CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIV, Issue 22628, 16 January 1937, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

A man who gives in when he's wrong is wise. A man who gives in when he's right is married.

It you drop spoons, it means that visitors are coming. If you miss them, the visitors have gone.

A Danish shepherd has found thirteen adders in his bed. Being superstitious, he searched carefully for a fourteenth.

If tho barometer falls suddenly, isn't that a sign it's stormy?" asks a reader. Either that or the nail's come out.

A friend tells me that he rides a horse as if he were part of it. Ho does —as if he were a part that the horse didn't want.

The way to prevent a guest from spending an hour in tho bathtub while you are waiting to shave is to put tacks in tho bath salts.

A naturalist claims to have discovered a green-and-pink worm. lvirl\ birds are said to be signing tho pledge in increasing, numbers.

A Frenchman in London was surprised to be thanked when lie bought a stamp. An Englishman would have been absolutely staggered.

"I do not like to see wool being worn next to the skin in the very hot weather," says a physician. Sheep are often irritated by the same thing.

A shoe manufacturer says that his vhole staff is working on dancing shoes in preparation for the winter season. All hands to the pumps.

At a village cricket match a batsman put three successive balls into the belli \ of the church —which probably put three successive bats into the bcltrj of the bowler.

South African ostrich farmers claim to have been the originators of hiking. We believe wo are on the brink of discovering why ostriches bury their heads in the sand.

\sked for a sentence with the word "tension" in it, a little girl wrote the following: "I'm so small that when 1 go into a shop I have difficulty in getting tension."

A writer asks what can bo worse than the picnicker who leaves empty bottles behind when ho goes home. The picnicker who leaves full ones behind when ho comes out.

A correspondent tells us that ho was out with his family in the car when the hooter refused to work. And his wife got more and more indignant each time he pinched tho baby to sound a shrill warning at cross-roads.

" 'OO'S 'OWL?" "Wot's that noise?" demanded Mr. Newrieh, one evening, of the butler at liis newly acquired country mansion. "Only an owl, sir," was the reply. ''Yes, I know it's an 'owl, but wot 1 wants to know is, 'oo's 'owling?'* ( HE KNEW "Tommy, your manners are dreadful. .You're a regular little pig at the table." Silence from and father added: "You know what a pig is, don't you?" "Yes, dad," answered Tommy, meekly, "It's a hog's little boy." CERTAINLY NOT Five-year-old Billy was being urged hy his mother to take medicine. "It's to do you good, Billy (le.ar, and God wishes you to take it." "I don't believe He does, mother. I 11 ask Him." 'l'hc youngster buried his head under the bedclothes, and thence a, hoarse voice was heard saying: "No, certainly not." SLEEPLESS NIGHTS The Negress was applying for a separation order from her husband. "He done said that one night he II do me in," she protested. "He has a. razor under his pillow; and Ah has a hammer under mine. Well, Ah (loan mind that. Ah guess it s the give-and-take of married life. But yo' nee how it is, suli. Neither of us doau get no sleep." FIRST AID

A bov, sitting next to his mothei-in church.* said that lie felt unwell. lblnother told the boy to slip out *hik the next hymn was being sung. Hits In did, but returned. "Why did you not go home, asked the boy's mother. "I was going," was the reply, but on niv way out, I saw a box labelled, 'For the sick.' " AN " AIRLOOM " ,A policy-holder had died, and an inspector called on liis widow witil the cheque, lie was a generously proportioned man, and when lie sat down on the chair she indicated, he burst an air-cushion on it. The widow, to his concern, gave to a flood of tears; nor was she to he comforted by his offer to replace the cushion. "A new one will never be the same," sobbed. "My poor, dear husband .blew that up with practically his last

"Did you read about that fellow who boat his wife with n golf club?" "No, how many strokes?"

"There seems to bo nothing left nowadays to explore," remarks a writer. Every avenue is already overcrowded.

"Cocktails do not make good daughters," \ observes a cleric. And the reverse is often lamentably true as well.

The Australians believe they have another Bradman in a young cricketer called Pepper. He must bo pretty hot stuff 1

The other week a judge.told a woman witness to talk just as if she were at homo, it is understood that the case is still proceeding.

A traveller remarks that it is not much uso visiting South America without plenty of money. Absconders have always recognised this.

Two cyclists are tiding round the world on half-a-crown. In the old days of course this could have been done on a penny-farthing.

A psychologist declares that a welllighted, neatly-arranged bedroom reveals tbc woman of system. The remedy is of course to pull down the blinds.

A producer says that the public is tired of medieval eostumo films and wants smart modern comedies. He's going to cut out the ruff stuff.

GOOD OLD DAYS Father: "Why don't you find a job? When 1 was your ago 1 was working for £1 a week in a shop, and at the end of live years I owned the shop." Young Joe: "You can't do that nowadays, Dad. They have cash registers." WELL ANSWERED Mother (to small daughter who has returned from tea with friends): "1 hope you said 'No thank you,' oftcner than 'Yes, thank you.' " Little Mary: "Yes, 1 did. 1 hadn't been eating more than half an hour before they began saying, 'Don't you think you've eaten enough?' And I said 'Xo thauk you,' every tioie." GOOD RIDDANCE The landlord of the village inn was giving tho barmaid a piece of his mind. "You tell mo you gr*ve that man four double whiskies, and chalked them on the slate? Don't you know that if you trust a man for drinks, ho never comes back?" "Yes, sir; that's why I did it. He's the collector for the instalments on your new wireless set." STARTING YOUNG 1 he wealthy estate agent had given his little girl a splendidly equipped doll's house. (,)n his return after a week's absence, ho asked her how she liked it. "It's very nice. Daddy." "■But where is it?" he inquired, not seeing it anywhere around the nursery. "Oh, I let it furnished, to cousin Betty for a shilling a week." NOT THE ONLY ONES A pilot took up a passenger in his aeroplane and did s&me stunts. In one of them ho nearly came to grief. As he righted his machine, he said to his companion: "Now, ] bet that fifty per cent of those people below thought we should be killed." "Yes," said the passenger, "and fifty per cent of tho folks up' here thought so, too." FOREIGN FARE Two Tommies went into a restaurant in Silesia and said to the waiter: "We want Turkey and Greece." "Sorry, sirs," replied the waiter, "but we cannot Servia. "Well, then, get the Bosphorus." The boss entered, and, hearing their order said: "I don't want to Ilussia, but you cannot Rumania." So tho Tommies had to depart Hungary. GOOD ADVICE The M.P.'s son came to his father and confided in him that lie, too, wished to become a politician. His father, not wishing the boy to enter his new career unprepared, offered him some good advice. "My boy," lie said, "two things are necessary if you are to succeed in politics —honesty and sagacity." "And what exactly is honesty?" asked the lad. "Honesty means that always, no matter what happens, however adversely it may affect you, you keep your word once you have given it." "And sagacity, father?" "Never give your word, my son."

"Bank clerk's plav," announces a heading. Wo trust that the characters aren't seriously overdrawn.

"We arc taller in the morning than at night." says a doctor. Yes, and we're always short the day bo tore pay day.

A forty-foot chimney in Dublin is to be cleaned at a cost of ,£(>•">. 'They'll send, of course, lor the 15ig Irish Sweep.

There's a mountaineering touch about women's hats nowadays, says a fashion writer. I've noticed the price is pretty steep.

Wo really have no sympathy for the road-hog w ho complained after an accident that he was dazzled by the glare of the pedestrians.

"There is good money to be made out of stained-glass windows," says a designer. Particularly if you happen to be a window-cleaner.

Many would-be visitors to London are being kept away by the rumour that in the luxury hotels even the cigarettes are tipped with gold

A young American author has written three novels, tho lirst two of which were banned. His friends fear ho must be losing his indelicate touch.

Why is it that when a radio comedian is good we're always out; and when he's bad there's always someone in the family who's just got to listen?

"Kven if a man is a good-tempered sfirt of chap," says a J.l\, "it is only human nature for him to want to June his own back." Unless, of course, he has lumbago. "It is unhealthy to liek tho gummed side of a postage stamp," announces a doctor. It takes longer, however, to lick the other side and wait till it works t)i rough. "The Government arc. now so accustomed to adverse criticism that they are able to meet it with equanimity," asserts a writer, lint not of course, with resignation. Accidentally locked in a city office, a boy threw a pocket dictionary through the window to attract attention, but it merely landed on a roof. Words seem to have failed him.

"No youth can hope to be muscular unless he goes in for physical culture," declares a sports writer. Unless, of course, he takes up amateur photography and develops himself.

A mechanic has just invented a motor-car that will stop without having to apply a brake. .Maybe he is going to follow that up by producing a tyre that will go Hat without the bother of puncturing it.

Evidence has come to light that the dachshund originated in that part of Germany which was once under Roman rule. It would remove the possibility of a grievance, if Herr Hitler were to cede half the dog to Italy.'

"Now, Mary, what liavo you got in your mouth ?" "Chewing gum, miss." "Throw it in the basket at once! " "1 can't, miss. It's only lent till one o'clock. It's my sister's!"

"NVliy do many advertisers leave so much blank space in their displays:' asks a reader. 'I lie idea is, Ave believe, that the pictures are for those who won't read, and the blank spaces are for those who won't even look. SHE KNEW As the hikers watched a girl milking a cow. a bull rushed bellowing toward them from the far end of the field, The hikers ran for the nearest gate, but the girl calmly went on with her work. Five yards away from the girl the bull came to a sudden halt, turned round, and raced away even faster. When the astonished hikers reassembled, the girl explained, "1 knew the bull wouldn't come any nearer. The cow I'm milking is his mother-in-law."

OFF THE SCENT A littlo boy who went to school for the first time had returned home and his father inquired how he liked it. "It's all right, but they ask too many questions," said tho lad. "First they asked me where you were horn and I told them. Then they asked me where mother was born and 1 told them. But when they asked me where I was born 1 had to tell a lie." ' "Why?" asked his father. "I didn't want to say I was born in the Women's Hospital and have them think I was a sissy, so I told theni it was in the Wembley Stadium."