CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIV, Issue 22819, 28 August 1937, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

TJio trouble with a flatlet is thu you can't got it for a reutlet.

Yellow waistcoats for men arc to In fashionable. This is good news for careless egg-eaters.

" Trees and vegetables can catch cold," says a horticulturist. Hence the hoarse chestnut and radish.

'* A good cigar never burns the tongue," wo are told. Provided the right end is placed in the mouth.

"Political leaders nVe always welldressed," states a tailor's journal. The name of Gandhi springs to tlie mind.

Something should be done to abolish draughts in railway carriages, states a passenger. Also poker and the threecard trick.

"How can a father prevent his son going out with a particular girl?" asks a writer. Ono method is to go out with her himself

"New inventions make for laziness," observes a writer. We hear rumours of a new revolving glass globo for lackadaisical goldfish.

"Tho kilt still has its supporters north of tho Tweed," says a writer. .It must bo terribly embarrassing for Scotsmen elsewhere.

Butter, -coloured to look like jam, is said to be finding little favour with housewives. But what a glorious chance to fool tho wasps at a picnic I

Tho moro intensive cultivation by Italy of the castor-oil plant which is reported, is regarded as an indication of fears of discontent with Fascism.

In view of the present state of affairs in Europe it is rumoured that several uncivilised tribes aro seriously concerned for tho safety of their missionaries.

A stowaway on the Bercngaria escaped prosecution because ho worked so well 011 the voyage as a steward. His job was to help other people to stow away.

" One day tho much maligned woman-driver will unexpectedly turn," writes a motoring correspondent. Thus doing what all other drivers aro always expecting her to do.

We rend of an old lady living in London who is very keen 011 attending cricket matches. Her grandsons havo often got time off to attend her funeral and then run across her during luncheon interval.

QUEER BEHAVIOUR '"I'll pay cash for the house." "Hm-minl This is such an unusual procedure that I'll have to ask you for references " PATIENTLY WAITING "Is ho economical?" "Why, ho is so thrifty that he has postponed buying an atlas until world affairs arc more settled." . A GIFT 7 "Hey!" said Satan to the new arrival. "You act as if you owned this place." "I do. My wife cavo it to me." ANXIOUS TO COMMENT "What is that deaf-and-dumb carpenter so frantic about?" "He just hit his thumb with a hamI mer and ho can't find his pad and ! pencil." WORTH IT. Taxi-driver: "I'm afraid I seem to be" taking a long time trying to find the threepence change coming to you." Sandy: "All, weel, the night's still wee." IRRESISTIBLE Customer: "I've come back to buy the car 1. was looking at yesterday." Salesman: "Fine. Now tell 1110, what was the one dominating thing that made you decide to buy this ear?" Customer: " My wife.

"I like to seo plenty of beams in an old inn." says an architect. He will, too, if lie asks thoso present-what they arc going to have.

A writer on dietetics confesses that lie hasn't eaten a muffin for seven years. Ho denies, however, that ho is oil his crumpet as well.

An educationist suggests that scholars to-day have too much variety in their work and no real aim. Too many subjects and 110 object.

Confectionery % wo aro told by a chocolate manufacturer, goes back to the dawn of time. But wo doubt if

Adam and Evo ever thought of totfeeapples.

Hurley Street says that it is conducive to good health to sleep with the windows wide open. Progressive burglars have been advocating this for years.

French villagers beat an unpopular tax-collector with umbrellas and walk-ing-sticks. The gesture scenis to have been quite unanimous: they all clubbed together.

It does not look as if world peace will ever bo possiblo until we havo beaten our swords into ploughshares and our jazz band crooners into unconsciousness.

An official of tho Boyal Mint states that tho florin and tho half-crown arc about equal in popularity. Wo ourselves must confess u preference for the half-crown.

"More than three hundred tons of sugar aro wasted every year in tho bottom of tea-cups," says a statistician. This announcement is expected to causo a great stir in Aberdeen.

"Owing to the monotonous nature <sf their work, switchboard operators are apt to develop a blank expression," says a scientist. He means a sort of automatic dial.

There is nothing wrong with your goldfish, says an expert, if a lino of bubbles ascend from them to tho surface. Well-trained pets,. however, lean out of tho water to sneeze.

SURE SIGN , He: "I dreamt last night that I proposed to you. What is that a sign of?" She: "It's a sign that you've got more senso when you're asleep than when you're awake." v DIFFICULT "Hullo, Casey, havo ycz struck a job yit?" "Sluire, an' Oi've not. They won't givo a mon a job in this town until lie's worked here awhile." NON-PAYING GUESTS " What aro you raising in your garden this year?" " Johnson's Plymouth Rocks, Brown's Leghorns and Smith's Wyandottes." GOOD REASON " William," said severely, " there were two pieces of cake in the pantry when I went out, and there is only ono now. How is that?" _ " 1 don't know," said William. "But it was dark, and I suppose 1 didn't see tho other piece." NO DOUBT An actor appearing at a crowded seaside resort for a week had some difficulty iu securing accommodation. Jll the end he was forced to consider some very grubby diggings. He said to the landlady, "Are these sheets clean?" "Lor' bless you, yes, sir," replied the woman. "Tho last gentleman as 'ad" 'em took 'is swim rcg'lar every Friday. TO THE POINT Pat had received notice to quit from his landlord. Now, Pat was very fond of his house, and most unwilling to leave it. So ho took legal advice and was assured that according to his lease the landlord was not entitled to give him notice. Pleased as Punch, Pat went homo to write to tho landlord. This is tho letter lie sent: "Dear Sir, —I remain, Yours truly."

A now novel is entitled The Perfect Husband. The publishers point out as usual that no reference is intended to any living person. An old windmill in Suffolk is being offered for salo for £4O. A bargain, no doubt, but we have decided to stick to our electric-fan. A housemaid has complained in court that a policeman tried to put his arm round her waist three times. Tho loiik arm of the law was thus brought homo to her with a vengeance.

It was recently stated in court that a prisoner, on being arrested for burglary, said, "I frankly admit tho misdemeanour." We gather that what he meant was that lie done it.

Vegetables are grown on ono suburban railway station. These are scarlet runners in great profusion on the platform any morning when the 8.53 starts promptly to time.

A man lias played tho piano in Glasgow for six days without stopping. Which reminds mo that in some parts of Scotland it's possible to buy a piano on a week's free trial.

Goldfish arc said to be susceptible to changes of temperature. But very few people think of providing their pets with warm woollen bathing costumes in the cold weather.

ECONOMY A bandsman named Donald MacDougal Found ingenious ways to be frugal. Ho learned how to sneeze In the various keys— Thus saving the price of a buglol ACCOUNTS FOR IT A magazine writer says women control 70 per cent of family incomes. This statement puzzled us for a moment until it occurred to us that the remaining 30 per cent goes for taxes. A POSER A Frenchwoman learning English said to his tutor: " English is a queer language. What does this sentence mean: 'Should Mr. Noble, who sits for this constituency, consent to stand again, he will in all probability have a walk-over'?"

FURTHER ORDERS Boss: " What do you want?" Clerk: " May I use your 'phone? M.v wife told me to ask you for a salary increase, but she forgot to tell me how much." NO USE "Look here," said the doctor, "you're run down. Go and cheer yourself up at ono of those snappy musical comedies. It will take your mind off busine.-s." "That's just what it won't do," muttered the patient, t" 1 am an artificial leg manufacturer."