Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21716, 3 February 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Dyspeptics' slogan: Bismuth as usual. Golden Rule (Revised): Expect to be done as you would like to do others. Things Ono Would like to Know: What happens when Mussolini doesn t get home until '2 a.m. A man who fell from a three-storey window said that he was sleep-walking. Apparently he had just dropped off. First Youth: " How do you like your new boss?" His Pal: "Oh, he's all right, except that he talks shop during business hours."

Fond Mother: "My daughter's voice has been a great expense to me." Visitor (who has heen listening it for an hour): " Can you do nothing for it?" A near-sighted visitor to Auckland says he is amazed by the number of public statues in Queen Street. He has been looking at the husbands waiting for their wives to finish shopping. Salesman: "Madam, this fire extinguisher is guaranteed to give you service for 50 years." Elderly Woman: " But I sha'n't he here all that time." Salesman (misunderstanding her meaning): "Oh, but you can take it with you when you go!"

Genius: An infinite capacity for making gains. A docior advocates skipping to reduce weight. Sixteen bounces making one pound. Artless Remark: " What is your pet painting?" inquires an art critic. Artist: " My pet doesn't paint." He: " What would you say if I asked you to marry me?" She: " Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time." " Have you heard Madame Con Tralto? A great virtuoso, that woman." " I am not interested in her character, Can she sing?" A doctor says that Nature never intended us to wear spectacles. This theory, however, is doubted in view of the way our ears are placed. " It says in this leaflet that cannibals won't eat a man who smokes a lot of tobacco." " Well? Who's going to stop smoking just to pamper cannibals?" Tom: "An expert says that 700 different games can be played with a single pack of cards." George: " And there's mv wife's bridge. That makes 701." A clergyman in London has been complaining about men who take their wives to night-clubs. Perhaps it's the only place left to go to by the time she's ready. vShe: " What part of town will wo live in when we marry?" He: " Ah — er—don't you think your father will feel offended if he thinks we don't think his home here is good enough for us?" " What have you done with your motor-boat?" " Changed it for a car." "Oh; and what about that girl you always used to take out in the boat?" " Her name was on it. So I changed her at the same time." Courteous Chauffeur (to ladv walking along country road): "Madam, would you like a lift?" Lady: " No, thank you. I'm walking to reduce." Chauffeur: " Ah, then, madam, you're going th§ wrong way. This is the road to Pukekohe."

Cot Burglar: A cradle has been stolen from a London house. Man of Polish: There's a bright side to everything. And that includes Hardlip's blue serge suit. " A London fog," says an artisticadmirer, " can be very beautiful." But most people see very little in it. Teacher: " Now. if 1 subtract 25 from 37 what's the difference?" Little Willie: " Yeah, that's what I say. Who cares?" Host: " It's beginning to rain, we'd better go in and have supper." Guest: " Oh, thanks very much: but it's not bad enough for that." Old Lady (to •Tramp'): " Do you ever drink intoxicants?" Tramp: " Before replying, lady, is that an invitation, or merely an inquiry?" Over the Odds: " What a life!" moaned the much-married bookmaker, " laying the odds all day and now come home and have to lay the linoleum." A fireman married a girl he first met when he picked her up in a burning building and carried her down a ladder. There was apparently no escape. " I'm determined to get on," the young business man told his friend, "so I'm taking a course at a school of languages." " And what language are you learning?" " Scottish." There was an old fisher named Fischer, Who fished from the edge of a fissure, 'Til a fish, with a grin, Pulled the fisherman in, Now they're fishing the fissure for Fischer. " I cannot understand." said the vicar, " why so many of the congregation go straight from the church to the publichouse." " Oh," said the bright curate, " that is what they call the ' thirst after righteousness.' " Man (employed by a Scot"): " I have been here ten years doing three men's work for one man's pay, and now I want a rise." Employer: " I doot I canna' give yc that, but if ye'U tell me the name-i of the ither two, I'll sack 'em."