THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23097, 23 July 1938, Page 12 (Supplement)

THE FIRST YEAR OF MARRIED LIFE

By CAROL BlßD—(Copyright)

JUDGING from quips that go the rounds, it is the "first 50 years of marriage that are the hardest." But—if that is true—how about that first year 1 THAT must be a regular old "fork-tail" of a twelvemonth ! How do young married couples manage to survive it 7 There must be a lot of adjustment necessary, but of what kind i Rachel Field and Arthur Pederson were put on the witness stand. Why this particular pair? Well, they have been married —to each other —since 1935. Rachel Field (Mrs. Arthur Pederson) is an American author, artist, playwright, and wrote her last book, "'lo fcjee Ourselves," in collaboration with her husband. The story is about a husband and wife, newly married, who. with their dog, drive to Hollywood from a Mid-Western State to make their fortune in the motion-picttire field. The fictional pair are very much in love,'but they meet discouragement. Thev worrv, scrimp, grow irritated# quarrel a little in their tension. How they 'meet heartbreaking obstacles, adjust and grow closer to and more dependent upon each other is part ol tho story. Since Rachel Field and her husband went to Hollywood with their dog Trotty, after their marriage, we decided they might have a few real-life truths to impart about the first year of marriage and its trials and adjustments. Real-Life Truths The collaborators were found during < a brief rest from their writing labours, I drinking iced tea in their apartment in j New York City. Their Scotch terrier. ; Trotty, sat on the couch, playfully licking the velvet spread. The Pedersons were quizzed on what makes a brand-new marriage keep on j ticking, sound an alarm or <:;o dead altogether. And is this business ol 'tho first 50 years' 1 being tho hardest a lot ' of eyewash, or isn't it? "What are some of the necessary adjustments in marriage;- 1 " was the first : question popped at .Mr. and Mrs. Ped- i rrson. Mr. Pederson looked eonteniplft- j live, took a sip of iced tea. "Keep your worries to yourself," he 1 answered. "I think that is one of the big, one of the important adjustments. Any one who loves another is quito j likely to worry a great deal over the I loved one's troubles. So I say don't j give your devoted partner your own j burdens to bear. Each one should ' shoulder his of her own worries. "Of course, that doesn't mean that '■ a young married pair shouldn't discuss j their problems, whether they be financial or any other kind. Talking things over with one another makes the nice things in one's life twice as nice, and it also halves the problems, because therp are two to share them. It is the case, in our private lives. "But what I want to stress is that neither mate should attempt to dump his worries on the other's shoulders and

crawl out from under himself. Also, it isn't wise to brood on troubles, harp on them, keep them perpetually m mind. Discuss them and solve them once and for all, ami be done with it. Is it the wisest tiling for a young couple in a small city to remain there and get in a rut, perhaps, or ought they to be daring, pull up stakes when they marry and try far fieldsV Mr. Pederson debated this for a moment. "So much depends on circumstances," he answered. "And on tho abilities and stamina of the pair who decide to uproot themselves and try for bigger things elsewhere. However, I do think that a married couple if they start out on a new venture, whether it is running a farm, buying a store or building a home in a new community, are brought closer together by their pioneering spirit. They have reached out for something different. It has made them adventurers and built up another bond between them. Don't you think so. Rachel!-'" Rachel Field nodded in agreement. "I do, indeed."

Facing Difficulties Continued Mr. I'ederson: "Don't yon think they will bo more mature than if they had staved at home in their own little nichet" Again Miss Field was in accord with her hushand's viewpoint. "J. am convinced they will, after such a venture." she said, "have a more adult way of facing lifV, of facing up to difficulties in future." Mr. I'ederson: ''But T don't think if. is necessary for them to pull up stakes. They can try now things in their own home towns just as well as they can by seeking new pastures. However, it takes a great. deal ol courage and line spirit W> do and dare and lad. es, I mean that; it takes courage to lace failure. Hut because a young man and his wife do not achieve what they set out to do does not necessarily mean that they have failed." I'achel Field: "N'o, it often means that they have learned something else, something of great value. They might, have thought they knew all there was to know ahout each other until thc\ got 'bucking' the Then each saw the oth»r in a different light. Adversity and struggle sometimes do that to people." What, might sonic of the things he that young people learn in difficult situations in discouraging circumstances Y Never "Down" on Same Day Rachel Field smiled and gave answer: "For one thing, they might learn never to get discouraged on the same day. I think virtually every one who is married must learn that. Kverv married couple should, early in their life together, promise each other never to lie I down on the same day. If' one is moody, j depressed, brooding, it is so easy to | pull the other down. Then the gloomy 1 atmosphere is just, that much thicker. "Fven though a couple do make this promise, they will find it difficult to keep. They will slip every once in a while. JJut i hold that it is a very good

thing to try to remember: Never be in the depths at the same tinm; pick different days. One must manage, somehow, to be on the hilltop and reach a helping hand down to try to pull the other up. "Married couples to-day, of course, face an entirely new set of problems from those of people who have been married for a long time. There is a new world to he faced now. Everything is changed. Conditions that face young married people to-day are far different from those faced by their parents. Cneiuploymcnt and uncertainty are often their lot.

Faith in Future "Ten or 15 years ago people did not have to worry so much ahout their economic situation. If a man lost his job tin chances were he could get another in a day or so. Now everybody has the fear of unemployment. Fven if you have a job to-day, how long will it last.'" , Here Mr. I'ederson interposed to say: "I think, nevertheless, an important thing for young people to have, in order to make a success of their marriage and of their life, is a belief in the future, even though conditions to-day make that a little difficult. Don't vim agree, I'achel y" IJachel Field: "Yes, 1 think it's advisable for a husband and wife to cling to that idea, to be convinced that the future does hold happiness and fulfilment ami even success for them, liht there arc plenty of young people who do not have this confident, belief in the I ut ure. ami in many respects you cannot blame t hem much. "I.et me make another point. 1 think it is well lor a husband and wife always to bear in mind that they are married • that they are now two instead of one—and act accordingly. This means that, they will always be considerate of each other. They must always think of fbe t vvo-ness, whether they are turning on or oil the radio, or doing anything else around tlie house. "Il a husband or wife has lived in a large family, before marriage, this is easier to accomplish, this constant thought for some ono else in the home.

Hut if you have been living alone for qiiito a long time before marriage—particularly if you have 'lived alone and liked it' —it is important that you change your pattern of thought, your entire mode of life, and constantly refresh vour memory regarding the fact that now you are sharing a home with someone else. It is no longer exclusively I your own abode. You must constantly be recalling thai there is another person who has rights, too. "One thing my husband and 1 get to laughing about is the boredom married pairs often exhibit toward each other. It is true that a married person does hear the other's viewpoints and stories nil the time, so they become a little stale. You also know that you must continue listening to them the rest of your lifetime. "Try not fo be bored. Also realise that all the things that are so old and tiresome to you. because you've heard them repeated so often, are fresh and new and entertaining to someone else, lie patient. Act interested and entertained, even though you're not. That is, bo a courteous audience to your busband or your wife." Influence of Friends \YI ten asked whether they 1 bought friends could help to make a union happy or, on the other hand, aid in destroying it, Mr. I'ederson replied: "We have been fortunate iu that respect.. Rachel likes my friends and I like hers." Rachel Field: "Yes, we have mutual friends. Rut 1 think that, often friends can play the very devil with a marriage. I have seen it happen in th«» case of other people." Arthur Poderson: "It simply moans that you must be more discriminating, more careful, in the matter of establishing friendships when you are married than when you are single. I am always particularly pleased if Mrs. I'ederson likes some one I chance to bo fond of." .Rachel Field: "Having the same friends is a great bond. I can imagine

that if a wife did not like one of her husband's closest, friends, it would prove a very definite handicap. We have married friends who have made a rather nice adjustment so far as friends and their social life are concerned. He takes a night off once a week and goes w here he chooses. Then she takes a night off and he stays home, feeds (lie two children and puts them to bed. It is often the case that a man may not want to be dragged out with a lot of girl friends of his wife's; he may, on the other hand, want to go out alone with his men friends."

Mr. I'ederson: "I think something i that holds and maintains a married couple's interest is to work for something together, a vacation, a trip,- or building a home or a boat, or buying a car. Little dreams that they make conic true together." Not All Luck Is a sense of humour necessary in marriage? the couple was asked. Rachel Field: "I think it is groat if both have a sense of humour." Happy marriages are not made in heaven, according to Arthur Pederson, but right here on earth b.v the contracting parties themselves. Ho said: "So many people think a happy marriage is a mutter of luck. Rut when you see a successful union you can know that .much work has gone into making it so. Those two people have sf rived to accomplish it. They have shared so much together. Sharing is important." Rachel Field: "I think married couples must be careful not to cling to each other too much. They must reach out toward others. I do not mean that they must always run about, thinking if a calamity to spend an evening at home with each other. Rut I do think there is a tendency alter marriage to narrow one's contacts, to neglect one's friends, to fail to call them up, and that little effort is made to make new friends."—S.F.B.