CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22356, 29 February 1936, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

"Needlework for Insomnia": And sew to bed!

" I got an awful fright at my wedding. . . ." " Well, you chose her, didn't you?"

Overdoing it: The woman who said that her new flat was so tinj' that she had to use condensed milk.

All kinds of rocial knowledge and graces are useful, but one of the best is to be able to yawn with your mouth closed.

It is reported that Russia has finally decided to pay workers according to their ability. Fortunately for most of us we are not Russians.

PROBLEM In the seethe of Leap Year fancies This one rises to the top— Docs a girl who pops tho question Have to go and question pop? NO CHANCE " Coo, don't you ever have a day off for your grandmother's funeral?" asked the first office boy. Young George grimaced. " Day off," he sniffed. " What a 'ope, with me working for the blooming Registrar of Births and Deaths!" * SMALL SIZE Helen: " I'm terribly afraid the ring Sandy is buying me will be tho wrgng fit." Maud: " Isn't he huving one to fit the size of your finger?" " No; to fit the size of his purse." SAVING TROUBLE Mr. Parrott wanted the picture hung to the right of the mirror; Mrs. Parrott wanted it hung to the left. For once he proved tho victor, and Joseph, the caretaker, was summoned to hang the picture according to his orders. Obediently Joseph drove in a nail on tho right, as directed This done, he also drove one in the wall on tho left.

" What is the second nail for?" Mr. Parrott demanded. "It's to save me the trouble of fetching the ladder to-morrow when you come round to the missus's way of thinking," said Joseph.

A Genius: The man whose sins never find him out, and whose creditors never find him in.

The British Air Ministry files details of every aeroplane accident. A sort of crash register.

A celebrated firm uses old Latin as a business code. It must be Greek to their competitors.

We are told that every man reaps just what he sows. Unless, of course, lie is an amateur gardener.

"Pedestrians are prone to be careless," says a coroner. And if they are careless they are certainly likely to be prone.

Scientists believe that the world has fifty million more years ahead of it. This must be encouraging to people who aro buying things on tho instalment plan.

A Chicago man whose wife deserted him thirty-seven years ago has filed a petition for divorce. Probably on the ground that it doesn't look as if she is coming back.

DOG'S LIFE

A London woman keeps thirty dogs in her house. Her friends wished her a yappy new year. HE LEARNT! " Have you ever had a lesson by correspondence?" " You bet; but I never write to women now." PREFACE "What a long letter you have there." "Yes, sixteen pages from Ailcen." "What docs she snv?" "That she will tell me tho news when she sees me." FAITHFUL STILL Minister: " I haven't scon you at the church lately." Saudv: " Dinna worry aboot that, sir. You havena lost ma custom. I dinna go onywhere else." THE SILVER LINING An old farmer was moodily regarding the ravages of the flood. " Silas," yelled a neighbour, " your pigs wore all washed down the creek." " How about Flaherty's pigs?" asked the farmer. " They're gone, too." " And Larson's?" " Yes." "Humph!" ejaculated the farmer, cheering up. " 'Taint as bad as I thought." DOCKED In the depth of a London fog the safety first motorist felt that the only certain method of keeping on the right road was to allow the tram track. He did so successfully for a long time, but suddenly found himself in the middle of a traffic block of bewildering complexity. There were stationary trains all around him. At last, after a long wait, ho jumped out of his car to investigate. Ho was in the tram depot..

The modern motor-car contains every modern innovation except a little gadget to keep the wolf from the garage door.

' Another example of wasted effort is the love-sick swain who writes poems to his fiancee's eyebrows whilo she is at homo plucking them out.

Two members of a "Superstition Club " were recently married. We understand they left the church under an archway of crossed fingers.

A new hard-wearing cloth invented by a German is said to be treated with metal. Can't you imagine Scottish bagpipers wearing corrugated iron kilts!

Before a recent heavyweight fight, one of the boxers objected to the colour of the shoes worn by his opponent. And, as the fight went on, he took a dislike to the fellow's socks, too.

To show the authorities how much he was to be feared, an American gunman waylaid a wealthy heiress and robbed her of a pearl necklace. He held her up as an example, so to speak.

TACTICS There was a young wife named Rowena, Who put on a haggard demeanour, Thus showing her spouso That the work of the house Demanded a vacuum-cleaner. GOOD REASON The members of a village fishing club were quick to notice that since Brown had married he seemed disinclined to tell his many fishing experiences, which he used to demonstrate with his hands. At a social gathering, one member asked Brown whether he had forgotten all about the yard and a-half trout he once landed. " No," murmured Brown. " 1 remember; but I'vo given up telling fishing stories." "Why?" asked another member, eager to solve the mystery. " Well," explained Brown, gloomily, " every time I started to tell one at home my wife gave me some v wool to hold,"

Smash and grab raiders threw a brick wrapped in felt through a jeweller's shop window. The campaign to lessen street noises is evidently having its effect.

A magistrate says that middle-aged women drivers offend the least under the speed limit laws. But then they've had years of experience at keeping under thirty.

"It is our extremities that feel the cold first, and care should be taken to protect them," says a medical writer. But most men would look pretty silly wearing natty nose-cosies.

" Contrary to the general belief, an Eskimo's life is far from dull," says a traveller. Although a hectic evening at a night club must begin to pall after the third or fourth month of it.

A bomb was found behind the scenes in a South American theatre. One theory is that it belonged to a comedian who had been getting so little applause that he had made up his mind to raise the roof somehow.

A Glasgow man rendered temporarily deaf learned the art of lip-reading in two days. By the end of the first lesson he could read simple phrases , like " What's yours?" at a range of ten yards.

HER REASON Magistrate: " Why did you throw a hot fiat-iron at vour husband?" Mi •s. Casey: " Well, your honour, one of my motters has always been 'Strike while the iron is hot' 1" THAT'S ALL! Father: " What do you want nowP Haven't I just set up your husband in business?" Daughter:" Yes, but Harry wants you to buy him out!" IT ALWAYS HAPPENS " Do you think it possible to meet all one's friends at one time?" asked Flora. " Certainly," replied Dora. " Just go out in your oldest frock and hat, with a run in both stockings 1 and your nose unpowdered. You'll meet them all,"

WITH MUSIC He was a good barber, but his schooljug had been neglected. On the wall of his shop was a card bearing the words: " Haircutting, 6d. Singing, 3d." When young Witting, commercial traveller, drifted in, he spotted"the misspelt card, and: " Short at the back and round the ears, please," ho said, seating himself in the chair, " and you can give me a verse and chorus of ' When I Grow Too Old to Dream!' " DISCRETION The passer-by stopped and looked at the man struggling vainly with his broken-down car. "Excuse me," said the stranger, " but perhaps I can help you. There are one or two things I can tell you about j-our make of car." The owner straightened himself ana looked at the other. ~ " Please keep them to yourself, oid chap," lie remarked, warningly, with a fiance toward the occupants of the oar< " There are ladies present."