CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXII, Issue 22142, 22 June 1935, Page 3 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

.Remember: A dig in the garden's worth two in the ribs.

A troop of Boy Scouts have formed their own concert party. They should at least provide one good turn a day.

Misunderstood: The athlete who told a friend that he had won a walking race three times running.

" When I go and consult my lawyer he simply gives me a headache," complains a correspondent. He should consider himself lucky that he isn't charged for it.

An old man has roamed about the Yorkshire moors, hermit fashion, for ten years, says a newspaper—probably a Scot who once lost a golf ball there and has never been able to find it.

KEEPING UP APPEARANCES " Why do the Browns have a twocar garage? They have only one car." " Don't you know? They live in the other half!" UP-TO-DATE Customer: " But you didn't tell me about th<> mortgage on the house." Owner: " Don't you remember? I told you it had all the modern improvements." TOO BAD " My husband has taken all the cash out of baby's moneybox." "My dear!" "Yes, and just when there was nearly enough for the new hat I wanted." GOOD REASON " Johnny, whafc is the matter uith Alfred? " asked the mother of the boys. " He's crying," said Johnny offhandedly, " because I'm eating my cake and won't give him any." "Is his own cake finished?" asked mother. "Yes," replied Johnny, "and he cried while I was oating that, too."

1 Old Garden Chanty: Yo-hoe-hoe and a bottle of beer. "Any man can acquire a huge vocabulary," says a headmaster. One good plan is to marry one. The independent class is one that doesn't have any breakfast unless the dependent class gets up and prepares it. Wife: "You're lazy, slovenly, badtempered, mean, and a hypocrite'" Husband (reasonably): " Well, no man is perfect, my dear." " It's difficult for a man to toll a woman's real age," remarks a writer. It's practically impossible for the woman to do it. According to a judge, marriage is just as much a gamble as any sweepstake. Then why doesn't the Governmen stop it? According to a phrenologist, a certain type of bump on a man's forehead denotes that he will meet trouble in his life. Or, of course, that he has already met it. Modern Version: Lives of golfers all remind us We can slice and cut and hook And departing leave behind us Words not found in any book. TIME WILL TELL " Doctor," said the Rick man, " the other doctors seem to differ from you in their diagnosis of my case." " I know," replied the medical man cheerfully, " but the post-mortem will show which of us is right." WELL MET A case was due to be heard in an American court of law. Counsel confronted each other for the first time. " You dirty, double-crossing, fourflusher," snarled one, " I'll show you up for the crooked ape you are!" "Oh, yeah!" returned the other venomously. " You needn't take that line with me, you ham-faced liar!" At this point the judge intervened. " Now that learned counsel have identified each other the case will proceed," he said coldly. ONE OF THE CROWD A wealthy young man became engaged to a film star better known for her wild ways and her looks than for her talent. When he broke the news to his family they immediately raised objections to the match, and father threatened to cut off his son's allowance if he went through with it. The young man gave the matter his consideration, and then it was decided to send his brother to the actress with a view to bu\ r ing her off. She was cold and offended at first, but after a bit she decided to give the young man up provided that the sum was big enough. The brother wrote out a cheque and handed it to her. When the money had been put away the film actress went to a cabinet and took out a pile of men's photographs. " By the way," she said, " which of these boys is your brother ?"

We read of a man who stands two feet in his socks. It seems the usual number.

Reflection: We are all from the same mould, but some of us are mouldier than others.

Then and Now

1910. Kiss and mak£ up* 1935: Make-up and. kiss.

A plumber recently summoned a plumber for assault. Apparently the plumber forgot himself.

A South African nonagenarian has iust died after seeing his seventieth lion. Perhaps he didn't see it quickly enough.

Said the vicar to his curate: "And how is your most charming wife, to-day, Mr. Blank?" " I have only one wife," the curate replied.

" I would go through anything fqr you," said the young motorist with his arm round the girl-friend's waist. Then lie went through the windscreen.

A magistrate the other day told a sixty-year-old cat-burglar that he should be ashamed of himself. At his age, of course, he should confine his attention to bungalows.

WHAT'S THE BETTING? " The people in our part of town are awaiting the result of a very interesting conflict." " What is it? '• "An irresistible blonde has just met an immovable bachelor." DISPLAY Husband: "It's no use my giving you a cheque, my dear; my bank account is overdrawn." Wife: " Well, give me one anyway, and make it out for' £IOO. I wanj; to pull it out. with my handkerchief at the bridge club this afternoon."

Woman to drive: 44 But £ don't know what to do!" Husband. 44 Just imagine that I'm driving." " He picked up a fine Rembrandt for next to nothing in France." 44 Oh! What horse-power P'' It is said that a Chicago gangster has five hob baths every day. His idea, is to become the hardest boHed mem« ber of his profession. " Ignorance of the law is no excuse," says the Recorder of London. This is true, of course, but there are times when it is a good idea. There is a restaurant for dogs in Paris. Local postmen deliver letters in the vicinity very hurriedly, for fear the canine patrons might mistake them fos part of the menu. Definitions: Waterspout.—-A temperance speaker. Wife. One who loves her husband for all he is worth. Wire worm.—A telegraph boy. Waiter.—A person who orders a meal in a restaurant. >- Workhouse. —Our shelter from thef stormy blast. NICELY CATJOHT She gazed dreamily kito his eyes. " George, dear," she said, 44 you will give up going to the club and stay at home when we're.married, won't you?" He smiled reassuringly. " Why, yes, my pet, if you wish it/.' he replied. VV . " Of course I wish it, darling," she went on. 44 "Who will look after the house when I'm out, if you aren't in?" IN MEMORIAM A Yorkshireman was showing an American round London. They came to a busy corner and were watching the traffic. The American said: "This is nothing, bo! I dare walk across with my eyes closed." "Yes," said the Yorkshireman, " a man once did." 44 And did he get across?" asked the American. "Yes, a marble one," replied the Yorkshireman. r LAST CHAHGI! " Stella," he murmured, "I want—-" , " Just look at that beautiful star/® replied the girl, coolly. " There is but one star for my eyes,? answered the lovesick youth. 44 It's getting chilly," said Stella* " Let's get inside " But determination had come to the youth at last, and planting himself in the middle of the garden path, he blurred out, 44 This is the last time I shall ask you —■*' " Look here, Jimmy," intewtrpfcwJ the girl, impatiently, " how many mor» times are you going to ask me to marrj you?" 44 Stella, I'm thinking this w2l b« your last chance. One of the other three girls I've proposed to shows sigM of weakening!"-