CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXV, Issue 22949, 29 January 1938, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Latest Howler: A spa is a place wlicro people drink their bath water. A thief stole a judge's car recently. He quickly set the machinery of the law in motion. Following a bowls championship at Wimbledon the victor kissed the vanquished. Drake didn't do that. Free speech means you can say what you ploiso if you don't mind getting fired or losing customers. "It seems to mo that a tipsy man has nine lives," observes a writer. One over tlia eight seems appropriate. "So Turner made a fortune?" "Yes, he invented a chocolate bonbon with a lettuce centre for women on a diet." "Politeness is the art of making your guests feel they are at home," says a hostess, instead of just wishing they were. Experiments are being made with a specially strengthened type of brown paper as a building material. The idea is that an Englishman's homo should be his parcel. "C.B.S. is now the complete Man of Letters," asserts a literary critic. So apparently he has got over tho postcard stage at last.

A New York column 107 feet high is, aftei 1 a lapse of twenty-eight years, to be provided with a statue. The provision of columns 107 feet high for local statues should follow automatically.

Stockings of an unusually fine texture are made by a new process. We refuse to believe, though, that they are spun directly on the wearer by shifts of specially-selected silkworms on a 40-hour week.

A physical culture expert says that every member of his family lias a tepid hath immediately upon rising, thus promoting happiness and harmony throughout the house. Even the batli-water gurgles happily as it runs away. ELEVATING He: "I look upon hiking as a tonic." She: "Yes, and a passing lorry as a pick-me-up, I suppose." NO TAOS Husband (annoyed): "Another newhat. Aren't you playing with our bU Vnfe": "Why, no, dear. You know we made a liberal allowance for overhead expenses." NEABLY HOME Bookmaker (at dinner): "Hey, this fish is off." Hotel .Manager (sniffing): Yes, sir, H certainly is on the turn." Bookmaker: "On the turn bo blowed; it's half way up the blinkin' straight." JAM ON IT Mother asked her six-year-old what loving-kindness meant. " Well," he said, " when I ask you for a piece of bread and butter and you give it to me, that's kindness, but. when you put jam on it that's loving-kind-ness. TO THE POINT The employer was leaving the office. He was instructing his new secretary what to say if anyone called while lie was out. "I may be back this afternoon," ho told her. "And then again I may not." The girl nodded. "Yes, sir," she said, thai definite." THE DECENT THING "What happened after you were thrown out of the side exit on your face?" "I told the waiter I belonged to a frerv important family." "So what?" , "He begged my pardon, asked me Sn again and threw mo out the front door I"

A new kind of unbreakable toy drum has been put on the market. Wo expect fathers to bo suitably grateful to us for this warning. Toast-master (to next after-dinner speaker): "Shall I call on you now, sir, or shall I let them enjoy themselves for a little longer?" Nothing is more annoying to a welldressed man than to find that his back stud lias become unfastened. His choler immediately rises. "Being a neutral nation requires delicacy of poise," says a writer. That is very true. It is not at all easj r to sit on a barbed-wire fence. "On a morning train to London one can always distinguish the really successful stockbrokers," says a writer. By the way they corner carriages, of course. "It would be a serious matter if tho canals of England were frozen over for any length of time," says a writer. What medical men call hardening of the arteries. Explaining how he had lost his new job the very first day, Pat said: "Sure, an' I was tould to punch a clock as I went in, an' how was I to know that it was the foreman's?" What is meant by well-trained children? That's easy. Well-trained children are youngsters who keep comparatively quiet in the evening while father is doing their home-work.

HEALTH REASONS Jones: "How'd this happen? The last time I was here you were running a fish market and now you've got a cheese shop." * Smith: "Yes. Well, you see, the doctor said I needed a change of air." URGENT Having overslept himself on his wedding morn, the bridegroom hastened to the station only to find that his train had gone. Half-frantic, he rushed into the post office and sent off the following tele--81 "Delayed. Don't marry till I come." SURE SIGN "Annie," said tho mistress to her pretty maid. "I notice your young man is here very often!" "Yes, mum," was the reply. "Do you think his intentions are serious." v , , , "I think so, mum; lies already begun to complain about my cooking. HANDICAPPED Witness: " I think- " Lawver: " We don't care what you think.'What we want to know is what you know." Witness 1 "If y°" don t want to know what I think, I may as well leave the witness-box. I can t talk without thinking. I'm not a lawyer.

Signs are not wanting that prosperity has returned to this country. Only tho other day a gorse lire was caused by a discarded cigar-end.

The average New Zealander can argue and work at the same time, says a Continental visitor. Business as usual during altercations. "Food should never be taken after you have been emotionally upset," says a doctor. That is why tho bill doesn't arrive till the meal is over. One of tho minor lawn tennis stars is said to bo keen on chess as a relaxation. It is untrue, however, that he leaps over the table after the winning move. "I'm prepared to back my motorcar against any other," boasts a motorist. Our sympathies are all with the person who parks immediately behind him. On three occasions recently in London, fog was responsible for political speakers arriving too late to address meetings. But fog also has its disadvantages, of course. "It is a good plan," declares a critic, "for budding authors to have their work read over to them by a friend." At the same time, he docs not guarantee that this will cure them. A coursing meeting in Essex had to be abandoned owing to the scarcity of hares- It is only fair to point out, however, that the hares had received no notice of tho meeting.

NO CHANCE They had reached the tee within sight of the club-house. "I should like to make a decent drive here," said the golfer to his fellow player; "that's my wife over there." "Don't be an ass, man," replied the other player. "She's two hundred yards away and you couldn't possibly hit her from l^ere." ONE BY ONE A Government official was in charge of a rural census and had_ instructed the old farmer to collect his stock of every description ' and have them branded. . " I s'pose that's all right," sighed the farmer, dolefully, " but honest, Mister, I believe I'm going to have a terrible time with them bees." ALL SHE KNEW "What kind of people are those who have just mo.ved in nex.t door to you? asked Mrs. Gadder. , . "Oh, I never talk about my neighbours," replied Mrs. Knowalot. "All I know about them is that their stuff came in one van, that ouly one of their bedsteads has any brass on it, most ot the furniture looks old, there's six in the family, the children are all boys, they have two dogs, the man is about twenty years older than the woman, they had a squabble with tho driver of tho' van when they settled with him, and their name is Smith."

No engagement can last —unless built on a precious stone foundation.

"I want to buy a toy train for my little boy." "Next floor, please, sir. Men's Hobbies!"

"Lionel asked me for a kiss!" "What cheek!" "Oh, I just let him chooso, and ho kissed both."

"There is a secret in opening oysters with a minimum of effort." Just assemble a dozen and yawn.

"The wooden-headed driver will never be ousted from the links," says a golfing writer. Nor from the roads.

Wo read that germs are less likely to attack a man with a beard. Even germs have to draw the line somewhere.

A contributor states that midgeplagues come in cycles. And of course they carry their own puncture outfits.

A suporstitious writer points out that casino gamblers often wear something turned inside-out. Even if it is only just their pockets.

In England old metal is still wanted for national purposes. So far, however, very few brass-hats have been found among tho scrap.

"Push will get a young man anywhere," declares Mr. Henry Ford. Has lie ever tried this system on a door with "Pull" on it?

Members of a golf club in Surrey are complaining that they are charged too much for a whisky-and-soda. Tlicy wish it to be understood, though, that they have nothing whatever against tho other eighteen holes. "Anything to declare?" asked the Customs official. "Nothing," was the reply. "Then what's the meaning of these cigars stuffed into your socks?" "Good heavens, and I always said I didn't believe in Santa Claus." In the opinion of an archaeologist, pieces of mended pottery now being unearthed in Palestine suggest that there were economic depressions in ancient times. Or that domestic sen-ants were much the earn© as they are now. SHE KNEW Husband: "Len' me a quid, old girl, to back that horse. We'll be in Easy Street. / Wife: "Aye! Sweepin' it." NECESSITY "Hi, what are you climbing through that window for?" "It's all right, constable. My wife has just cleaned the front doorstep." THE RIGHT KIND Flo: "Mv bov friend is ideal." Kit: "Why?" Flo: "He's cute enough to make piles of money and mug enough to spend it."

BRIGHT BRIDGE (Scene: Four golfers after a very good lunch at their golf club filling in the wet afternoon with a rubber of bridge.) First Golfer: " One no bid." Second Golfer: " Two no tricks!" Third Golfer: "Three blind mice!" Fourth Golfer (disgusted): Dash these modern conventions, I'm going home!" GENEROSITY The Scottish business chief called his oldest employee in. " Angus," he said, " we've had a good year and so I'm going to give you a cheque for fifty pounds." Sandy was most grateful. As he was leaving the room his employer said: " Yes, and if we have another good year next year, I'll sign it." PLAYING SAFE One night a farmer met a young man walking down a lane with a lantern, and asked him where he was going. " Courtin'," said the young man. " Courtin' with a lantern?" asked the farmer. " I never took a lantern when I went courtin'." -x. " Yeah." replied tho young man, " and look what you got." DUET . The famous organist put his hand on his chest, then bowed and announced: "I will now play the sonata 'Moonlight on the Pyramids.' " He put his fingers on tho keys. There was no sound! Presently the organ blower peeped round the organ and said in a stage whisper, "Say ' we ' will perform ' Moonlight on the Pyramids.' "