Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21912, 22 September 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

The Untouchables: Bank managers

Husband's Life: One un-darned thine after another.

When darkness covered the waters Noah relied on Ark lights.

Young Curate: "If 1 may be allowed to say so, I would prefer mistletoe over yew."

father: " Daughter, isn't that young man rather fast?" Daughter: " Yes, but I don't think he'll get away."

Lady: " I want some cigarettes for my nephew. 1 forget which brand he smokes, but it's the one the advertisements speak so highly of."

Yankee Hunter: " Why, in America \ie have moose running wild. I bet you don't even * know what they're like." Jock: Hoch, but I do. Wo catch them in a trap with cheese."

Tommy: " Dad, I thought India was a hot country and fires were not needed." " So it is, my boy," replied his father. Tommy: " But isn't it strange that this paper states that Calcutta sweeps make a lot of money? "

"Please, Mr. Blank." one of the clerks informed the general manager, "the telephone is out of order." "Well, have you no common sense?" he snapped in reply. "Ring up the telephone exchange at once for me and I'll make a strong complaint about it."

THEN AND NOW If you're waking call me early, Call me early, mother dear. This was often said to mothers By the girls of yesteryear. But to-dny they- tell their mothers, As they go out for a spin, You must wake up early, mother, Someone's got to let me in. KEEPING THE FISH MOVING A van labelled " Fish " was slipped from an express train at a station in Czecho-Slovakia. Remembering that fish-vans have to bo kept in motioe in order to keep the water in the tanks aerated to'prevent fish from dying, the station officials had the van shunted to and fro for twenty-four hours. When the owners of the fish arrived they thanked the stationmaster, but pointed out that all bis work had been wasted. The fish were sardines packed in tins. GREAT DEVONSHIRE AIR " When 1 was a lad," continued the millionaire, who was telling his fellow members at their annual dinner some ot his troubles in early life, " I walked to Devonshire. I found aj'ob, and, after five years' hard work, managed to save enough to buy a. bicycle." There was a gasp of astonishment. " Not long after this," began the other afresh, *" 1 got a lettei from home. Mother was very ill. So 1. jumped on my bicycle and rode to London, just in'time to hear the doctor say that Devon air was the only thing that woiid save mother.' His audience gasped. " You took her back, of course?" they said, " No," replied the millionaire, " I dragged the old bike into the room, let the Devonshire air out of the tyres, and mother's alive to-day." IT WAS EASY MONEY A rich young aristocrat became engaged to a film star who was better known for her wild ways and her looks than for her talent. When he broke the news to his family they immediately raised objections to the match, and the father threatened to cut off his son's allowance if he went through with it.

The young man gave tho matter his consideration, and then it was decided to send his brother to tho actress with a view to buying her off. She was cold and stubborn at first, but alter a bit she decided to give tho young man up providing the sum was big enough. Thereupon the brother hastily wrote out a cheque and handed it to her.

When the money had been safely put away the film actress went to a cabinet and took out a pile of men's photographs. " By the way," she said, " which of these boys is your brother?"

Landladies: Women who make a hash of things.

F<fet, it is stated, reveal character Especially when trodden on.

" I'm going to give you a piece of my mind." " Just a small helping, please, darling."

Burglar: " Where's the silver?" His Lordship: " Who the dickens do you think 1 am—the pantry boy?"

Thomas: " That Miss .Tones is rather reserved, isn't she? " Jack: "Very much so. I reserved her for life last night."

Fortune Teller: " You have the gift of 'oratory. When you speak I should imagine people listen open mouthed." Client: " That's right. I'm a dentist."

"Now children, stop quarrelling. Can't you ever agree?" "We have agreed this time, mother. Jack wants the biggest piece of cake and so do 1."

"How did Brown manage to win the cross-country race?" "He was dead beat and sat down for a rest." "How did that help him?" "He sat on a wasps' nest."

Bore: "Ten years ago I went to America with one pair of patched trousers —and I have returned with a million! " Bored: " What on earth are you going to to with them?"

Wife: " Tell me, dear, your real reason for giving up drink." Husband: " Well, it was like this. The last time I came home late your mother was here. I saw two of her. The shock cured me."

" Someone has invented a substance which he claims is considerably tougher and more resistant than rubber." "Huh!" snorted Mr. Benedict. " My wife has that recipe in a cookery book, and I often get it for dinner."

"Just see if that back tyre is flat, dear," Binks asked his wife when she got put of the car. "I can't understand it," she replied after a searching investigation. "The tyre is flat where it's on the ground, but it's quite all right on the top."

THE DIFFERENCE "Yes," said the meek-looking man to his neighbour at the snack bar, " I take my meals at a restaurant every chance I got." * " I suppose you prefer restaurant cooking to your wife's cooking?" replied the other. The meek man shook his head sadly. "No, I can't say it's that," he replied; " but I can give orders in a restaurant."

or COURSE HE DID An cldorlv couple were getting; married at the little country church. The groom was very deaf. When the clergyman road: " Wilt thou have this woman to be thy wedded wife " the old man did not hear him, and asked his bride, " What's ho say?" The old lady bawled in his ear: " He wants to know if tha'll ha' mo for thy wedded wife." The old man looked surprised, nnd exclaimed. " Why. sartinly, Mary, dear! Didn't 1 tell thee so t'other neetP" WHAT HE WAS DOING Wilkes had a serious complaint to make to his landlord. " It's the people 111 the flat above me!" he stormed. "They won't give me a minute's peace. This morning at one o'clock they were jumping up and down on the floor as hard as they could. 1 won't put up with such behaviour. It's an outrage!" The landlord looked sympathetic. " They woke you up, I presume?" he inquired. victim shook his head. "No. I hadn't gone to bed." " Ah! You were working late?" " Yes. J. was practising on my saxophonol"

"Your opening sale has closed. What now? " " Our closing sale opens."

The odt\ ode story: Proposals by poem are popular in England just now.

Why, asks a tailor, is the average man so shabby? Usually because his wife isn't.

" Don't you think that movie queen is improving?" " Yes, she's marrying a better grade of man every year."

Owner of last " also ran ": " You might at least have kept up with tho other jockeys." Jockey: " What, and leave the horso behind?"

A teacher asked her pupils if they knew who the Quakers were. " People who live near an active volcano, miss," called out a smart boy promptly.

Vocalist (who has just sung): "I adore that song. The tune seems to haunt me." Candid Friend: " I don't wonder, after the times you've murdered it."

Wife: " Mrs. Jones has another now hat." Hubby: " Well, if she were as attractive as you are, my dear, she wouldn't have to depend so much upon the milliner."

No test for the wicked. —Although he pleaded that he had two tickets for one of tho England v. Australia matches a cricket enthusiast in England was sentenced to prison for six months.

Will ie: " My teacher says the world is round. If I wanted to go east 1 could get thero by going west, then, couldn't I?" Father: "Yes, my son. You'll be a taxi-driver when you grow up."

The teacher had been telling her class about the rhinoceros family. " Now, name some things," she added, " that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns." " Motor-cars! " promptly answered Johnny.

" Yes. 1 once persuaded a man to insure his life for £IO,OOO, and the next week he fell out of a window and broke his neck." "By jove! You must have been sorry you persuaded him to insure." " Not a bit. I married his widow."

DANGEROUS TRIP Millicent, at an exhibition, wanted to go for a trip in one of the gondolas on the artificial lake. Suddenly she said, " I don't want to go." " Why not, dear?" asked her mother. " You're not frightened, are you?" " Yes, I am. Look what it says up there?" Over the pay-box was a notice, and her mother read: " Trip round the lake. Adults, 3d each; children thrown in." BANNING THE TRUMPET In the little Welsh theatre an opera was being produced. In certain passages a trumpet should have been blown off-stage for effect. Great was the conductor's consternation when, as the first climax came, there was no sound of the trumpet. Very annoyed, he continued. The second climax was reached, but still the trumpet was silent. When the overture was finished the conductor rushed to the wings. There ho found the trumpeter still arguing with a theatre fireman. " You can't play that thing here," asserted the fireman. " There's a concert going on 1" QUITE REMARKABLE A nobleman whose estate had shrunk considerabty decided, in order to replenish the family fortune, to go into business. But neither nature nor experience had qualified him for a commercial career and he made a hash of the venture. » Eventually a receiver took over the nobleman's affairs. The receiver engaged an accountant who went-through the books and struck a trial balance. The nobleman scanned the document and exclaimed: " W T hat a remarkable coincidence! What an extraordinary coincidence! Why, the totals on both sides are identical!" ONE BETTER Jones wrote to a firm applying for a post, and in his letter he said he was the best salesman in the world. The firm decided to try him out, and sent him on the road with a special line of goods.

A month went by, and Jones hadn't sold a thing, and he naturally began to get disheartened. Finally ho decided to return to town.

" Well," asked the manager, " how did you get on?" Jones groaned. " I've come to offer you an apology," he said. " I "told you 1 was . the best salesman in the world. Well, I'm only the second best. The best is tho fellow who sold you that Jine of goods you sent me out to sell."