CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 22991, 19 March 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Among the materials suggested in a Uromen's paper for sun-bathing cosjtumes is lawn. Cut short, of course. Teacher {to young schoolboy): "If Utoo is tho opposite to happiness,, what js "the opposite of sadness?" Schoolboy: " Gee-up.''

Lady: " So you are on a submarine? fTell me, what do you do?" Sailor:. •" Oh, I run forward and hold her noso Jrhen we're going to dive." It is stated that silver is the cleanest, most durable and non-corrosive metal next to gold. Quite so. We always use it ourselves —next to gold!

WEDDING BELLS "So you want another day off?" said the office chief to his small office-boy. "I am interested to hear what the excuse is this time. You've been to the funeral of your grandfather four times this year." "Grandma is getting married again," announced the boy. ART The prospective customer entered the art shop. f "I want to see some} of those pictures that are done by scratching," he said to the assistant!. The assistant thought a moment, and then his face lighted up. "Oh, yes," he said, "you mean itehings." i NOT FOR LONG The old commercial traveller was relating his experiences to a young man. Old Traveller: "And don't forget, never try to /'sell an encyclopaedia to a bride." Young Man: "And why not?" Old Traveller (smiling cynically): "She always thinks her husband knows everything." BROAD HINT The rich young man approached the girl's father with some misgivings. "Kr—er, I suppose, .sir," lie began nervously, "that you are aware 1 have been making advances to your daughter?" I Father patted him on the back. "Yes, and now what about her poor old dad, eh?" WHAT NEXT "You Rav your mother-in-law threw a chair at you?" said the magistrate. "Yes. sir." "And then your wife threw a table at you?" "Yes, sir." "And what made you leave the house?'' "I saw rny daughter looking thoughtfully at the sideboard." HARD LINES Two old friends met again after many years. "Have you heard about Bill?" asked one. referring to an old acquaintance. "No." siiid the other. "What happened to him?" "He dropped dead outsido a publichousrv' "Going in or coming out?" in." "What bad luck." RETORT ( Once while campaigning in the home state of his opponent, William Howard Taft found his speech constantly interrupted by heckling from the gallery. Finally a cabbage landed on the stage find came "to rest near his feet. Pausing in his address, Mr. Taft peered at the vegetable intently and then remarked. Ladies and gentjeI soo that one of my adversaries haa lost his head."

Lady of tho Hon,so (engaging servant) : " I hope you haven't a young man." Bridget: " Oh, 110, mum; he's nearly lifty." Tourist: " And is tho chin-strap to keep the helmet on?" Policeman: " No, mister, it's to rest tho jaw after answering questions." Tho difference between sowing wild oats in tho city and country is that tho neighbours in tho country know tho size of tho crop. " A friendly game of cards will help to pass an evening very pleasantly," says a writer. Or, on tho other hand, there's always bridge. " Can you make the kind of cakes mother used to make?" " Yes, if you'll put up with tho kijid of indigestion father used to have." Tho latest pastime is to collect tho thumbprints of friends. A good start can bo made by persuading them to return borrowed books. An American farmer has paid for his daughter's education with the whole of his potato crop. Apparently he had eyes for nobody but lieri A burglar who broke into a poet's flat recently was discovered poring over some of £he lattcr's work. Ho was caught napping, of course. The German savant who is working out a cure for laziness doesn't expect riches. Tho ingratitude of the sufferers he has saved will be enough. A critic says he is sorry to have to confess that he fell asleep over the first chapter of a new book. But he found the rest very refreshing.

HIS OWN TRUMPET Douglas Jerrold, the wit, was present at a dinner party at which the principal dish was a sheep s head. One gentleman, particularly enthusiastic on the excellence of the dish, exclaimed: "Well, sheep's head for ever, say I!" Whereupon Jerrold commented: "There's egotism I" COMFORTING The nervous passenger approached the captain timidly. " What would happen," she asked if we struck a large iceberg?" " The iceberg would pass along as if nothing had happened," replied the captain. And the old lady was, very much relieved. MONOPOLY The game was very one-sided. Just after half-time the captain of the losing team approached the referee. "I say, can we have another ball?" "What do you want another ball for?" the astonished referee asked. "Well," grumbled the captain, "those chaps want that one all to themselves." THAT BOY AGAIN " Why, dad," exclaimed little Willie, at dinner one evening, when his father had his employer as a guest, " this is roast pork." . „ , ~ „ 7] . "Of course," said his father. What of it?" . . " Well," said Willie, you told mother this morning that you were bringing that Old mutton head in 101 dinner."

''"Were avc," asks on inquirer, "all born in vain?" No—just vainl

Big men get the best jobs. Becauso the small men are so often overlooked.

The only wide open spaces some men know about are tho holes in their socks.

Tlio girl of to-day deserves credit for her smart appearance. And tho dressmaker gives itl

At the variety show: " However does ho remember all those jokes?" " Boats me. I'd forgotten them."

" Sadie, what is a gentleman?" " A gentleman," answered Sadie, "is a man you don't know very well."

" Whatever is a woman thinking of to give her ago wrongly?" asks a passport oiik'ial. Her real one, probably.

First Burglar (to companion during a raid on a chemist's shop): "I'll tnko tho rash; you'd better tako something tor that cold "

"Excuse me, but unless I'm mistaken I've seen your faco somewhere else." "You are mistaken. I always wear it in the same place."

"I did not steal the chicken," said the poacher, "I just took it for a joke." "Two months," replied the magistrate, "for carrying the joke too far." A writer points out that lots of •women are keen on gardening nowadays. We know one who spends nearly all her husband's spare time at it. The latest type of scarecrow moves its arms vigorously several times a minute. So there is no likelihood of its being mistaken for a jobbing gardener. When a man was ejected from a meeting at a Glasgow hall, thirty other people also left as a protest. This occurred just before the silver collection. The Scot stormed into the house and thundered: "Woman, I have a bone to pick with you!" His sarcastic wife merely sneered: "Sorry, but I'm not hungry." SUDDEN DEPARTURE Mr. Screccher (about _to sing): " What's your favourite air?" Friend (making for door): "Fresh —and plenty of it." WORSE Mary: " My husband spends his spare time writing plays." Alice: " That's nothing; my husband makes a scene every night." EMBARRASSING Wrestler: "Tell your chief I've called I to see him. My name's Smith. Office Boy (nervously): "Oh, you're! Mr. Smith. That's awkward." Wrestler: "Awkward! What do you: men n?" 1 Office Boy: "My orders are to throw j you out." !

SHE'S DIPFERENT Brown: " I married my wife because she was different from the other women I met." Jones: "How was that?" Brown: " She was the only woman who would have me."