CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22444, 13 June 1936, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Dresses that make somo women look slim make other women look round.

It is said that boxers usually make good business men. They certainly know how to clinch a good deal.

"He called mo a liar, and, big as he js, I knocked him flat." "With your fist?" "No, with my car."

"Last night I dreamed 1 married tho most beautiful girl in tho world." "Wcro wo liappy, darling?"

Defined: A jury is a body of men brought together to decido which side has the smartest lawyer.

A writer, says that wrestling is an excellent aid to health. A grapple a day keeps the doctor away.

Irish Headmaster (to visitor) : "Yes. You will see many new faces toeing the line in the quarter-mile."

A centenarian says that his secret of longevity is eating onions. But it must have been difficult to keep secret.

"What is a good way to guard against petrol igniting?" asks a correspondent. Put it in a cigarette lighter.

"It is a difficult position when a girl falls in love with a scoundrel." says a writer. She is naturally reluctant to drop a bad egg.

There wds once a man who offered to pay for his mother-in-law's operation. He heard the surgeon had a reputation as a lady-killer.

JOINT PROPERTY Freshman: " Say, what's tho idea of wearing my raincoat?" Roommate: " Well, you wouldn't want our new suit to get wet, would you?" OBVIOUS " That fellow must live in a. very small flat." " How can you tell?" " Why, haven't you noticed that his dog wags his tail up and down, instead of sideways?" A GAMBLE " Our minister is so strict ho won't even perform a marriage ceremony." " Good heavens 1 What's that got to flo with his morals?" " He says his conscience won't permit him to> participate in any game of chance." OVERCROWDING Two men were strolling through a cemetery. On a headstone was written " Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man." One of the men became thoughtful. " What's wrong?" said his friend. " I was wondering why they put those two fellows in the same grave." MIGHT BE DISILLUSIONED " I want to see your beauty editor," said the caller at the sanctum of a popular magazine." Are vou following her advice?" " I am'." / " Got confidence in it?" 44 I have." " Then you don't want to see her."

Half-minutes in Hollywood: "You're tlip most exasperating man I've over married."

A gardener claims to bo ahlo to grow square peas. Their great advantage is they do not roll off the knife.

Tho man who makes mountains out of molehills, Honrv, is not necessarily .1 pessimist; lie may be the owner of a second-hand car.

Wo read that a London barber has over 200 regular customers. Tho secret of his success is that, during working hours, ho is deft as well as dumb.

A new baby ear is claimed to bo practically silent. Wo understand, however, that if picked np and held close to the ear the engine can bo heard ticking.

INS AND OUTS Patient: "Is the dentist in? I want to make an appointment." Maid: " He's out." Patient: "Good! When will ho be out again?" KIND DEED "Madam," said the tramp, "I onco had a wife and fam'ly of my own—but I couldn't be contented. I growled and grumbled at everything—and finally I left home." "Well, hero's a chicken sandwich for you," said tho housewife. "Mighty few husbands are as considerate as that." GALLANT "Thank you so much," said a woman to a labouring man who had given her his seat in a tram. "That was very kind of you." "Not at all, ma'am," protested the man. "I know some men don't give up their seats to anyone except pretty girls, but looks don't make any difference to me." THE TRUTH A farmer who was a witness in a pigstealing case seemed to be stretching a point or two in favour of the accused. "Do you know the nature of an oath?" " tho prosecuting attorney roared. "Sure." "Do you know you are not to bear false witness against your neighbour?" "I'm not bearin' false witness against him. I'm bearin' false witness for him."

A doctor says that singing increases the blood-pressure. He doesn't say whose.

One London street contains 21 public houses. This is, of course, 011 the blind side of the road.

According to a market gardener, peas are the most popular vegetable. Beans, however, are good runners-up.

One never knows how a son is going to turn out nowadays. No, nor when a daughter is going to turn in.

An historian says women used makoup in tho Middle Ages. They still uso make-up in tho middlo ages.

And then there was tho composer whose girl returned him his ring. And didn't ho make a song about itl

A champion boxer says ho is going to give up fighting when 110 gets married. This is just tho timo many people start.

Two fishermen found adrift in an open boat had half a loaf and three bottles of whisky. It is not known what they meant to do with all the bread.

"Will pedestrians have to dodge traffic in the nex.t world?" asks a writer. Needs must jvhero tho devil drives.

"How to Prevent Wireless Fading" is tho title of an article in a contemporary. One method is to keep up tho instalments.

An 80-vear-old farmer, wo read, regularly attends raco meetings and has never been seen wearing an overcoat. The great thing, though, is to avoid coming back without a shirt.

ON THE BEACH According to your figure, As you go down to dip, You look a perfect picture Or else a comic strip. THEN THEY'LL CALL "Tliis town is so unsociable; I have lived hero six months and had no callers." "My dear, you tidy your house and dress too early in the day. Just try leaving morning papers about, leaving your nose unpowdered, and wearing an old house dresa and stockings with ladders in them I"

It is all wrong; to say that women cannot take a joke. Look at tho men some of them marry.

A man declared in court that his wife treated him like a lodger. Somo husbands, of course, are not so lucky.

In parts of Hungary farm labourers are paid in vegetables. Occasionally a workman will ask for an increaso in his celery.

From Sail to Salo: A retired sea captain has become a family wine merchant. His now motto is, "A port in .every wife."

"Silk stockings should always bo of lino quality, but never, never loud." declares a dress expert. They should bo sheen, but not heard.

A scientist says that prehistoric men had gardens. And doubtless there were daredevils who constructed magnificent rockeries from income-tax demand notes.

"Tho sufferer from corns generally becomes peevish, when anyone refers to the subject," says a doctor. The best plan is to keep olf them altogether.

Jocause tho man in charge at an ]riih fair couldn't stop tho roundabouts several passengers were carried rouul and round for nearly three hours. It is thought that this establishes a whrlcd record.

THE UNEXPECTED ' I turned tho way I signalled," said the lady indignantly, after the crash. ' f know it," retorted tho man. " That's what fooled mo." DISCREET listrcss (to new maid): " Now, Noah, when .you wait on tho guests at litiner, please don't spill anything." Jorah: " No, ma'am, I won't say a wod." THE REAL NEED lager Playwright: " I wish I could tluk of a play to fill tho audience with ters." 'heatre Manager: " I wish you could thik of ono to fill tho tiers with auienco." THERE'S A DIFFERENCE ' Dad, what is a traitor in politics?" ' A traitor, my son, is a man who loves our party and goes over to the ofcr side." ' Well, then, what is a man who lives his party and comes over to ytir side?" A convert, my boy." ! POLITE RETORT A young man was escorting his latest *ung lady out of the theatre. Anxious i make a good impression on her, ho Jld his hat in his hand, carrying it Irefully upright to keep it from being flushed. ' . One of the onlookers, who was watchjig the outflow, spotted tho hat and liized on tho chance to bo waggish. 'Hey," he shouted, "are you going to fike up a collection?" I Tho young man looked around a Icond before he realised that he was ,io one addressed. "Why, no," ho fiswered softly, "not if you and your fgan-grinder were here first."