CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXIII, Issue 22350, 22 February 1936, Page 29 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Every family tree has its sap. " I haven't a single decent evening frock." "So I've noticed, dear." The first thing that strikes you about the 1936 car is the radiator. Half-minutes in Hollywood: " You married?" "Yep . . . till next Tuesday." " Hell is full of busybodies," declares a vicar. I am sorry to hear this, as I had hoped there was room for more.

NOT THAT SORT She: "I'd like some soap, please." He: "We have just the thing for that delicate peach blossom complexion—" She: "Oh, it'a not soft soap I wanted." # - COULDN'T EXPECT BOTH "Daddy, our Sunday-school teacher said that if we were good wo would go to Heaven." "Quito right, my child." "But, Daddy, you said that if we were good we should go to the circus. Which of you's right?" NOTHING BETWEEN MEALS It was her first visit to a night club; she was seated beside an artistic-looking young man. "Tell me," he ventured, "do you care for mezzo-tints?" "Well, no," she stammered. "At least, not before supper." TEACHING HER TO DRIVE " Now, we're all set. Just turn tho jigger over and push on the hickey with your left hand and pull down on the other little jimcrack with your right, then press down the doodad with your foot and pull tho thingumybob at tho same time, and when it starts you push down on the doofunny with your left foot and yank tho umptydiddy back, then let up on tho foot dingus and put your other foot on tho hickoymadoodle; and don't forget to push down on tho hootnanny every time you move thp whatyoumaycall it, and you'll be huukydoroy, see?."

'Flu in a Nutshell: Chill. 111. Pill. Bill. " Will you share my lot?" " Yes, if it really is a lot." The average man hates facing his bills —but it's worse still to foot them. Social tact is making your company feel at home, even though you wish they were. The easiest way to climb the social ladder is to have your grandfather begin at the bottom of it. The trouble about a slap on the back is that you can never tell until too late whether it's a sign of approval or of arrest. t A speaker claims that bankers' take too much interest in politics. Apparently they just can't help taking interest. A musical journal says that it is quite possible to buy a piano for ten pounds. That, of course, is the great trouble with pianos. IN THE FASHION "I am glad it's no longer the fashion to wear a watch with a dress suit." "Why?" "Because I never possess both at once."' TOO MUCH ( "I wonder why Clara saves like she does. She's inherited a nice little fortune from her father." "Yes-, but the terms of the will said she could not have the money until she was thirty-five, and she can't bring herself to admit she's as old as that," LOOK OUT! Dentist: "Shall I use an anaesthetic?" Cowboy: "Will it hurt if you don't?" Dentist: "Most likely." Cowboy: "Then you'd better use the anaesthetic —for your own sake I" HIS TROUBLE Aviation Instructor: "Tell me, Hans, what is a sudden squall and how does it begin?" No answer from Hans. "Perhaps my question is not quite clear or too difficult for you?" suggested the instructor, by way of helping him. "Oh, no!" replied Hans, "not the question—the answer!" AMPLE A good story concerns Hcrr Remarque, tho author of "All Quiet on the Western Front," and a pretty American girl to whom ho was introduced in Berlin. Tho American, speaking in German, asked Remarque why he had never visited the United States, His answer was that lie knew only a few sentences in English. "What are the sentences?" inquired the girl. Whereupon Remarque, speaking slowly in somewhat guttural English, said: "How do you do? I love you. Forgive me. Forgot me. Ham and eggs, please." "Sakes alive!" ejaculated tho girl. "Why, with that vocabulary you could • tour my country from Maine to California."

"Marry you?" she sneered. "Why, you couldn't keep a nudist in moth balls. There's many a true word spoken of guests—especially after they've gone home. The average girl likes. be engaged jto a generous spender and married to a thrifty man. The skeleton of a 7ft. 2in. man has been unearthed in Ohio. He must be the original big stiff. It's safer that way: A report states that a resident of Devonport has played a saxophone for three year's running. "One cannot discard marriage like an old coat," says an American actress. So, I suppose, she makes a habit of it. A taxi driver writes that since Christmas he has never looked back. The couples inside heartily approve of this. The shops are filled with cheap things. And that includes husbands waiting while their wives are snooping around. An explorer writes: —" I spent three years with the natives of Berumanguublistaki; not many white men can say that." I'm not even going to try.

) PIERCING Wife: "It's nearly six weeks now since baby was born. Have you told the registrar yet?" Husband: "If he lives anywhere within a five miles' radius of this house he won't need to be told." WHOSE FAULT? Lady in car (to man she has knocked over): "It was your own fault entirely. I have been driving a car for 10 years, and I am thoroughly experienced." Pedestrian:. "I am not a beginner, either. I've been walking for 50 years." DISCOURTEOUS Two perfect ladies were discussing each other, and their, remarks were anything but complimentary. At length one of them said, "You don't consider yourself a prize beauty, I hope?" "No," replied the other, "1 don't, and I must say your mother must have been very fond of children to have brought you up./'-

Extract from my new dictionaryOptimist: A ipan who tries to arrange an overdraft at the Post Office Saving* Bank. " Only one item of food has been named after a singer, namely, Peche Melba," says a farpous chef. Then what about Oyster Patti? "Soon," says a prophet, "there will be no room in the world for anybody but engineers and their mates," The survival of the fitter. ~~ ) A jeweller who was attacked by bandits thought they, were practical jokers until they bound his mouth up. Then he knew it was a gag. v A burglar broke into my house last week. I'm told that he's making fair progress at the hospital, where they're treating him for a broken heart. * A writer says that the sound of many English words suggests their meaning. That accounts for the bright boy thinking that navigators were workmen's leggings. QUOTH THE TRAVELLER " I believe business is picking up again." " You must have landed some orders' to-day." "No, but I had several civil answers." ' ... - f■_ ■ . MIGHT BREAK OUT Golfer: " Can you let me have a> caddie who doesn't giggle all the time?" Caddie Master: "Well there's old Mac over there. He hasn't smiled for forty years—but, of course, I can't guarantee him?" ( t - TO SOREEOH Mother: "Well, darling, and how 3d! you like the music?" . Child (with fixed on the doublebass) : "Oh, it's all right. But why is that man tickling that thing's neck and scratching its stomach?" NOT QUITE '• Teacher (showing picture of zebra)'? "What is this called, Mary?" Five-year-old Mary thinks very hard, but remains silent. Teacher (helpfully): " Z-z-z—" Mary (brilliantly): "Zorse?" HEAVY FARE "But madam," the registrar's clerk explained to a film-actress applicant, "the law compels me to record all previous marriages before I issue a licence." "Good heavens!" exclaimed her prospective husband, "And I've got a taxi waiting!" FALSE ALARM The host showed his guest into his bedroom. " I hope you're not nervous, old chap," he said, " but this room is supposed to be haunted." "Haunted!" exclaimed the guest* " What by?" " A wraith —a spectre!" " A w-what?" "A wraith —a spectre." The guest sighed with relief, and the colour returned to his cheeks. "Oh, that's all right!" he saicTat last. "At first I thought you said * rate collector 1"