IN THE NEWS

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23109, 6 August 1938, Page 17 (Supplement)

IN THE NEWS

By K. R G. BROWNE

Sketches by A. C. BARBER

whatsoever to any living person.

IF my name were Smith—and it might easily have been if it had been my paternal grandfather's, which it wasn't—l should be quite excited by the news that the Smiths of America have formed themselves into a sort of benevolent brotherhood, open to Smiths of all shapes and ages, but to no Smyths, Smythes, Smijths, Potters, Blenkirons, or Pinwhistle-Snapes. A very sound idea, in my opinion, and one that might well be adopted by the .Browns —among whom 1 include those Urownes who can prove that their ultimate 'V was awarded for services to the State and is not merely borrowed snobbery. (In niv own ease, I owe the coveted letter to that ancestor of mine—a fish-curer of Walthamstow —who received it from Henry VIII., whom he obliged by taking Anne of Cloves to the pictures one evening

wlien the Merry Married Monarch had a date with Kathnrino Parr.) After all. at least 70 per cent of the -world's work is done by the Smiths and the Brown(e)s, with a littlo help from the Joneses, the Robinsons, and tlio Taylors. Records Talk Statistics show, for example, that in the second-hand furniture business there are at least threo Smiths for every Beauchamp-Mainwaring, while in the artificial glue trade the War-bwrton-Frothinghams are out-numbered by the Brown (e)s in the ratio of five to one. Pretty significant, as the ourate remarked on finding a section of dogcollar in the Irish stew. It is not too much to say—and if it were, I should say it just the same, as I feel rather bellicose to-day, owing to yesterday's cold pork—that a brick flung at random anywhere on the earth's surface would almost certainly ''hit (and, naturally, annoy) a Smith or a Brown (e), quietly getting on with some. essential task, such as building a bridge across the Limpopo River or laying a drainpipe in Balham; whereas - one could fling bricks until one's right arm dropped off without even grazing a Fanshawe or a Marjoribanks. (This is just as well, perhaps, Fanshawes and Marjoribankseg- being notorious umbrage takers and very handy with their horse-whips.) It has been computed that if all the Brown(e)s in captivity and those who are not yet married were to march in fours past any given point, the head of the column would be twice as far from the tail as the centre section would be from the 'respective ends, which is rather a staggering thought. And the same applies to the Smiths, although, as they are Bomewhat less energetic than the Brown (e)s, they would probably go by charabanc. Roll Call The Brown(e)s' readiness to do their duty at all times, regardless of the cost, is a very striking trait in their character. When the roll is called in time of war, who answers first—the Brown(e)s or the Withersnoops P When rum is issued alphabetically to platoons, the Brown (e)s have had their tot and curled up with a good book before the .Yateses and the Zimraermans have even grasped what is toward. On the' nominal roll of any regiment worthy of the name, the Brown(e)s, followed at a respectful distance by the Smiths, lead the Urquharts and the Vansittarts by several inches.

Unfortunately, there are black sheep

'in every flock for some reason, and there are certain Brown(e)s and Smiths, who, to their undying shame, have succumbed to hyphenation, the curse of the upper classes. On being introduced,, at a spelling-bee or other social function, to a Brown(e)-YVilkin-boii or a Golightly-Smith, the natural

All the characters in this article are purely imaginary and have no relation

impulse of a true Smith or Brown(e) is to strike the renegade to the ground and jump on him or her, at the same time pronouncing the Curse of tho Eighteen Cockroaches on his or her family and descendants. As such goings-on however, are frowned on by the Anti-witchcraft League, it is wiser on such occasions merely to register contempt by ignoring tho introduction and ostentatiously asking one's hostess for a ham sandwich. A list of those Brovvn(e)B who have left imperishable footmarks on tho sands of Time would extend for yards in both directions and get rather boring after a while; but a few of the more notable deserve to bo mentioned here, just to show that there is no .deception. High on tho list, ,of course, stands the well-known, and rightly popular Tom Brown, who had Schooldays.

| Equally eminent is that John who achieved world-wide notoriety by let- | ting his body moulder. And who has not hoard of the famous Sir Thomas, who earned his final "o" by some feat that escapes my memory at tho moment? f Otis P. Browne, who discovered how to make breakfast-cereals from old bicycle tyres; .Mrs. Hephzibah Brown, who crossed the English Channel in a hip-bath at the ago of eighty-four; the brothers Rollo and Alfred Brown, inventors of the collapsible ear-gag for those who dislike wireless; Adalbert Browne, author of "Tho Darkling Egg," "Whither Wellington?" and other famous poems; George Brown, who soils whelks in Whitechapel on Wednesdays; Iv. R. G. ("Mine's-a-bitter") Browne, the celebrated borrower; these are but a few of the many who have made the name of Brown (e) ring like a dinner-gong down the corridors of History. "Let's Face It" if we JBrown(e)s and Smiths have a grievance—for, after all, even we are only human—it is that we are denied a privilege which is enjoyed by the Finches, the Frenches, and the Folliotts. The latter, if so disposed, can spell their names flinch, ff'rench or ffolliott, which harms nobody and looks very snappy on visiting cards. Yet Finch, French and Folliott are sufficiently high-sounding names in their original state, whereas Brown (e)

and Smith—let's face it, you chapsare not frightfully impressive monikers and could do with a bit of jazzing-up. I cannot speak for the ssmiths in this matter, obviously, but I feel that the bbrown(e)s are only waiting for a lead to make their presence felt. That lead 1 am prepared, for a consideration, to supply. Contributions, therefore, should be addressed to K. R. G. bbrowne, 3, The Almshouses, Lower Pillow, Beds. Thanking you one and all.