CURRENT HUMOURD

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22402, 24 April 1936, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOURD

Half a slice is better than no golf. "Aro we playing for money?" "No." '''Then five no trumps I" Housemaid's Complaint: Dust one darned thing after another 1 "Pursing" Her Lips: An actress sold kisses for a guinea a time at a recent bazaar. The poet must use imagination, says a critic. Quite so. First of all, be must imagine somebody is going to read his poems. ' • ' In a circus in the United States there js a man who can twist his head right round to the back. This sounds like Nature's reply to the speed-liog. An architect says that we should have a new type of lamp-post. Many revellers, however, are quite content to cling to the old-fashioned sort. "Man has always quarrelled with his food," declares a woman novelist. It is only fair to point out. though, that tho food often starts the quarrel by disagreeing with the man. A motorist named Little, who admitted that it was only his second attempt to drive a car, was charged in an' American Court with knocking down three garden fences and a lamp-post. A Little learning is a dangerous thing. ' SAY WHEN Fat Man (in cinema, to little boy sitting behind him): "Can't you see, little fellow?" Little Fellow: "Not a thing." Fat Man: "Then keep your eye on me and laugh when 1 do." CERTAIN LOSS He eyed incredulously the pile of accumulated razor blades. "I wish I could lose these old blades," he said to his wife. " H'm." returned the wife sarcastically. " Why. not tie them to your collar stud at night?" HANDICAPPED "Did you ever win an argument with your wife?" "Yes, once. It was years ago." "What was it about?" "I carinot remember exactly. But 1 do remember very distinctly that we were laying carpets and her mouth was 'full of tin-tacks at the time." NOT SINKING The scene is a bus stop outside a large works. A bus draws up and from amidst the scrummage a woman's voice is heard to exclaim, " I always thought it was women first." Diminutive engineer, who is finding it a hard job to slip in: Whit dae ye think this is, missus, a shipwrecks POOR EFFORTS "Have'you any references?" inquired the lady *of the house. "Yes, mum, lots of 'em," answered the prospective maid. "Then why did you not bring them W "Wel°, U mum, to toil the truth, they're just loike me photygraphs. None of them- don't do me justice.

Where singleness is bliss 'tis folly to bo wives. Love mnkcs the world go round. Marriage makes it go flat. Boxer: A chap who has to stand up for tho other fellow's rights. An enterprising taxi-driver has installed a barometer in his taxi-cab. Wo suppose it indicates " no change." "Not many years ago," wo are told, "lectures and concerts in prisons were unknown." Still, the inmates probably ha-d a hard time of it in other ways. "Your keen golfer will movo bc-aven and earth to improve his play," says a writer. Tho club secretary sees to it, of course, that lio replaces tho earth.

LISTENING IN "Remember," said the mistress to her new maicl, "I expect you to be very reticent about what you hear when you are waiting at table." " Certainly, ma'am," replied Mary. Then, hopefully: " May I ask, will there be much to be reticent about?" " SAVE ME I" "Do you mind if I hide in your room ? My artist friend is drunk and he insists on giving me his autograph." "Oh, do you object to autographs from artists?" "Not ordinarily; but this fellow's a tattoo artist." ECONOMY Maid (to spring-cleaning mistress): "There are half a dozen men downstairs with vacuum-cleaners. They say they have appointments to give demonstrations." ■ Mistress: "Yes, I sent for them. Put them in different rooms and tell them to get busy." BAD LOT The pastor of a thriving Negro congregation down in the deep South was speakinc to one of his flock. "Brudder," he said, "I hoars very bad reports about your youngest son. Dat boy don't seem to do you much ""Credit?" rejoined the member of the flock. "Huh! You puts it mildly! Brudder Johnsing, strickly betwixt oursclfs, we regards him as de white sheep ob de fambly!"

"What can one do to prevent a party falling Hat?" asks a hostess. Tie him to his chair. The trouble about thoso French Governments is that they seem to como in one year and out tho other. Q. —Which eyo is tho easier to wink with? A. —Tho one farthest from your wife. "Your husband is a very wide-awake man, Mrs. Smith." "Yes, and the worst of it is tho twins take aftor him." A South Island skating-rink is to be converted into a cinema. The management claim that it will seat as many patrons as formerly. Tho motorist who blows his horn Behind a man who's stalled Is impatient . . .(In addition to the other things lie's called!) A traveller confessed to a customs official tho other day that he had twelve yards of silk wound round him underneath his shirt. Ho evidently wanted to get it off his chest. A traveller states that by far the toughest thing ho ever ate was the solo of his boot. Up to tho moment of going to press, no boarding-house proprietress has accepted the challenge. A savage bull invaded a country golf course. A player who heard the fierce bellowing behind him remarked to his opponent, " Colonel —seems to have a liver this morning. Perhaps we'd better let him through." . . and if I were to die to-morrow I don't suppose you'd ever visit my grave." " Of course I would. I could go the short cut through the cemetery to the golf course."

MAKES A DIFFERENCE Passenger: "Have I time to say good-bye to my wife?" Ship's Officer: "I don't know, sir; how long have you been married?" MORE TO THE POINT Employer (to applicant who has handed in testimonials from three clergymen): "We don't work on Sundays. Haven't you a reference from someone who sees you on week-days r

Recently a shower of frogs was reported from a town in Spain. Over liere, of course, it merely rains cats and dogs. . Tho fact that Tutankhamen is in the news again reminds us that he was tho first Egyptian king to bccomo a hero to his valley. A woman should allow her husband as much freedom as ho wants, and take him as she finds him. That's if she can find him. Hollywood Hilarity: "So you want to divorce my daughter?" "Yes, sir." "Can you pay her the alimony she's accustomed to getting?" It was recently admitted by a -wellknown comedian that an attractive girl of 20 writes all his jokes. Now wo understand what the critics mean when they say ho has a pretty wit. In a letter to a contemporary a correspondent complains of rasping sounds in his radio. Could it be—but no I Even if an announcer did rub his chin reflectively it would, of course, be immaculately shaven. An oven has been invented that cooks the food without supervision and rings a bell when it is ready. Another advantage is that it doesn't start muttering about packing a trunk when reprimanded for gossiping at the door with the butcher's man. SECRET First Clork: "Havo you and your boss ever had any differences of opinion ?" Second Clerk: "Yes, but he doe.yi t know it I" * CHIVALROUS Two men were seated in a crowded tramcar. One, noticing that the other had his eyes closed, said: "Bill, are yer feeling ill?" "I'm all right," said Bill, "but I do 'ate to seo ladies standing." TWO OF THEM Guest. "Only once in history has the personality of a great singer inspired a great chef in the naming of a masterpiece—when we got tho Pouch Mclba. Flapper: "Oh, but I'm sure you re wrong there. What about tho Oyster Patti?" new owner He took her hand in his and gazed proudly at tho engagement ring ho had placed on her finger only three days before. "Did your friends admire it?" he inquired, tenderly. "They did more than that," she replied. "Two of them recognised it!" IMPROBABLE Smith had been pestered by his small son asking questions. Ono evening, as he sat down to a quiet perusal of his paper, a small voice piped, Dad, am I made of dust?" "I think not," said the father: I "otherwise you would dry up now and | then."