CURRENT HUMOUR

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21396, 20 October 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

CURRENT HUMOUR

Cross-wood Puzzles: Deck chairs

Uttering False Notes: The pianist who plays out of tune.

Handel With Care: One is told that old masters should be played with great reverence.

Evelyn: " Gentlemen prefer blondes, anyway." Joyce: "Well, you ought to know. You've been both."

Angler (describing his experiences): " And, believe me or not, 1 never saw such a fish." Listener: "1 believe YOU."

" We're going out in Tom's new racing car on Labour Day." " That'll be fine." " Yes; it'll probably end that way if the constable gets us." .

" Fred, dear, I feel it in my bones that you are going to take me to the theatre to-night." " Which bone, darling?" " I'm not sure, but I think it's my wishbone."

She ('enthusiastically): " Oh, George, don't you think the greatest joy in life is the pursuit of the good, the true, and the beautiful?" He: " That is what I am here for." GIDDY THING Said a wise old fish in the water, " You must not eat minnows my daughter." But the giddy young thing Said, " I must have my fling." And therefore, a fisherman caught her. NOT VERY ENTERTAINING The audience watched the man on the stage with bated breath. " And now," said the hypnotist, " I am going to make this young man forget everything that has happened to him in the last five days.'' He was about to commence his magic when an appealing voice called to him from the circle: " Make it four days, guv'nor," it said " that bloke borrowed ten bob off me five days ago." HIS REFERENCE " If you know* anyone in court who will vouch for your character, call him," said the magistrate to the man in the dock. "Yes, sir," said the prisoner. "The Chief Constable -of the town." The Chief Constable, who sat in the w r ell of the court, started at the menti :i of his rank. "Me—me!" he exclaimed. "Why, your worship, I don't know the man." "Now, sir," said.the prisoner, turning to the Bench, " I have lived in this town for 20 years, and if the Chief Constable doesn't know me yet, is not that a character for you? "

Best Way to Keep Down Bills: Use a paper weight.

The applo is said to be the oldest fruit. What about the elderberry? She: "Do you consider horseshoes an emblem of luck?" He: "Yes, when they are on tho winning horse " " Whon you're his wife will you share all his troubles." "He has none." "I said—when you're his wife." Hubby: " You didn't have a rap; oil vour/back when I married you." Wife: " Anyway, I've plenty of them now." Getting on by Decrees: It is said that lawyers who specialise in divorce cases are the only ones busy just now in America.

GOOD COMPANIONS An Englishman and an American travelled in the same compartment on a railway express. The former spoke not a word to his companion, who was the only other occupant of the compartment and it was only when the train was crossing lluncorn Bridge that the American said: " Excuse me, sir, but your tie is riding up over the back of your collar." " Well, what if it is?" was the curt reply. " Your coat pocket has been on fire this last five minutes, and I haven't bothered you." BEST MAN WON The manager looked dubiously at the small applicant for the job. " Well, I suppose I've got to give it to you," he said at last. " sut understand this. You would not have got the position if there had been some other boys here to choose from. Fancy coming after a situation with a filthy collar, two black eyes, and a torn coat!" The boy smiled proudly. " That's nothing, guv'nor," he said. " You should have seen the other three chaps that came here after the job." MAKING SURE OF IT " I'm sorry," said the diner after he had done himself well in the London restaurant, " but I'm afraid I haven't the money to pay your bill. What are you going to do about it?" The head waiter smilingly shrugged his shoulders. "Oh, that's quite _ all right, sir!" he replied. "We'll just get you to write your name on the wall and "you can pay the next time you come in." The diner gasped. " What!" he cried. " Write my name on the wall? Why, all m.y friends will see it when they come in. I couldn't possibly do_that."_ "Oh, but they won't see it!" said the head waiter sweetly. " You see, your overcoat and opera hat will covfer it up."

" Business is slew." So said the man who sold tortoises. Why does an elephant need no porter?— Because he carries his own trunk. Mother to Tommy: " If you don't bo good I'll call a policeman." Tommy: " And if you do I'll tell him we've got no wireless licence." She: " Father's sermon to-night is called ' Love Ono Another.' Want to attend?" He: " No. Let's stay at home and practise what he preache;;." A bankrupt stated that his expensive motor-car was simply to keep up ap)K?urances. Some people, of course, have them simply to keep up disappearances. " The Utterly-IJtters are j ust wild about society, aren't they?" "Why, my dear, they're such climbers that they've even named their youngest daughter Ivy!" " 1 believe you supply false teeth on the easy payment, system," said the young lady, entering the up-to-date dentist's waiting-room. "Yes. madam." wittily replied the dentist. " Pay as you chews." IT PLEASED HIM " Brown," said the big business man to his book-keeper, " you lcok very happy this morning. What are you rejoicing over?" " Twins, sir," tiaid the book-keeper. " I'm happy because of the birth of twins." The big business, man thrust oat his hand. Congratulations," he smiled, " and—" " Oh," exclaimed Brown, " don't congratulate me! Congratulate Smith, my worst enemy. He's the lucky man." IT WAS NO GOOD The little man furtively entered the florist's shop. " I want three potted geraniums," he whispered to the assistant. The latter shook his head. " I'm j afraid we are right out of geraninuma at the moment," he replied. " I can let you have some very nice potted chrysanthemums." " No, they won't do," replied the little man, looking more worried than ever. " I wanted the geraniums to replace some I had promised my wife to> water while she was away." GENUINE FOE ONCE A man entered a barber's shop for a haircut. During the process, the barber mentioned that his client's hair was getting rather thin on top. " Why not try a bottle of my wonderful hairrestorer, sir?" he urged. "It's only a shilling." The customer did. A week later he returned to the shop. _" Well," asked the barber, " how did you find the hair restorer?" " I left the bottle on the kitchen table, and my wife, thinking it was a new kind of furniture polish, started to use it," the other replied. " How much, do you charge to shave a sideboard?" WIDE AWAKE " Now, then, ladies and gents,'" roared the cheapjack at the country, fair, " here's a chance, for everyone. Look what I've got in my hand. A j silver shilling—how much will vou give for it? " As he expected, bids came very rapidly; finally a simple-looking countryman said: "Elevenpence." As they would go no higher the cheapjack turned to the final bidder. " Here you are, guv'nor," he said, " the shilling's yours. Hand up your elevenpence." The countryman gave a wry smile. " Take it oot of the bob," he said.