CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23115, 13 August 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Slimming Xote: Too many square meals make too many round figures. "Zoo Monkeys Have Banquet," runs a newspaper headline, Tails were worn. "Doris is petting a man's wages." "Yes, I've known for some time she was married." "What is the best way to stop a runaway horse?" asks a correspondent. 13 a civ it. Occasionally you see a man driving a car so carefully that you conclude it must be paid lor. "Did that new phft- have a happy ending?" "Sure, everyone was glad when it was over." "Mabel says she likes the tone of Percy's voice." "Yes, I guess she thinks there's a ring in it." "If you don't want drink to get the best of you, you must get the best of drink," declares a reformer. Yes, but where ? We read that an American fired several shots at his mother-in-law. There wore no other extenuating circumstances. In an interview a South American millionaire admitted that he was once a traveller in perambulators. Weren't we all?

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IN REVERSE A honeymoon couple's caravan was wrecked in a gale. Then followed the pretty ceremony of lifting the threshold over the bride. NOT SATISFIED \ I have no more faith in women. Why not? Recently I put an announcement in the matrimonial paper and my fiancee answered it. FIFTY-FIFTY Boxer: "How am I doing, Joe?" Second: "Well, I reckon it's about 50-30." "What, even with him?" "No; he's hit you .50 times, and you've missed him qO." PRESCRIPTION "What your husband wants is a complete rest," said the doctor, "so I have prescribed a sleeping draught." "Yes, doctor." said the wife, "and at what time shall I give it to him?" i "Don't give it to him. Take it yourself." I FOR FUTURE REFERENCE Business Man (after interviewing daughter's suitor). "I regret I cannot see my way to allow you to marry my 'laughter at present, but give me your name and address; then, if nothing better turns up in the near future, you may hear from us again." MODESTY The gardeners were talking about the wonders they had grown from time to time. All were doing their share except one. At last, however, someone asked him, "What happened to that rhubarb you had, Jim?" "I sold the sticks to a builder for scaffold poles!" ho replied, quietly. DEFINITELY "What's ver name and what branch of the service d'ye want to bo in?" asked the recruiting sergeant. "Pup-p-p-p-pup-pup —" began the youth. The recruiting sergeant picked up his pen and wrote": "Can't speak English and wants to join Machine-gun Corps." NOT LIKELY! "All those who would like to go to heaven," said the Sunday-school teacher, "please raise their hands." All did, except one. "Why, Johnny," exclaimed the teacher, "wouldn't you like to go to heaven?" "No," said Johnny, looking round the room, "not if that bunch is goin'."

"Do women really spend so much on clothes?" asks a fashion writer. Not so much so much, as so often. "How old is the profession of doctoring?" inquires a reader. At a guess, we should say as old as the ills. An astronomer asserts that the end of the world is in sight. It seems a pity, because prosperity is still just round the corner. An archreologist declares that he does not know what to make of some ancient stone tablets he has found. What about a rockery ? "If you miss a train," we read, "it means that a stranger is coining to call on you." If you miss your best silver, it means that he's been. "Practically every vertcljrate wears less in summer," asserts a back-to-nature enthusiast. A notable exception is the cricket umpire. According (o the captain of n liner, missing the first three meals on board will often ward off seasickness. Missing the whole boat is' of course a surer method still. A correspondent laments the fact that when he appears in public wearing his monocle there are always some people who sneer. Apparently a pane in the eye gives them a pain in the neck. WELL TIMED "Wise men make epigrams and fools quote them." "Quite right. Whoso epigram was that?" BAD LOT "Tell me, is that man Colin honest ?" "Honest? I never shake hands with him without counting my fingers afterwards."

PROOF He was very angry with his tailor. _ "Why, the first time I. buttoned this coat it split down the back," he stormed. "That shows how well we sew the buttons on, sir," was tlie calm reply. NATURALLY ''Parlcz-vous francais ?" "Huh?" (Slowly and distinctly): "Parlezvous francais?" "1 don't quite understand." "Do you speak French?" "Oh, yes—yes, of course."

A correspondent asks if rent-collect-ing can be regarded as a profession. No, it's more often a pursuit. A (charge against a man of stealing eleven bottles of whisky was dropped owing to lack of evidence. No case. An entomologist says that wasps have a wonderful homing instinct. The trouble is they don't give way to it often enough. The 0111 v trouble with looking impartially at both sides of a question is that both sides wallop you for being on the other. Policemen often make good wicketkeepers, a cricketer tells me. Running them out is a nice change after running them in. A man who plunged in at the shallow end of a swimming-pool suffered severo head injuries. He has resolved to avoid such low dives in future. A tried and ancient remedy for neuralgia is a hot flannel tied round the face and worn all night, says a writer. A more drastic treatment is the oldfashioned sock on the jaw. "Quite a number of superstitions are attached to bees," remarks an apiarist. To sit _on a swarm, for instance, is believed to be a sign that you will leave shortly on a long journey. . MISTAKEN Boss: "I wish you wouldn't whistle at vour work, Brown." Office Boy: "It's 0.K., sir. I wasn't working." EASY "Is it right for a woman to go through her husband's pockets?" asks a correspondent. No, futile.

EXPLANATION The old lady and her small "granddaughter were at the cricket match when it started to rain and the players had to run for shelter. "Fancy a little shower like that stopping the game!" complained the child. "Well, my dear," explained Grannie, "only three of them were wearing mudguards." INCONSIDERATE Husband (reading local paper): "Mary, the Smiths are in trouble again. It says hero that their maid was cleaning a pair of white shoes with petrol in front of the kitchen fire. Of course, the girl and stove went up into tho air." Wife: "Poor Mrs. Smith! That is the third maid this year who has left her without giving notice." VERY REFINED Lord Algernon Percy Fitz-Nunke Would constantly get himself intoxicated. A bottle of whisky Would make him so excited That he had to be tied in his bed. Author's Note: 1 hope you do not mind the absence of rhyme. I could not bring myself to use vulgar words like "drunk," "frisky," and "bunk," with reference to an aristocrat like Lord Algernon. * \ ADVICE "My boy," said the magnate to his son, "there arc two things that are vitally necessary if you arc to succeed in business." "What are they, dad?" '• "Honesty and sagacity." "What is honesty?" "Always—no matter what happens or how adversely it may a fleet yoil—always keep your word once you have given it." "And sagacity?" "Never give it." BAD JUDGMENT The prisoner was brought into court and charged with stealing a spade. The magistrate peered at him through his glasses, and then addressed him slowly: "You arc charged with having stolen a spade—what have you to say to this charge?" Confidently the prisoner replied: ".Your worship, I can bring a hundred witnesses who flic 1 , not sec me take it." "Er?" said ' the magistrate. "Eh? Didn't see you take it —well, in that ' case you arc discharged."

One of the characters in a new novel has the habit of blinking rapidly when he is in a bad temper. He might almost be said to gnash his lashes. A writer suggests that people should be taxed according to their weight, This would give some of us a chance of living on the fat of the land. "1 profited greatly by the advice a Harley Street doctor gave me," writes a novelist. And so, we imagine, did the Harley Street doctor. "Well, and what's the new curate like ?" "Oh, he's lovely, daddy. He shuts his eyes upwards like a hen."

NO WONDER Said the would-be scientific man: "The wireless waves are hurled through the ether, strike the moon, and the moon throws them back to the earth." Replied the listener: "You can't wonder at it sometimes." SILENCED A candidate for Parliament declaimed: "The people of this country must grow more wheat!" "How about hay?" yelled a heckler. "I'm talking about food for mankind," retorted the candidate, "but I'll get round to your case in a minute!"