CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXVI, Issue 23507, 18 November 1939, Page 13 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

"Skinning a rabbit is a perfectly simple operation," says a housewife. "Any three-card-trick expert knows that.

"So long, old man! I'm just off to the wilds of Africa." "Oh, that's fine! Drop us a lion now and then."

Mirrors are not allowed in a certain girls' school in Lancashire, Pupils are evidently * expected to adjust their schoolgirl complexions from memory.

A' bomb was tossed into a Chicago apartment where a party of gangsters were playing poker. It was a quaint coincidence that the dealer had just remarked that the sky was the limit.

"How is your father?" "Oh, hira's a]l right" "How is vour mother?" "Oh, her s very well." "Dear mel Your grammar is terribly bad." "Yes, rheumatic!"

Attention has been drawn to a London man who keeps rabbits in his A.R.P. shelter. Many people hold that in a time of national emorgency rabbits could be relied upon to make their own dug-outs.

QUICK WORKER "I met* the most gorgeous young officer, and lie told me. I was the prettiest gill he had ever seen." "My dear, don't trust a man who starts deceiving you the very first day." "I'LL SAY!" The mathematics master noticed that one of his pupils was day-dream-ing. To recall his attention he said, sharply: "Board, Jeffries, board!" The boy, startled, looked up. "Yes, sir, very!" he stammered. "NOT SO GOOD" On a recent Sunday, when Tommy, aged four, reached home, his mother inquired, "And how was Sundayschool this morning, dear?" "Not so good," said Tomm.Vj looking very serious. "Daniel's in the lions' den again."

Tho sailor of to-day still likes his toddy, declares a writer. Jack and gill seems an inevitable combination.

Author: "I just wrote a book of 250,000 words." Blonde: "Oh, isn't it wonderful knowing so many!" >

According to the landlord of an English country inn, port seems to be a general favourite in war-time. German ships are tremendously keen on it.

On a recent trip to the Highlands, says an American tourist, he had great difficulty in cashing a cheque while in the vicinity of Loch Lomond. So much, then, for those Bonny Bonny Banks.

In an article urging people in Britain to produce as much food as possible in the present emergency, it is pointed out that mustard-and-cress can bo grown on flannel. There must be millions of pairs of trousers lying idle that could be put under cultivation.

A correspondent says ho heard a small boy playing tho mouth-organ very well wliilo going up in a lift. It wouldn't-surprise us to learn that the lad's ambition is to rise in the world as a cinema organist.

OPPORTUNIST Plumber: "Sorry I'm late, lady. Hope you've got on all right." Lady: "Oh, perfectly. While I was waiting for you I taught tho children to swim." WHAT, AGAIN? First Recruit: "I feel I'd like to punch that sergeant-major on the nose again." Second Recruit: "Again?" First Recruit: "YeSj I felt like it yesterday." WHY? "Oaddy, why is mummy singing like that? "She's singing baby to sleep." "Will she stop when baby is asleep?" "Yes, dear." "Then why doesn't baby pretend to be asleep?"

THAT'S DIFFERENT Colonel (rushing on to the platform): "Am I in time for the express—ha: it left yet?" Stationmaster: "Take your time, sir it's a few minutes late." "Late? Confound it, man. it's dis graceful tho way these railways ar< runl" CLEVER "How tho deuce," asked the officei on the rifle range, "have you got thosf four straight bulls? Your range is sis hundred, yards, but your sight is set al three hundred." Said the young Militiaman: "See that little rock half-way along? Well. I'm bouncing 'em off that I" WAY OUT The lorry-driver was _ unfortunate enough' to run his car into a house where a woman stood ironing. Havinp lost his nerve he did not know what to say and blurted out: — "Can you tell me tho way to Onehunga?" "Yes," replied the woman. "Straight past the sideboard aud then to the left past the piano 1" WISH GRANTED Mrs. Smythe-Brown was making the final arrangements for her reception. "Bridget," she said to her old servant, "for tho first thirty minutes after 6 o'clock I want you to stand at the drawing-room door, and call tho guests' names as they arrive." Bridget's face lit up. "Very well, ma'am," she replied, "I've boon wantin' to do th.it to some of your friends for years." FAR AWAY Tho pompous stranger walked into the Recruiting Office and demanded to see the Recruiting Officer. "I'm sorry, bu£ ho isn't hero," replied the sergeant 011 duty. "Is there anything I can do?" "No," snapped the visitor, "I nover deal with underlings. I will wait till the Recruiting Officer returns." "Right, sir. Please take a seat." About an hour later the man became impatient. "How much longer do you think that Recruiting Officer will be?" he demanded. 1

"Nearly a fortnight," waß the reply. 'Ho went on leave this morning!"