Varieties.

New Zealand Mail, Issue 39, 21 October 1871, Page 17

Varieties.

Receipe for early rising—Sup heartily of barm before going to bed. Men are like potatoes—they do not know how soon they may be in hot water. What is communism p—Geese, donkeys, and wolves, feeding off the same common. There is no need of praising the present’ style of ladies’ dresses, for they are ‘ puffed’ enough already. ‘ Why did he not Die ?’ is the title of a new novel. Answer—Because he refused to take his medicine.

The “ Boston Post ” has an announcement of the death of several citizens ‘ from throat disease superinduced by razors.’ * You are more than half blue,’ as the humming bird observed to the violet.— ‘ I have a drop in my eye,’ the violet replied. Why is Louis Napoleon like a retired Vauxhall cook ?—Because he thinks upon Ham, and remembers when he cut it.

The Spaniards have a proverb that ‘ Drinking water neither makes a man sick, nor in debt, nor his wife a widow.’ The agent of a Pennsylvania marble worker persuaded a widow to buy ar stone for the grave of her dead husband by promising to marry her.

What is the difference between a squadron and a fleet ? None ; for we have often seen a squad run, and it presented a very fleet appearance.

A young bachelor in Jersey City was urged to marry, but he replied ‘ I don’t see it. My father was a single man, and he always got along well enough.’ A Novel Reason.—One man asked another why his beard was brown, and his hair white ? ‘ Because,’ said he, ‘ one is twenty years younger than the other.’ An attorney observed to a brother in Court that he thought whiskers very unprofessional. ‘ You are right,’ replied his friend j ‘ a lawyer cannot be too barefaced.’

A rustic serenader, who mournfully warbled, ‘ I’m lonely to-night, love, without thee,’ had his loneliness alleviated by a number of dogs, who made it lively enough for him for the rest of the night.

Theodore Hook, when dining with the author of a work called ‘ Three Words to the Drunkard,’ was asked to review it. ‘ Oh, my dear fellow, that I will do in three words. —“ Pass the bottle.” ’ Never trust a secret with a married man that loves his wife, for he will tell her, and she will tell her aunt, and her aunt will impart it as a profound secret to all her female relatives and acquaintances.

* Good morning, Mr Henpeck,’ said a printer in search of female compositors, ‘ have you any daughters who would make good type setters ?’ ‘ No, but I have a wife who would make a fine devil.’

Hear Him.—Ah Ohio editor heard Nilsson. Hear him rave : —‘ She can go up to fever heat or down fifty degrees below zero with as much ease as water runs off a goose’s back, and her voice fascinates wherever it reaches. She flats and sharps with the accuracy of the pianoforte, and her voice dies away like the echo of the voice of mercy.’ Artless but Shrewd.—A child, while walking through an art gallery with her mother, was attracted by a statue of Minerva. ‘ Who is that ?’ said she. *My child, that is Minerva, the goddess of wisdom.’ *Why didn’t they make her husband too ?’ ‘ Because she had none, my child.* * That was because she was wise, wasn’t it, mamma ?’ was the artless reply. When a certain famous theatrical manager acquited the business, and opened instead a large shop for the sale of patent medicines, a friend drily remarked that he would now no doubt be successful in filling both boxes and pit. ‘Dennis, darling, ocb, Dennis, what is it you re doing?’ ‘Whisht, Biddy, I’se trying an experiment;’ ‘ Murfcher ! what is it ?’ * What is it, did you say ? Why, it’s giving hot water to the chickens I am, so they’ll be after laying boiled eggs? A man in Covingtam made a bet the other day that he could drink a pint and a half of Cincinnati whisky in twelve hours. He won the bet and his widow remarked at the funeral the next day that it was the first money that he had earned by hard work in ten years.

A person observed to the Rev Sydney Smith that Lord must have felt himself much astonished-at becoming the father'of a clever Bon ‘ Yes,’ replied the rev jester, ‘ he must have felt like a hen who has hatched a duck, and sees it suddenly take to the water.’ ‘ Have you grefund all the tools right, as I told you this morning when I went away ?’ said a carpenter to a rather green lad whom he had taken for an apprentice. ‘ All but the handsaw, sir,’ replied the lad, promptly ; ‘ I couldn t get quite all the gaps out of that.’ ‘ What dogs are these, Jasper ?’ inquired a gentleman, the other day, of a lad dragging a couple of wasplooking terriers along a street in Edinburgh. ‘ I dinna ken, sir,’ replied the urchin ; ‘ they cam’ wi’ the railway, and they ate the direction, and dinna ben whar to gang.* .Fell that man to take off his hat in Court,** mu other morning, to an officer. Ihe offender, who turned out to be a lady, wearing a fashionable sailors hat, indignantly exclaimed, ‘I am no man, sir!’ ‘Then,’said his Honor, ‘ I am no judge.’