CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIV, Issue 22777, 10 July 1937, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

"I'm glad to hear Mary has married at last. Who is the happy man?" "Her father."

" A pretty girl is as good as a tonic," says a writer. And a chemist makes them both up.

I read that tap-drumming is very hard 011 tho wrists. It isn't bo easy on tho ears, cither.

A man told a magistrate that he left his wife because she was too good a marksman with a plate. She'll miss him now.

Nowadays money is regarded as the best evidence of success. And the Govern incut knows how to get tho best out of you.

According to a sporting writer, a definite knock-out will sometimes bring a boxer's career to a full stop. This is preceded by a coma.

It has been said that Lord Nuffield can manage with one hour's sleep at night. The radio fan next door seems to havo tho samo idea about me.

"Thero is little that cannot be learned by correspondence," wo read. This will not come as news to those who have figured in brcach-of-promiso cases.

A deep-sea diver says that after ho has been engaged on one job for some time the fish get to know liim. But we rather doubt his story that a friendly conger-eel writhed itself into tho perlegible word " welcome." A man, hearing his friend calling his wife "Pegasia," asked the reason. The husband explained that lie got it from Pegasus. Pegasus was, he said, an immortal horse; so be called his wife Pegasia as she was an eternal nagl A shepherd in the South Island has been seen motoring to a sale driving his sheep in front of him and controlling their movements with his motorhorn. Next, I suppose, some really up-to-date shepherd will fit a motor to his sheep-dog. A NEW EXCUSE Police Officer: "How did the accident Motorist: "My wife fell asleep in the back seat." DO COWS PLY? "That new farm-hand is terribly ignorant." ' "How's that?" . "He found some milk bottles in the grass and insisted he had found a cow's nest." NO NEED The minister was visiting one of his parishioners, and was talking to her small son. "And do vou say your prayers every night, Jimmy?" asked the clergyman. ''Not every night," blithely replied tho lad. "Some nights I don t want anything."

JUST DUMB A teacher was dealing with the meanings of familiar phrases. His pupils had been answering well until he came to "mumbo-jumbo." There was an awkward silence, which was broken at last by a boy calling out, "Mumbo-jumbo means a dumb elephant, sir." SHOW-DOWN "You look very downcast." "Yes, my wife has been away for six months." "Well?" "1 wrote to her every week and said I spent my evenings at home. She s back now, and the electric light bill has come in—it's lialf-a-crown! A SMALL MATTER The wireless dealer had just succeeded in soiling the most expensive all-wavo radio-gramophone in the shop, and was mentally spending the commission on the deal when his customer s voice brought him back to earth. "There's just ono littlo adjustment I'd like you to make," she said. "Yes, madam?" "We're not fitted with electricity, she told him, "so will you havo it converted, please, for gas.-'" JUST AS WELL A London coroner is telling the story of a death certificate which reached him recently. , , In the column reserved for cause of death" the doctor had signed his own name. , ~ ... , The coroner returned the certificate with a note which said: "1 his may be true, but don't you think wo had better havo Borne scientific reason us well!"

An aeroplane designer says that we should be able to fly at 800 miles an hour within five years. Then it will bo a caso of " in one hemisphere and out the other."

In future the fire brigade in a Devon village is to be summoned by the tolling of the parish church bell. This is thought to bo an improvement on the old method of sending a postcard.

A Hollywood company is said to be contemplating filming tho life of Mrs. Becton. Jt remains to be seen whether they will resist the temptation to introduce, Bacon, Lamb, and Browning.

A secret exit has been found built into the garden wall of an Elizabethan mansion. It seems that husbands had to seek a means of escape from the roller nnd the spado even in those times.

A correspondent points out that the new twelve-sided threepenny piece will not roll far if dropped. This advantage should bo particularly appreciated by careless Abcrdonians —if there arc any.

We rend that more nnd more boys are attending cookery classes. If this sort of thing goes on, future husbands will probably complain that tho cakes aren't nearly so good as tho ones they used to make at school.

A man who was rescued from a vat of beer into which he had fallen said that lie hadn't been at nil alarmed. It appears that years ago a fortuneteller had assured him that ho would not come to a watery grave.

EVERY MAN TO HIS TRADE Woman (looking at portrait): "But you've not made my husband look very intelligent." . . , Artist (looking at husband): "Madam, I'm an artist, not a plastic surgeon." ENCORE A Scotsman who had lost his way on the Alps was found by one 01 tlio ot. Bernard dogs. Ho helped himself to the flask ot liquor, patted the dog, a lid settling himself comfortably, said, and bring me the halo pack. PARADOX "Your son went to Cambridge. Didn't he go in for research work? Has ho made any discoveries?" "Onlv one so far as I know, ' said the father a little primly. 'He discovered what ho calls his scientific said the other; "and what docs that mean precisely?" "Just this," said tlio father: He succeeded in demonstrating that debts can bo expanded by contracting them. WHOOPEE! Two farmers decided on a trip to the big city they had never seen. Thev feasted their eyes on tlio wonders or the town and then entered a hotel. "We'd like to stay here for the night," said the elder. "Certainly, gentleman," greeted the clerk politely. "Would you like a room with a bath?" The elder farmer hesitated. "Go on. Oliver," urged his pal, bo a sport. Wo only live once!

After a recent football match, the home team prevented a hostile crowd from mobbing tho referee. They rightly considered that they wero entitled to have first go at him.

A woman who had summoned her husband for cruelty told the magistrates that ho had been thrashing her "off and on sinco tho Armistice." About time they signed a Peace Treaty?

Wo read that a hen belonging to an Essex farmer has been laying blue eggs. This is probably accounted for by the fact that tho bird has always had a brooding and gloomy disposition.

In a steamer serving a North of England port the following notice can bo seen: "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gents are requested not to use them till tho ladies are seated."

It seems that a South American millionaire lias erected an enormous aviary for the accommodation of one prize canary. Wo understand that what the bird sits on is one rod, polo or perch.

A tennis club, from which every form of snobbery and self-assertiveness is to be excluded, is being formed in a London suburb. It is understood, however, that the balls will be allowed to have a certain amount of bounce.

In a certain lonely Central Otago township not one of the children has ever been inside a cinema.. A traveller reports that it is very quaint to hear the little ones say: "Yes, sir," instead of "0.K., Big Shot!"

REAL OLD STUFF Mistress: "Be careful how you clean these pictures, Jane; they are all old masters." Maid: "Good gracious, ma'am, I didn't think you'd been married all those times I" RADIO FAN A mother and her little daughter hurried into church thinking they were bite. The organist, however, was stdl playing the voluntary. "It's all right, mummie, said the child, "it's only the signature tune." NO HURRY The inhabitants of a village, after a lot of trouble, had obtained a post office. It was situated in a general grocer's shop. But every day complaints about the non-arrival of letters came through to the grocer. At last he got exasperated, and, pointing to a corner, cried: "Look vou —there is the bag; it's not half full yet, an' I'm not sending it away until 1 have it filled. Just a waste of time, I say." THE DRAWBACK "Why won't you advertise?" asked the representative of a newspaper of a man in a small way of business in a small town. "Because I'm agin' advertism', the man answered. "But why are you against it?" "Jt don't leave a man no time," was the reply. "I advertised wunst last summer and the consequence wuz I wuz so busy I didn't have no time to go fishing'the whole season."

A misogjmist is a man "who dislikes women almost as much as they dislike each other.

A girl went to a fancy dress party as Influenza. In Blind Man's Buff somebody cauglit her.

"They're burying poor old Joe tomorrow. "What, is ho dead?" "Well, they seem to think so."

A writer says that a woman dentist is much more gentle than a man. Cue for song: " Kind, kind and dental is she. ..."

Wife (to neighbour): "Would you mind turning down your wireless a little lower—l can't hear my husband talking in his sleep."

Smash-and-grab raids, says a chief constable, are becoming less frequent. This, of course, may be due to the increased price of bricks.

A writer says that the Two-Party Political System is spreading throughout the world. Quito so, and they aro the Dictators and tho Spectators.

Mrs. Newlywcd: "I'm sorry, dear, but dinner is a little burnt to-night." Mr. Newlywed: "What! Did they have a fire at tho delicatessen to-day?"

Too much hustle, says a doctor, is the cause of much ill-health. We'll wager that horse wo backed in ihe 3.30 yesterday enjoys tho rudest of health.

A doctor says that one of the finest things for young people is (jetting up with the lark. The trouble is that so many of them keep tho lark up all night.

In the opinion of an essayist, auto-graph-hunters are quite as boastful as anglers. Wo can imagine them cornering acquaintances and giving them graphic accounts of the celebrities who only just managed to get away.

At Northampton, several sheep entered an income tax office. Members of the staff heard the bleating, but thought it was merely tax-payers telling each other their troubles while awaiting their turn to bo fleeced.

Many people, we are told, possess unsuspected hypnotic powers. A correspondent tells us that he first discovered that he had this gift when his wife dreamily agreed with him that she didn't really need a new winter outfit.

One British M.P. is reputed to be a bit of a contortionist, doubt this enables him to keep his nose to the grindstone, his finger on the public pulse, his shoulder to the wheel, and his hand firmly on the tiller all at the same time.

BURIED GOLD Dentist (drilling away): "Why, this tooth has gold in it! I didn't know it had been filled." Patient: "It hasn't. That's my back collarstud you've struck." RHYME AND REASON When he got home at 2 a.m. He loudly banged the door, No creeping lip the stairs for him, He stamped across the floor; He wasn't scared, like you or me, He was a bach-e-lor. SUSPICION Movie Star: "And so this is the homo of your ancestors?" Bri d egroo m: " Y cs, dea res t." "Well, it looks durned familiar to me. Are you quite sure I haven't been married to you before?"

TWINS A composer standing outside his club was accosted by a man who said: "Beg pardon, sir, but do you know a gentleman, a member of this club, with one eve called Matthew?" "Can't sav 1 do," was the reply. "What's the" name of his other eye?' FALLING LEAF "And then," said the man in the witness-box, "my wifo hit mo with an oak leaf." , ~ "Well, that couldn't have hurt you, remarked the magistrate. "Oh, yes, it did. sir. It was from the centre of our dining-room table/ QUITS The irate customer marched into the clothing shop. . "What kind of a business do you carrv on here?" ho demanded. "What do you mean?" countered the proprietor. "What is wrong?" "What's wrong?" howled the customer. "I bought a grey suit here and it didn't even lust mo two months." "Is that so?" returned the _ proprietor. "Well, how about the you paid for that suit? it didn't even last me two days." INFORMATION WANTED The village fire engine was careering toward a small hamlet. Suddenly <i hcl'ty housewife left a group of iier cronies and, dashing into the middle of the road, waved her arms frantically in front of the oncoming engine. The driver pulled up with a jerk. "Whero's the lire?" ho shouted. "Well, that takes the cake!" retorted the woman. "That's what we all want to knew I"