CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23097, 23 July 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Gsrcleiiing proverb: And let the marrow tnko thought of itaclf.

The United States has 3. r 3,OUO»,O00 radios in use. What a racket!

At sonic parties, it seems, oncp the ire is broken the crockery and furnitture go next.

A &i'ienti.-t declared recently tlint clns*- i> not really a bolid but a rather h;ir< 1 liquid. Duos ho expect lis to swallow that?

1 Irnrn that club swinging has ngnin br<-< nut' popular in the Army. Jn. tlio \Mir flays it was lead swinging.

Tin l golfing holiday is becoming moro popular, ivp learn. That's ulvn luisbnikls get off the chain and stay cm tlio links

I'roilioamrnt: The s;irl who wanted to brc;ik lu-r cngagc-mont but slio h.wl boconif mi fat lliaL t-lie couldn't got the ring olf.

A y'.iy la tely produced in America was entitled "\Vet Paint..'' The author posj-ibly hoped to deter critics Ironi bitting on it.

New efforts are being mucin to ;pi it the ;ifom. They should turn the job over to the man who cuts tho ham for my sandwiches.

Doctors report that a woman lias not slept for twenty years. What a wife ?he would make for the man in the fiat above mo.

NO FEAR! The lady was having difficulty in finding a seat on the train and the porter approached. "C'ome this way, mum," he suggested, "and I'll fix you up on the front of the train." "You'll do no such thing," she replied, indignantly. "I'm no mascot."

. MONEY TALKS "few men can speak for over an hour without referring to notes," says a writen We have found women to be much the same. TAKE THAT! A conversationally-inclined cab driver was telling Stephanie Desmond, tho actress, about some trouble he had had the other night out in Squirrel Hill. Seems he had taken home a drunk and the fellow refused to pay his fare. After arguing with him a reasonable length of time,,the driver finally socked him on the nose. "All right—l'll pay," the drunk weakened. "But L won't give you any tip because you made my nose bleed. THE LIMIT Two actors met in the street. "Fancy meeting you, old chap," said the first., "I thought* you were doing A season with a touring company." "I finished last week," said the other. "I couldn't stand it." "What!" exclaimed the first, mean you quit?" "I iiad to." he replied. "I didn't mind it so much when they stopped paying salaries. And when the printing company refused us further credit, and we had to rely on gossip to publicise the show, J was not greatly upset. Hut when the electric company turned off the power and wo started to use glowworms for footlights, 1 quit!"

The clift'orenee hot worn a homely girl, George, and a pretty one is that the one gets on your nerves nnd the other 011 your lap.

A novelist says that while ho is in town nobody seems to bo interested in him. He should let it ho known that ho thinks of buviny a ear.

''The opening: item in a pierrot slinw should hp in tlio hands of an oxporionred performer," say one of the number. The carl)" turn bo cftcn gets the bird.

"What could be hotter than lying in the open air and seeing the stars above you?" nsks a holiday-maker. Persuading the wretched tent to stay up, surolv.

A Leeds engineer announces that he is now working on a robot hallstand that will take people's hats and coats as they go past. Many umpires Mill agree that no cricket ground shqujd bo without one.

AYo read that an American horticulturist is trying to cross tlit? tomato with the cucumber. If he can also succeed in grafting hard-boiled eggs to lettuce he will be well on the way toward providing a good mixed salad on two plants.

PINAL A short-sighted gentleman wont to chocso a paii ot sp'-.otacles. "Thi'sc- glasses,'' he said, "are not. stronn enough for me." "But, sir, they are Xo. 2." "What is next to Xo. 2?" "Xo. 1." "And after that?" "After Xo. 1, sir, you -will want a dog."

CRUSHING Diner (to orchestra leader): "Could you play something by request?" Leader: "Why, certainly, sir." Diner: "Then go and play draughts until 1 have .finished eating." WRONG AGAIN A Frenchman who was very proud of his knowledge of English, at the conclusion of an afternoon visit, rose, bowed politely to his hostess, and said: "Now 1 must so, madame. 1 cannot dbekroaeh upon your time longer." Sweetly the lady corrected him: "Ah, no, m'sieur! 'Encroach,' we say." Ho looked at her sadly, and said: "Alas! One t'ousaml pardons. 'Encroach,' of course, when one speaks to a lady. I always mix up zo English genders." DON'T WHISPER Some people wonder what a Mormon wedding is like. "Well, it's much like any wedding. Only a word or two difference. The preacher says: "Do you take these women to be your lawfully wedded wives The Mormon says: "I do." 'J'lien the preacher says: "Do you women take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?" And the women say: "Wo do."

Tlioti tho preacher says: "Well, some of vou Kills there at the bark will have to speak u[> louder if you want to bo included in this."

A clergyman reminds us in his parish magazine that it pays to smile when lilies vjo wronuj. Still, we don't advise our golt'-caddio to try it.

A luxury flat owned by a notorious Chicago gangster has rubber walls and floors. When professional rivals pay a call he simply rubs them out.

Accord ins to an historian there wore many examples of sportsmanship in the liulian wars of America. No white man, it appears, would dream of shooting a Sitting Bull.

"Jn pre-war clays," a leader-writer assures us. "there wouM have been a war long hp lore now. 1 ' But there has been a war long before now now. now hasn't there?

On arriving in Knglanil. a famous film star said she didn't want to be photographed. A risky tiling to say. It is .ijist possible that a yonnv; and inexperienced press photographer liavp taken her at her word.

A motorist points out tli.it there are limits to the patient, kindliness of the '"courtesy cops," and fines may follow road incidents. Xev< rtheless, wc think magistrates might preserve the spirit of the Idea by saying "Forty shillings and costs, please. 1 ' LOOKS BAD Counsel (to the police witness): "But if a man is on his hands and knees in the middle ol the road, that does not prove he is drunk." Policeman: "Xo, sir, it does not. But this one was trying to roll up the white line." SAFE

Officer (during field manoeuvres): W hat do you moan ? You are standing in the imaginary lino of fire of tho enemy. 500 yards aivav."

Private: "I'm quite safe. I'm standing behind ail imaginary rock, 30 foot high."

LOOSE CASH "[ always encourage mv husband to recline in an easy chair and put his feet on the mantelpiece." "Wliy-" "When ho goes to her], there is usually some small change left in the chair." NOTHING DOING "Oh. do tell me, my dear, all the scandal that lias happened while I've been on my month's holiday." "Well, really, my dear, let 711 e see. 'J he fact is that since you have been away J don't think there has been any scandal." SAFETY FIRST Tho local chemist was called out one day and left the new assistant in charge. When he returned the assistant said: "A customer came in while you were out, sir." "Oh, what did he want?" "He was rather groggy, so 1 gave him a tonic—n general mixture, a bit of this and a bit of that." "flut you don't know anything much about it. You don't know what harm you might do him." "Oh. that's all right—l got him to sign the poison book."

PAY UP An enterprising (irni advertised: ■ "All persons indebted to our store are requested to call and settle. "All those indebted to our store, and not. knowing it, are requested to call and find out. "Those knowing themselves indebted, and not wishing to fall, are requested to stay in one place long enough lor us to catch thcin."