CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 23009, 9 April 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Money talks—and a millionaire's will is lihe last word. "Doesi your brother wear glasses P" "No, ho empties them I'' "That singer has his voice well under control." "I cannot agree—every time anybodys asks him he sings." , "Help, George, help! The brakes won't aetl" "Keep cool, darling, and try to hit something cheap." "I always had a presentiment I should die young." "Well, darling, you were wrong, weren't youP" "Women are at last permitted to step into men's shoes," declares a feminine writer. Size of relief 1 The inaid, a keen wireless fan. answered the telephone: "Madam will speak in one minute. In the meantime, 111 put on a gramophone record." Rugby players are requested to read the rules. It will come as something of a shock to many hearty scrummagers 'to learn that there are any. Father: "Was that golf ball ye brought home really lost?" Sandy: "Aye, it was, father. I watched two men looking for it twenty minutes." A Russian scientist declares that he can measure a ten-thousandth part of an inch. His idea seems to be to make car-park attendants green with envy.

SIGN OF TROUBLE Barber: Was your tie red when you came in?" Customer: "No." Barber: "Blimey!" DOUBLE UP "Lend me five pounds, old man." "Lending; often spoils friendship, and ours is worth more than five pounds." "Make it ten, then." TOUGF PROPOSITIONS "I dare not tell my wife lies when I get homei late. She's a medium, you know." "Neither dare I. Mine's a blinking heavy-weight." i* DOWN UNDER Doctor (at lunatic asylum): "This is a ward for motor maniacs." Visitor: "I don't see any." Doctor: "No, they are all under the beds doinj; repairs." FINE WEATHER SOLDIER "What do you mean by being away ten days after being granted only seven days' leave?" asked the C.O. "It said on my leave paper seven clear days, and three of them were foggy." replied the recruit.

"MAKE XT SNAPPY" A clergyman received the following notice regarding a marriage that was to take place:— "This is to give you notis that I and Miaa Jemima Brearly is comin' to your church on Saturday afternoon next to undergo the operation of matrimony at your hands. Please be prompt, as the taxi ip hired by the hour." THIS PRICE WE PAY Two country yokels were sitting on a seat in Waterloo Station when the following conversation took place:— First Yokel: "I say, George, what I can't understand is what all this <A.M.' and 'P.M.' what's written all over these 'ere timetables means." Second Yokel: "You oughtn't to confess your ignorance, Fred. Why, •A.M.' stands for 'alfpenny a mile, and 'P.M.' for penny a mile."

By using jour arms in a certain way, says a farmer, it is possible to ward off an attack by a bull. Most people prefer to rely on their legs.

The case is reported of a former confidence triokster who has reformed and is now taking up the collecting of old pewter as a hobby. Well, he ought to know something about mugs.

The tenant of a London flat complained of knocking noises on his floor. It appears that the occupant of the flat below is in the habit of playing .a muted trombone in bed.

A man who has travelled practically all over the world is producing a series of articles on "How the people of other lands greet each other." Wo shall be particularly interested to see what happens when Greek meets Greek.

"What do you do with all those piotures you paint?" "I sell them, sir." "AH right. Report to my office on Monday. I've been on the look-out for a 6al(ssman like you for years." CATTY First Actor: "I can't get my shoes __ J J on. Second Actor: "What! Feet swollen, too?"

' SAME OLD THING One evening: Ronnie and George began to talk over old times. "That reminds me," commented Ronnie. "What happened to Clive after he, failed as an architect?" "Oh," informed George, "he went on the stage." "How's he doing there?" "Still drawing poor houses," came the reply. FATAL CONCLUSION A would-be chicken farmer had some difficulty with her flock and wrote to the Department of Agriculture: "Something is wrong with my chickens. Every morning I find two or three lying on the ground, cold and stiff, with their feet in the air. Can you tell me what is the matter?" After a while she received the following reply: "Dear Madam, —Your chickens are dead."

"Your vegetable garden may now be dug to a depth of two feet,' says an agricultural correspondent. It may, but I very much doubt it.

"Some bridge-players," says a writer, "are apt to become exasperated during the game and bid more than their hand is worth." The call of the wild, so to speak.

Many people are having the telephone installed in their bathrooms. It is fun to ring up a voluble friend, dip the receiver in soap-suds, and then watch him blowing bubbles.

Men's heads are getting larger, says a London hat expert. On an average, hats are now two sizes larger than 20 years ago. I wonder what there's been in these 20 years for anyone to have swelled head about.

The wall of a shoe-shop collapsed last week, flinging footwear all over the place. We hear that a dazed assistant sat up among the debris and murmured: And here is another fashionable line, Madam." THESE INSPECTORS Shipwrecked Sailor: "Why does that cannibal look tffc" us so intently?" Second Sailor: "He's the food inspector."

BRIGHT ENTERTAINMENT The pompous individual had made a ridiculously low offer for a valuable lot of property and called the following day for an answer. "Have you entertained my offer?" he inquired. "No," replied the owner. "Your offer has entertained me." GETTING IT STRAIGHT Fastidious Diner: "Two eggs, please. Don't fry them a second after the white is cooked. Don't turn them over. Not too much fat. Just a small pinch of salt on each. No pepper. . . Well, fahat are you waiting for?" Waiter: "The hen's name is Betty. Is that all right, sir?" HOPE SPRINGS ETERNAL A golfing novice had driven his ball along the fairway, but unfortunately it disappeared down a rabbit hole. "Which club will you take nowP" asked his caddie, with a sly smile. The novice sighed wearily as he scratched his head in doubt. Then at last he asked hopefully: "Have you got one shaped like a ferret?" RISKY Dad was trying to read, but young Willie was pestering him with questions. "Dad," he said, "does the ostrich sometimes bury its head in the ground?" "Yes, yes," replied Dad, testily. "Then," went on the boy ? "how does it remember where.it buried it?" SHE KNEW The executive turned to his blonde secretary: "Miss Smith," he said, "take a letter, please." The secretary poised her pencil. "Messrs. Briggs, Blower and Boz," he began. Ho cleared his throat. "Gentlemen," he went on. . . "I beg to differ with you," interpose'd the secretary. "I've been out with all three of them I" FRAMED Aii American tourist had an invitation to shoot over a large estate in England. On the evening before the Bhoot he went to see the gamekeeper. "Say, I'm one of the crack shots in the States," he said. "To-morrow you'll bo loading for me, and for every bird I miss I'll give you half a dollar." After the shoot the gamekeeper went to the local pub and recounted the American's boast to a friend. "And how did you get on?" asked the other. ' "Fine I" retorted the gamekeeper. "If I'd had another blank cartridge I'd have made a level fiver!"

A tailor claims to have invented a secret pocket that no ordinary pilferer could possibly discover. He is confident of its success, as he incorporated it in one .of his own suits and his wife was quite half an hour finding it.

ONE OP THE ARTS "Father, what is dramatic ability?" "Dramatic ability, my son, is an employee's gift of being able to look sad when he hears his boss is too ill to come to the office." GIVE IT A TRIAL "Come on, let's get married," said the boy. "It will be quite easy because my father's a minister." "Okay," replied the girl. "Let's try it, anyway. My father's a lawyer." NOTHING DOING Smith was watching the local football team getting ready. At the last minute they found that the referee was missing. "I say," shouted one of the players to Smith, "do you know enough about football to refereo?" "I knojv enough about football not to," replied Smith, as he walked away, NO HELP "You've been worrying me for five years now because you weren't as well dressed as Mrs. Smart next door," said Hobson. "Well?" demanded Mrs. Hobson. "Well, he's failed—can't pay his debts!" "Did he owe you anything?" "No!" "Humph! I can't see what that has to do with my clothes!"

STRINGY A violinist entered a music shop. "I want an E-string, :if you please," he observed to the man behind the counter. Nervously producing a box, the new Cockney assistant said: "Would you mind pickin' one out for yourself? Y'know, I 'ardly can tell the 'e's from the she's." SLICE SALES TALE "Most interesting," breathed the sweet young thing to the motor-car salesman, "and now do show me the depreciation, please. I heay it's heavy in these cars." "As a matter of fact, madam," enthused the opportunist, "we found it a source of worry and had it removed altogether." NOT SO DUMB Johnny, who had just left school, set out to get a job and called at the local engineering works. "What can you do, eonny?" asked the foreman. "Anything," replied Tommy. "Can you file smoke P" »asked the foreman.

"Yes, sir," replied Tommy with a grin. "If you'll screw it in the vice for me." He got the job.

LISTENING IN Mother was away for the night, and her little boy, frightened of sleeping by himself, crept into hiu father's bed. The next morning at breakfast the boy said: "Dad, do you know you talk in your sleep?" "Do I, sonny P What did I say last night?" , : "You were teaching, dad; teaching someone to say words," replied the boy. "What sort of words?" "Little words," the boy replied. "You kept saying to someone, "'Say whenl' "