CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXVI, Issue 23275, 18 February 1939, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

The girl who strikes a good match ias a bright future.

people like to own their own houses £ud. other people's.

A critic says the modern novel is far |oo long. Beyond words. .

Travelling dental surgeries are to be need in rural areas. Teeth will be & on wheels.

A novelist asks what is the best thing for him to do to get a little local colour 0 f prison life. Time.

A phrenologist says ho has trained jus wife and two sons in his profession. hands to the bumps.

SaThe latest theory is that having one's cut will often cure a headache. But B ot if the sufferer patronises our chatty

Over a hundred articles of night apiparel were stolen from a suburban shop. (We suggest that they need a "nightiewatchman.

The writer who suggests that schoolchildren should be taught housework evidently wants sweeping changes in education.

A sports writer says it is safe to pronounce Pzeszewski, a Polish athlete, a future world champion. And a good deal easier, too.

A salesman representing a British jfirm has just returned after a successful jtrip through Persia by air. We understand that he overtook many natives piloting their own magic carpets, and gold them vacuum-cleaners.

A solicitor says that 'a person who ' borrows an article and does not return Jfc iji 9 potential criminal and has a lack of common decency that would make an ignorant savage shudder. Try cutting this out and pasting it on your umbrella. KEEP FIT ' "Do you feel any benefit from your f&sses?" , , , At Harridge's sale I was !■ $0 first up to the blouse department on the second floor." - " A TRIER ■.''lf someone left you a million i jSollars, what would you do?" "Hire six good lawyers and try to j get it." - - WOT FOR THEM . "I want two seats for the play, please." "For 'Anthony and Cleopatra P. .... "No, for me and my boy." LONG AGO ■ Manager: "Were you served by a grey-haired waiter?" , Guest: "I don't know. When he Jook my order, he was a fair young ' . v.-.-;I . IK A HURRY ••• • • Husband: "You have been standing it the- gate talking to Mrs. Hobson for £ solid half-hour." Wife: "Yes, she hadn't time to ; tomein." EXPERIENCED Husband: "You will never succeed in making that dog obey you." Wife: "''Nonsense. It is only a matter of patience. I had a lot of trouble with Jou at first." GOOD VALUE Lodger: " It's disgraceful, Mrs. Skinner! I'm sure two rats were fighting in mv bedroom last night." Mrs. Skinner: "Well, what did you ttpect for ten shillings a week—a bull- ' £ght?". ———— ; iix 1? THAT OHOKED FEELING t For her birthday little Pat had been given a ring, but, much to her disappointment, not one of the guests ft tea noticed it.' At last she could I war their indifference no longer. • : "Ohj-.dear," she exclaimed, "I'm so | »arm in my new ring!" j/ " • SIMPLE -teacher faced the class. •"Now," children," she-stated, "we .*3l take our first question for to-day." .She called upon little Quentin, aged sight;— / .. Quentin smiled broadly. ... . Quentin," she asked, {'what do they S iwse the most of in China?? 1 |t _ 'That's easy," •he yodelled. L, Chinese l l ' v ••

"A crato of fish has just arrived for you, madam.'' "C.0.D.?" "No, madam. H-E-R-R-I-N-G."

A public speaker says that he wants his boys to grow up to bo soldiers. Why shouldn't they take the same risks and be civilians like the rest of us?

Inquiring Youngster: "Tell me, Dad, what is a consulting physician?" Dad: "He's a doctor who is called in at the last minute to share the blame."

In a. recent football match the ball struck the referee and rendered him senseless. An embittered spectator was heard to remark that this was redundant.

An anglers' dinner held recently at Whangaroa was voted a great success by all'those present. It seems the guests were given plenty of elbow-room in which to talk.

According to a : literary critic, 1938 saw some gallant efforts by a small band of novelists who will probably never receive public recognition. The thin, unread Hue of heroes.

"Banks are among the most draughty buildings in the world," says a prominent architect. When we popped in to have a word with the manager last week, ours was by 110 means overdrafty.

"Well dear," wrote the fond mother to her son' who had joined the Army, "I hope you have been punctual m rising every morning so that you haven't, kept the battalion waiting breakfast for you."

Mrs. Toots (in store): "I've waited since five o'clock for my husband, and now it's 6.30."

Shop-walker: "And when were you to meet him?" Mrs. Toots: "At 4."

APPRECIATED "Mary when you wait at table tonight, please do not' wear any jewellery." "Oh, I've nothing valuable,- ma'am, but thanks for the tip."

CAUSE FOR COMPLAINT Exasperated wife: "The night before last you came home yesterday. Last night you came home to-day. If you come home this evening to-morrow morning, I'll go straight home to mother." DISTRIBUTION OF LABOUR "How did you manage to see Home in three days?" "Oh, we managed very well —my wife did the churches and th.e shops, my daughter did the museums, and I did the inns." BAD SIGN "D'you know, Mrs. 'arris, I sometimes wonder if my husband's grown tired of me." "Whatever makes ye think that, ducky?" "Well, 'e ain't been 'ome for seven years." SUSPECT A professor on entering the lecture room found an uncomplimentary caricature of himself drawn on the blackboard. . , , "Do you know who is responsible for 'this atrocity?" he cried. "No. sir," replied a student, "but I I strongly suspect his parents."

"Onljr thoso who have experienced the thrills of winter sports have any idea what they are like," says an enthusiast. Ski-ing, in fact, is believing.

"Do you think those cookery classes accomplish anything?" "Certainly I do. I haven't seen a tramp in the village since they started.''

A tribe of natives in Central Africa are said to have discovered a new poison for their arrows. It is feared that they aro lapsing into civilisation.

"When I walk down the street," confesses a correspondent, "I have a curious desire to touch all the lampposts." Well, that's hotter than touching all his friends.

A scientist tells us that by means of a specially constructed pendulum it is possible to see the earth turning round. The same result can be achieved by means of a corkscrew.

Ex-prisoners offered to renovate a small village lock-up in Texas which was getting shabby, and they stained the walls a dark oak colour. They just love their little brown jug.

Mistress: "I thought you had given up the milkman, Mary, but I saw you out with him again this evening." Maid: "Oh, I've chucked him all right, mum. I'm just workin' off a week's notice with him."

A traveller says that in Fiji he stood beneath a palm tree and a coconut fell on his head, causing great laughter among some natives near by. Apparently thoy didn't realize that it was a matter of gravity.

A little girl was carrying homo some eggs, and dropped them. "Did you break any?" asked her mother. , ~, "No," said the child, "but the shells came off some of them."

THE SOLUTION Two little boys were astride a none-too-large hobby-horse. Things eventually cnme to the point where one little rider said to the other: "If one of us would get off, I could ride better." *WRONG HOUSE Postman: "Is this parcel for you, sir? It's addressed to this house, but the name on it is obliterated." Householder: "Well, it can't be for mo. My name's O'Brien." HE COULD WAIT "These trousers may bo useful to you," said the kind old lady. "All they need is a little mending." "That's all right,-' said the tramp, "I'll call back in arf an hour." NOT THAT WAY They were dancing and he sighed: "Miss Audrey, if only I knew the way to your heart!" Well," she answered, crossly, "if you think it is via the tips of my toes, you are mistaken." TOP OF THE CLASS Teacher: "Now, boys, after what I've explained of the lion's fierceness, strength and daring, can any one of you name a single animal that the king of beasts stands in awe of?" Up shot little Willie's hand. Teacher: "Well, Willie, which is the animal?" Willie: "Please, teacher, the lioness." QUITE PEACEFUL Unfit us had returned to the Imuse earlier than usual, and a mule friend of his wife's had hidden as best he could under the sofa. On entering the room Jlastus looked slowly round, and then felt in nts pocket, producing a wicked-looking razor. . , _ , "What you-all goin' to do, Kastusr' cried Dinah in great agitation. Hast us looked at her grimly. "Dinah," he said, "if dem feet stickin' out dere don't belong to nobody, I is goin' to shave." HARD Tom had been celebrating at his club, and tho early hours of the morning found him wandering home through the park. Suddenly he subsided on to a bench and went dead off to sleep. When he woke an hour later tho pavement all round him was black and glistening with rain. For a few moments he looked round bewildered and then said: "Blimey, ish the ocean." He promptly stood up on the bench, took a header and fell heavily on the asphalt. Badly shaken ho picked himself up and began to walk gingerly along. "Gosh," he muritured, "frozen I"

Winter sports are cheaper. Ought to be on a sliding scale.

"Auction bridge is a game for babes,' says a critic. Hence the dummy.

Never put a gift cigar in her old man's mouth. Unless, of course, you want to break it off.

A doctor says that people cough in very different ways. In our case it always seems to bo up.

"Abomination," wrote the boy with good reason, "is one nation bombing another from the air."

"Your wife's blonde, isn't sho?" "I'm not sure. She's down at the beauty parlour just now."

Bride: "Did I look fidgety during the ceremony?" Bridesmaid: "No, darling, not after Jack said, "I do."

"If you want to know what a man is," says a diet specialist, "watch what he eats." If ho eats his words, he's probably a politician.

A film star stopped on the street in Hollywood to pot a dog and the dog bit him. In Auckland dogs are not permitted to see the films.

The maid, a keen wireless fan, answering the telephone: "Madam will speak to you in one minute. In the meantime here is a gramophone record."

Ink that fades and disappears entirely in a few hours has been manufactured. Invaluable for love-letters, treaties, and for signing on the dotted line if you think you may not care for the vacuum-cleaner after all.

"Temper rarely breeds courage/' says a writer. But sometimes it does. We know a man who got into such a rage when his bacon was burnt for the fourth successive morning, that he actually went to the kitchen and sacked the cook. GONE She: "I heard something about you to-day which left me speechless." He: "What a pity I Now I shall never know what it was." WHY WORRY? "Professor! Professor 1" "Well, what is it?" "There is a burglar in the library." "Dear me, What is he reading P" NO TIME TO WASTE "He said he would give his life for me." "Then if I were you, I should marry him at once; his life is insured for £1000." QUITE ALL RIGHT Reveller: "Excush me, is thish house number 9?" Passer-by: "No, that is number 99." Reveller: "Hurrah 1 Then I'm shober after all." RIPE "Waiter, take this egg away at once." "Yessir. What shall I do with it, sir?" "Wring its neck." TRUE ENOUGH "Tell me, did Elsie tell tho truth when you asked her how old she was?" "Yes." "Well, what did she say?" "She said it was nothing to do with me."

NEW EDITIONS The initial cost of a series of textbooks, like geographies, is enormous, a publisher explains. Yep, and the upkeep must be something fierce, too, since Der Fuehrer, 11 l)uco and the Japs set in. NEVER WRITE Say it with flowers, Say it with eats; Sny it with kisses, Say it with sweets; Sny it with jewellery, Say it with drink, But for tho sake of your bankbook Don't say it with ink. GOOD SPORT It was midnight, ai}d the rain was very heavy. The man who had dined not wisely rounded a corner and sought refuge in a darkened doorway. It happened to be the doorway of a sporting goods store, and over the store was a larpe sign in tho form of a fish, with a nook in its mouth and the line attached. . The man took a look at the sign and became greatly excited. Hurriedly he rang the bell of the apartment upstairs. The sleepy tenant poked his head from the window. "Who is it?" ho called. The other waved his arms wildly. "Como on down!" ho hiccoughed, frantically. "An' make it shnappy. You've got a bite!"