CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXVI, Issue 23381, 24 June 1939, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

"My maid is to marry a bailiff." "Hcnv exciting. 1 presume slio met him at your house?" "Was the bracelet Hick gavo you set jrith precious stones?" "Ye;i. Precious few stones." A six-foot man weighing eighteen gtoiic plunged into a canal and rescued a tax-collector. His excuse was ignorance. English and French mannequins are to hold .1 contest. The idea, presumably, is to find out if a miss is as good as a mile.

COOL RECEPTION Georg;e had been late getting home lie previous night. "Was the wife annoyed?" asked Bill. "Annoyed? I'll say," said George. "She left a note: 'Slippers in the refrigerator.' " ' LAD 0' THE VILLAGE '' Faced with the question, "State what you know of Shakespeare's Hamlet," a pupil wrote: — "Shakespeare's" Hamlet is called Stratfoi;d-on-Avori, and is very popular with tourists to-day." HE FORGOT Magistrate: "You maintain you threw your wife out of the secondttorev window through forgetfulness?" Defendant: "Yes, your worship. We Used to live on the ground floor, but jre moved up one." THE WRECK Two Iboys were teaching a friend to ride a bicycle. After helping him on the saddle they pushed him off downhill. As he did not return they went in search of him. Meeting on old ladv, they asked her if she had seen a boy on a bicycle. "Xo," was the reply. "I've not seen anyone except a boy sitting in a ditch • mending; umbrellas." SAFETY FIRST Pat joined the fire brigade. One day Je "'as trapped in -the top room of a burning house. From the window he Wilil see his mates holding a sheet. . "Now, Pat," one shouted, "jump ,D to the sheet and we'll save you." "Not a chance!" cried Pat. 'Put the sheet on the ground and then I'll ; jump." RELIEF Mrs. Neurich: "1 would like you to play at my At Home." Famous Violinist: "My fee would be a hundred pounds." •'lrs. Neurich: "V'erv good. But understand, you would not be expected w mix with the guests." violinist: "Oh. well, in that case I „ play for fifty." RETURN TO STOCK . The Territorial Unit had taken on a Jar Ke number of new recruits and some thein were ;i little raw. During the " rs t rifio inspection, the officer approached one of the men, had a look at pis rifle, and then called to the X.C.O. m charge. . " Look at this man's rifle!" he annoiincp,]. Tbo sergeant looked down the barrel, w 'jng the rifle round to thu recruit, ml harked: ' "Take a look at that ,?t you!" Jhe recruit peered carefully down the tone ' muttered in a surprised Cor! Got an '<>le right Irew it !" LONG WAY ROUND The landlord of tlie village inn was UJ| 8 his doorway when a motor*iJ lov''I ov '' "p. "Could vou tell me the ft* Puddleton?" asked the driver. z"r, that I can," answered the tha s "Go clown this road 'ere, take turning to the left, go on till a signpost, take the turnr°'? 0 ? n theer. and when you coma to o ' ll c ' uc ' <s on 3011 ' ,e ' n ttw motorist, took all the at +u n^s ns instructed, and finished up >■ Utt same pub, with the landlord still ' tt Jhe doorstep. ''l } lt?rt v' said the driver angrily, to } \ L • vou ?a ''l that when 1 got ton," uck P'»'d I should be in Puddterilll*; ,', 10 Pbed tho landlord, ho Puddleion!" J

A man who appeared in a London Police Court has been bound over to keep the peace. That is, presumably, if he happens to find any. One of the attractions at a viliago bazaar was an ankle and knee competition. We understand the judging was done by a joint committee. Prospective settlers in South Africa are advised that there is money in ostriches. But seldom, we understand, more than a few small coins of little value. Millions of dollars are spent every year on rouge by American women. It's only the very old-fashioned lied Indians who still call them paleface squaws. "I tell you Canterbury is the capital of Kent. I ought to know, don't I go to school—stupid?" "Yes, and don't ' you come home stupid, too?" • COULDN'T DO MORE "Do you give a guarantee with this hair restorer?'' "Guarantee, sir? Why, we give a comb!" ANSWERED Undergraduate telegraphs home: "No mon—no fun—your son." Dad's reply: "How bad —too sad—your dad." TRANSPORT PROBLEM Four-year-old Tony had been chosen to act as page at his Auntie's wedding. As the event drew near he developed stagefright. "Mummie, 1 don't want to hold up Auntie's train," he protested. "Why can't sho go by 'bus?" FORE! - Harrison was proud of his golf, and had brought his mother-in-law along to watch him play with a friend. "I'm particularly anxious to make a terrific drive just now," Harrison told his friend. "My mother-in-law is over there, and I " "Don't be a fool," said his friend; "you'll never hit her at 200 yards!" LUCKY FELLOW "1 read in a book that Apollo was chasing a nymph, and she turned into a tree," said one man-about-town. "Gosh, he was lucky!" retorted his friend. "The one I'm chasing always turns into a jeweller's shop or a restaurant." EVOLUTION Judge: "Your profession?" Witness: "Agricultural expert." "What was your father?" "A farmer." "And your grandfather?" "A peasant. NOT SO GOOD, DOCTOR "Ah!" said the doctor, examining his patient, "by your throat I can tell you play a, wind instrument." "Yes, sir," the patient agreed. "We soon learn to discover these things," added, the doctor ; proudly. "By the way, what kind of instrument do you play?'' "A concertina," said the patient, meekly. ROUND ONE "Noo, son," said Macpherson, "just double up your fists like this —verra tightly." "Och, for"shame on ye, Sandy," interrupted his wife, "teaching the wee bairnie to fight—an' him onlv five years old." "That's all right, woman. I wasna teaching him to fight. I was just showing the laddie how to carry a penny wifely."

"You glow your way and I'll glow mine' in futuro," said the glow-worm after a quarrel with his sweetheart. As we go to press we Jearn that Smith minor is now able to sit up in bed and murmur that it was worth it. The habit of celebrating a silver wedding is dying out in America, we are told. So is the habit of having one. Then there was the librarian who was asked what was the shortest book published, and replied, "Who's Who in Germany." "How could a man swindle people who trusted in him?" asks a writer. We refuse to advise him; he must just find out for himself. A magistrate has observed that no nice neighbour would practise a windinstrument after midnight. Kind hearts are more than clarionets. A writer states that many men who are drinking to-day never drank during tho War. The same indictment might be levelled against shaving. "A crocodile is harmless as long as he is occupied," says an African explorer. Nevertheless we still havo 110 desire to bo tho occupant. " Who," asks a political writer, "would support the principle of robbing Peter to pay Paul?" Well, Paul might vote for it for 0110. According to a naturalist fish have no method of communication. This probably explains why they do not respond to tho lines we drop them. A Budapest woman who knows four languages has married a school-teacher who knows eight. That is considered to be pretty good handicapping. Sergeant before dismissing the squad: "Parade again at 2 p.m. when the captain will give a lecture on tho eclipse of tho sun. If it rains the eclipse will be in tho drill shed." Foreigners still with cheek unbounded, Not understanding our British form, Said we were sheep. They are now confounded Watching us wether the storm. As a newspaper correspondent points out, the gas and electricity companies are fighting a ceaseless battle. But it's rather a pity that they have to dig all their trenches along main thoroughfares. THE RIGHT WORD Client: "I don't like these pictures. They don't do me justice." Photographer: "Justice! Lady, what you need is mercy." PASS Chemistry professor: "What is tho outstanding contribution that chemistry has given the world?" Student: "Blondes, sir." TOO EARLY Bill (sadly): "Proposed to that wealthy heiress at 5 a.m. coming homo from the dance. She refused me." Bert: "Tho early worpi got the bird —eh?" BORING Doctor: "And that habit of talking to yourself—there's nothing to worry about that." Patient: "Perhaps not, but I'm such an infernal bore."

EXIT THE GHOST

The tourist was inspecting the an-cient-looking hostel. "Charming old place," ho mentioned to his companion, .1 regular boarder. "Yes," mumbled tlio other, steering his head past an old oak beam just in time to save a nasty bruise. "They say it's haunted," went on the tourist, enthusiastically. "Yes, it used to be," replied the regular boarder, "but the management raised the prices so high that the ghost left."