, “ I hear you have a very industrious wife.” “ Yes,” replied the friend, with a very melancholy smile, “ she’s never idle. She’s always finding something for me to do.” “Just as Lief!” —Shortly after the dinner bell rang, he came up the walk’ laid down upon the steps, and put his head in at the dining-room door. “ Mizz plateful of your nice soup for dinner, and lend me your little tin bucket to fetch it home in, and she’s not feeling powerful well anyhow to-day.” “But you will please to go back and ask your ma if she wants her soup highly seasoned, and crackers broken up in it, and celery salt shook in, and a silver spoon with her full name engraved on it thrown in ?” replied the lady of the house. Bud left in double-quick time, and soon he was back to position:—“ Mizz , mother says she believes, as it ain’t much trouble to you, she just as lief as not !” The old lady got the soup in the tin bucket unseasoned without further sarcasm.

Whistling and Matrimony. Whistling has never been regarded as an appropriate feminine accomplishment, and there is a proverb that girls who whistle and hens that crow will always “ come to some bad end.” But there is a young woman in Anita, lowa, who prides herself on being able to whistle fortissimo, and, in fact, louder than any man in the state. She has offered to bet a mule that she can beat any he in this masculine art. Heretofore the bothered hus-band,-when the passing of ■ his-wife's-remarks has become too rapid for human endurance, has found whistling a palliative and a pastime ; and a neat

delivery on his part of the more popular airs of the period has doubtless more than once averted the calamities of divorce. This, however, is an advantage which he cannot retain, if she is to whistle too —if she can exhibit the indifference implied by a short delivery or the contempt so well expressed by a long one. — Nev ’ York Tribune. A Hearty Welcome. —Address of welcome by the principal of the Vindicator Seminary : —“ Dear Girls. —You have returned to our, so to speak, parental care for another session. From the erect and prim parlor boarder to the liveliest little romper among you all. (Don’t scream, it’s only figurative). You have 1 returned from a world full of pin-backs and other snai-es for the unwary, but here you are safe. Within these sacred walls you may pin your dresses back until you stop the circulation, and the unhallowed eye of man sliallnot gloat over it. (Man generally has two eyes, but you will find in your composition that ‘ eye’ has a better sortnd.) Every arrangement has been made to secure you against the intrusion of these pests of seminaries. No man shall enter these hallowed premises unless he brings a cast-iron certificate from a presiding magistrate that he is your father or mother, or at least yoUr aunt. At every interview the cook will be present with a double-barrelled gun, and at any attempt to hold your hand the reckless invader will be shot on the spot. Any day scholar Who shall speak to you of the German or of the club, or shall mention to you that she has a brother, will be expelled. With these precautions, the principal hopes to prevent the entrance of the fell destroyer. Your principal cannot refrain from congratulating you that you have not lost yoUr appetites. Whatever you may have lost during your absence, you have to thank Providence that they have been spared to you. And after all, my dear children, what is geometry, or trigonometry, or any other ometry, to a good appetite ? And then to think how many of the trials of life you are rid of by being in this sacred and pious institution. Other girls outside have to sit up and dance till three o’clock in the morning, and crimp their hair with red hot irons, and cover their faces with powder and their cheeks with paint, and take moonlight walks with the boys, while you have only to sit here in quiet and survey the placid features of your beloved principal. Separated from the world, you have time for serious thought, and to reflect on the follies of your fellowmen, and to remember that ‘ man is born of women, is full of sparks, and flies upwards,’ or words to that effect. You will find it in your catechism. First class in physical geometry stand up !”—Stanton (Va.) Vindicator.