Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21906, 15 September 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Hollywood Find: Perpetual emotion. Bachelor: Man who can stick to his own opinion. Why cannot a fishmonger help being greedy?— Because his business makes him sell-lisli. Jones: " Why do you let vour wife rule the house?" Smith: " Because if L didn't let her reign she'd storm."

" You understand for business reasons our engagement must be kept secret?" " Oh, yes, I'll tell everybody that."

Husband: " What do you want with a new hat?" Wife: "Oh, a new frock, some stockings and a new pair of shoes. Thanks awfully, darling." Magistrate: " The policeman says that you and your wife had some words." Accused: " I had some, sir, but I didn't get a chance to use them." " 1 seem to know this tune," said his wife as the organist began to play the " Wedding March." " What is it called?" " Stormy Weather," he replied.

The baby was being displayed to admiring callers. " Dear me!" exclaimed one visitor, who seemed to find it difficult to know what to say. " How like his father." " Oh, that's only the hot weather." replied the young mother, crossly. " As a rule he's quite cheerfullooking."

NUMERICAL NONSENSE My pal, sad to relß. Came 2 in a terrible stß. Though he'd had 12 glasses Of whisky strß. He st6 to the story 'Twas something he 8. " HOW'S THAT?" A village cricket matcli was delayed for some time owing to the absence of an umpire. . The home skipper, recognising an acquaintance in the crowd, asked the man to officiate. •He was willing to do so. " Aw reet," said the skipper. "We're | fieldin' first. Whenever you hear anv- ! body shout ' Huzzart?' you say 'Out.' Later on, when we go in to bat, I'll tell thee a bit more." NO TROUBLE ABOUT IT Little Henpeck, safely out of his wife's hearing, was letting himself go. To a friend, who complained of some domestic difficulty, he said grandly: "My dear boy, we never have any trouble of that sort in our house. If I say a thing is to be done, 1 insist upon i its being done." "And is it?" asked the friend. " Of course," replied Henpeck, "er —even if 1 have to do it myself." THE BEST ODDS A bookmaker, who was ill, sent his small sou to ask a certain doctor to call. A different physician having arrived, the bookmaker afterwards asked his sou to explain. "Well, you see, dad," he said, "there | were a lot or brass plates on the doors, , and when I got to the number you gavo me I saw ' Consultations, 11 to 12.' The chap next door was offering ' Consultations, 10 to I,' and I knew you'd like the one that gave the best odds." A STORY OF SOUP A man and wife took in an aged, and supposedly wealthy, relation to live with them, thinking they would profit when he died. Later they learned that the old fellow hadn't much money and they were anxious to get rid of him, f;o they agreed that they would start an argument at dinner that evening. The husband, it was arranged, would claim that the soup was too salty; the wife would claim that the soup was not saltv enough. They would leave the matter to old Abraham. If he agreed with the husband the wife would throw j him out. So at dinner the husband said, " Rachel, the soup is too salty. I can't eat it." Rachel tasted the soup and said, "No, my dear, the soup is not salty enough." " Then," said the husband, ' we will leave it to Abraham, and see what he says about it. Abraham, what do you think; is the soup too salty or is it not salty enough?" . Old Abraham, who was enjovmg his soup, didn't hesitate, but said between j sips, " Veil, it suits me." »

To Learn to Ride: One must got into the habit. " He if, the nicest boy friend I've ever had." " And is he aware that he is being had?" She: "1 notice that you smoke your cigarettes shorter." He: "Yes. You see, 1 smoke them longer." George: "It is midnight, the moment when miracles happen." Jean: " 1 think—" " There, didn't 1 tell you!" Woman: "Does your husband kick about the meals?" Other bridgo player (smiling): "No, what he kicks about is having to get them." Husband (as violin number ends): " That fellow reminds me of Paderewski." Wife: " But Paderewski isn't a violinist." Husband: " Neither is this chap." " Why didn't you run up the target when I blew the whistle? " shouted the sergeant to the recruit. " What do you take me for —a blooming squirrel? " asked the recruit. " I'm sorry," said the clerk. " We've nothing but five-shilling seats left." "Ma conscience!" said tho Scot. "That's awfu' expensive. Still, it's but ance in a lifetime. A'll tak' one of the five." Amed Bandit (breaking into postoffice): "Hands up! Let's have the cash, stamps, and postal orders, quick!" Nervous Assistant: "Farther up the counter, p-please. This is the d-d-dog licence d-department." Mayor: " I never saw the park littored so with paper as it is this morning. How do you account for it?" Park Superintendent: " The council had leaflets distributed yesterday asking jieople not to throw paper about." A speaker before a women's organisation was tolling about how careless the men in Persia are with their wives, and said it was no uncommon sight to see a woman and a donkey hitched up together. One of the women in the audience called out: "That's not so unusual—you often see it over here, too."

JUST LIKE HIM They had just been married and were about to start on their wedding trip. He was embarrassed to the point of forgetfulness, but he met the situation expertly. " Why, Harry, you've bought only one ticket," reproached the bride. " Just like me, dear," flashed Harry; " always forgetting myself."

THE WAY TO DO IT A crotchety farmer had a dispute with his neighbour and went to his solicitor about it. " Aw want thee to write a letter," he said, " and tell 'im that all this nonsense 'as got to stop." " Very well," said the solicitor, "and what do you want mo to Bay?" " Just tell 'im," replied the farmer, " that- 'e's the blackest, low-downest, lyin'est, thievin' scoundrel on earth, and then work it oop a bit until tha feels tha can say summat really rudo to 'im." ALL ABOUT A DOG A ■ Jew, seeing a friend sitting disconsolately looking out of the window, asked him: "What's the matter today ?" " I promised my wife a Pomeranian. The best price I can get on one is £5, and it's too much," was the reply. " You're right. I can sell you one for £2." " Fine," said the other. " When can you make delivery?" " Just a minute. I'll find out," said the .Jew, and rushed out to a public telephone. Getting his business part- j ner, he said: " Listen; I've sold a fellow here a Pomeranian for £2. What [ the deuce is a Pomeranian?" I

Simile: As easy as falling off tho water waggon.

Peace at Last: " Harry, this glorious view leaves rue speechless." " Darling, shall we live here always?"

"1 tell you, I always act like a gentleman when I'm full of liquor." " Then hurry up and get drunk! "

" Has your vicar been in this parish long?" " Yes, sir, he's been the incumbrance here for nearly 40 years."

" Sec that old chap? About six doctors have given him up." " Whatever's wrong with him? " " He won't pay his bills."

Wife: " Please come at once, my husband's temperature is 1.'36." Doctor: " Beyond my skill," " send for the firebrigade."

" That secretary of yours has been rude to me. In my opinion she's got far too much cheek." " Yes, 1 know—she does put it on a bit."

John: " Why does Humber keep asking me for money when he knows I haven't any?" Harry: "He's just practising his sense of touch."

" I'm sorry, but I make it a rule never to lend money. It ruins friendship." " Still, old chap, we were never what you might call wonderfully good friends, were we?"

" Mother, where has father gone?" " He's gone to town to attend a committee meeting." " What's a committee?" " A committee is a body that keeps minutes and wastes hours."

Terence: " 'Tis a fine kid ye have here. A magnificent head and noble features. Could you lend me a couple of pounds?" Donovan: "I could not. 'Tis me wife's child by her first husband."

Bobby (returning from garden with new toy gun): " Mummy, I've shot 99 lions." Mother: " Oh, Bobby! Why don't you say 100 lions and have done with it?" Bobby (firmly): "No, mother. I won't tell a lie for the sake of one lion.' 7

ALWAYS THE SAME WAY A motorist was proceeding along one of the main roads of a small town when the driver of a coal cart in front suddenly turned to his right down a side street. After narrowly avoiding a collision the motorist demanded to know why the coalman didn't put out his arm to indicate which way he was going. " Don't talk, so daft," he replied, "I always go down that street." ANOTHER QUESTION A lecture on safotv first had just been given to the junior scholars. As the schoolmaster ceased, a hand shot up and a voice inquirod. "Is it true, sir, that if you are killed or injured in a train or bus the corporation have to pay your family a sum of money?" " Certainly, if it is not the person's own fault," was the reply. " Does anyone else wish to ask a question?" Someone did. " Please, sir, do you get your penny back as well?" THE EXPLANATION The conductor during rehearsal noticed that one of his first violins was not looking himself. Ho stopped and asked the violinist if he felt unwell." " No, sir, thanks; I'm all right," was the reply. The rehearsal proceeded. Presently the violinist again caught tho conductor's eye. " Smith." he said, " are you sure you're all right, because vou don't look it?" " Yes, sir, really; I'm all right." But Smith seemed to grow paler. " Look here. Smith," said the conductor, " I really think you ought to go out for some fresh air, you know." " Don't worry about me, sir," said Smith. " I'm quite all right—only, I simply loathe music." WHY SO MODEST? A hefty countryman on one of his rare visits to thr> big city entered a small restaurant which advertised a special lunch —as much as the customer cared to eat for two shillings. The waiter showed him to a table. " Will you take the special?" he asked. " What's it consist of?" asked the countryman. "There's tomato soup, oxtail soup, grilled solo, boiled halibut, roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, new potatoes, apple tart and cream, jam roll, and cheese and coffee," replied the waiter, reading out the menu. "That's champion," said tho countryman, "Bring rno tomato soup, oxtail soup, sole, halibut, beef, pudding, spuds, jam roll, and some cheese and coffee." "Will that be all?" asked tho astonished waiter. "That's all," said the other. "Then may I ask," put in the waiter quietly, "wbat's wrong with the apple tart and cream P"