CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23121, 20 August 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Wttles are said to cure rheumatism. Everyone must pick his own cure. The ordinary man rarely likes contemporary music. His reasons are sound. . Cnnie hotels advertise they have riming water in every bedroom. Tlicir main attraction.

An American has laid out 3} acres c skv gardens on the roofs of skyscrapers. Everything comes up.

PLEASE YOURSELF Old Lad/: "I shouldn't cry like th.it-, W boyModern jphild: "Cry as you jolly well please; that, is my way." DOPE "Yesterday I wroto a poem on my fiancee's delightful little feet and read jt to her." ."What did she-say?" ' "That her feet had gone to sleep."

Charity begins at home, but if it stays there it doesn't get much notice.

"The train is not rocking as it did some time ago." "No, sir, it's back on the lines now." Buyer (of a small car): "How does one get in?" Salesman: "You don't get into it, sir. You put it on." Customer (to head waiter): Just as a matter of curiosity, did the waiter who took my order leave any family ? "Anybody can dive," says a swimming expert. It's the coining up again, of course, that most people are concerned about. According to an astronomer there are intelligent beings on Mars who are making frantic efforts to reach the earth. Surely both statements cannot be correct ? BACK TO FORM She: "And are you really and truly happy now, dearest, that your arc married ?" He: "Of course, darling. I can get my mind back to my Roll' now." TOO GENEROUS Old Lady: "Here's a penny, my poor man. Tell me, how' did you coinc to be so destitute?" Beggar: "Well, you see, I was always like you, n-givin' away vast sums to the poor and needy." HE PASSED "Bcforo wo close the contract, do you play the piano?" the landlord asked the prospective tenant. "No." "Do you play tho violin or any other instrument?" "No." "Do you have singing lessons?" "No, and when I gargle I get into a cupboard and shut tho door behind me."

BE CONSIDERATE I "When arriving late at a theatre, try to enter as quietly as possible," urges a producer. After all, there arc other peoplo who have had a tiring day, too, and need their sleep. NOT LIKELY Constable: "Here, what's the meaning of this fighting in tho street?" Wife: "You keep out of this, he's my hunsband." Constable: "Then why don't you fight at home?" Wife: "What, and break up all the furniture?" " CAREFUL! " It happened at the London Zoo. From tho almost solid mass of people on the side of the elephant-walk there darted a small boy, who paused, bun in hand, right in' tho track of the elephant. Just as tho animal extended its trunk to take the bun there came a harassed voico from the crowd: —"Mind, Willie. Mind 'e don't sting!" BE PREPARED Green had invited his friend Brown in to have a look at his garden, and in one corner the visitor noticed an enormous dog kennel with a very small dog curled up inside it. "Whv in the world have yon got a kennel that size for a little dog like that?" asked Brown. Green looked round cautiously and then, lowering his voice, replied: "It's like this. I got a really big one because sometimes when I get home late I find that my wife has locked mo out." STATISTICS Mother wanted to spend Saturday afternoon shopping, and father a statistican —reluctantly agreed to abandon his golf and spend the afternoon with, the three small and energetic children. . . . When mother returned father handed her this: Dried tears—9 times. Tied shoes—l 3 times. Toy balloons purchased —3 per child. Average life of balloon —12 seconds. Cautioned children not to cross street —2l times. Children insisted on crossing street — 21 times. , „ ~ ... , Number of Saturdays father will do this again—o.

SAVING UP A mother noticed that her little daughter was hiding her crusts under tho edge of her plate. "Dorothy," she said, severely, "you may live to want those crusts." "I know, mummy," replied the child. "That's why I'm saving them." A WARNING The electrician was puzzled. "Hey," lie called to his assistant, "put your hand on one of those, wires." The assistant did as ho was told. "Feel anything?" " Xo -" "Good," said tlifc electrician. "I wasn't sure which was which. Don't touch the other or you'll drop dead." TOO MUCH TO ASK In the course of a sensational film, the villain, after a desperate run, reached the railway bridge. "What's he going to do now?" whispered a small child to his mother. "He's going to blow up the bridge," was the reply. "But, mother," protested the boy, —"he can't do it—he's out of breatft already."

JUST FANCY! l'at: "What is the difference between an old maid embroidering and a tramp?" Mike: "I don't know. What is tho difference?" Pat: "The first does fancy work and tho other doesn't fancy work!" HABIT Said an American police sergeant: "Did you givo tho prisoner third degree?" "Yes," replied the constable. "We browbeat him, badgered him, and asked him every question wo could think of." "And what did he do?" "Ho dozed off, and merely said: 'Yes, dear, your are perfectly right.' " SNAPPY Wishing to make his daughter efficient in business methods, a city man persuaded her to keep a note of her daily expenses. On glancing over her little book he noticed a number of entries marked "G.0.K." Ho asked tho girl what "G.0.K." meant and discovered it stood fo v "goodness only knows."