Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXXI, Issue 21698, 13 January 1934, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Women's Secrets: Their ages. " Your dog howls at tho moon?" " Yes, he can't get over it." " Does this novel end happily? " " Don't know. It only says they married." " Waiter, never bring me a steak like this again." " But why not, air?" " Well, it simply isn't done." " This sir! he's marrying can swim, dance, sing, ride, drive a car and pilot an aeroplane." " Oh, well, he's a good cook." Mother: " Did you ever hear of a person who suffered by imitating a good example?" Son: " Yes, mother — a coiner." " Now, Tommy, what is one-fifth of three-sixteenths? " " 1 don't exactly know, teacher, but it isn't enough to worry about." " A very handsome woman, that Mrs. Miller." " You ought to have seen her 15 or 20 years ago, when she was 10 years younger." Landlady: "So Mr. Newboard has found something fresh to complain about this morning?" Maid: " No, mum; it's the eggs."

He: " They say that people who live together grow to look alike." She: " Then you absolutely must consider my refusal as final."

Visitor: " Poor fellow! I suppose you were tempted and fell?" Convict: " Yus, lidy—tempted by a 'and-bag, an' fell over a perishin' dog!"

" Women are fools. I never knew but one really sensible one." " Well, why didn't you marry her?" " I asked her, but she wouldn't have me."

Tommy: " I can fight anyone in the world." Freddy: " Could you fight my brother?" " Yes, of course I could." " That's funny. I haven't got one."

I wrote for Uncle Joseph An epitaph which ends " He always tried to do his best," And someone added, " Friends."

Husband: " I can't stand this money —money —money business much longer. The next time you mention money, I'll leave you." Wife: " How much, dear?"

Friend: "Do you think the great outstanding poem of the century has yet been written?" Poet: "It has not only been written, but it has been rejected !"

" So they had to sell their seaside cottage? " " Yes; so many of their friends came to visit them that the.y saw they would go bankrupt if they kept the place."

Among the trials and tribulations of being a mother is getting the children's Christmas chocolates out of their hiding place and discovering that half of them have disappeared.

Young Bride: " Don't you think that we might give mother a little Christmas present?" Her Bridegroom: "Wo might. How would she like a. jar of vanishing cream?"

Her Mother: " Do you always greet Ferdinand with a kiss when he comes homo from work?" Mrs. Snoops: " Yes, always. How else could I find out if he's been drinking?" Wife (whose mother has been visiting them for six months): " What shall I give mother for a Christmas present, dear?" "Fed-up Husband: "Suppose you give her a travelling bag?" " I want a very careful chauffeur—one who doesn't take the slightest risks," warned the would-be employer. " I am your man, sir," answered the applicant. " Can I have my salary in advance?" Father: " Well, Tommy, how do you think you will like this fellow for a brother?" Tommy (inspecting the new infant, somewhat doubtfully): "Have you got to keep him, dad, or is he only a sample?" The teacher was giving a lesson on the Creation. John interrupted with the remark: "My'father says we are descended from apes." Teacher: " Your private family affairs have 110 interest for tho class." Tramp (pitcously): "Please help a poor cripple, sir." Kind Old Gentleman: " Bless me, why, of course. How are you crippled, my poor fellow?" Tramp (pocketing the money): "Financially crippled, sir." She was fishing for compliments, but her young man was cute and something of a student of human naturo. " How old do you think I am?" she asked him, anxiously. " You don't look it," 110 answered diplomatically.

The wife was working out a crossword puzzle. Suddenly sho turned to her husband and asked: "What is a female sheep?" " Ewe," he replied. And that started the unpleasantness that spoiled the whole evening. Burly Bill: " Got a penny on yer, guv'nor?" Little Sniffey: "Certainly, but what do you two men want with a penny?" Beefy Bert: "We want to toss up, guv'nor, to decide which of us is to have yer watch, and which yer money." Smith: " What are you cutting out of the paper?" Jones: " A report of the case in which a man got a divorco because his wife went through his pockets." Smith: " What are you going to do with it?" Jonos: " Put it in my pocket." A farmer named Brown courted a girl unsuccessfully for many years, during which time he drank her health every day. When for the first time lie was observed to omit tho custom, a friend said: " Come, Brown, your oh! toast." " No," was the reply. " As I cannot make her Brown I'll toast her no more." He was done brown.;

WIDE OF THE MARK Sho's been throwin' things at me all our married life, your worship," said the little man. " and we've been married 20 years." " And why have you never complained before?" asked the judge. " Well, she never hit me before, sir." TAKING- UP LAND An emigrant was preparing to leave his native land to try his luck abroad. An acquaintance inquired casually: " What are you going to do when you arrive at vour destination?" " Oh, take up land," was tho reply. " Much?" asked tho other. " Only a shovelful at a time," explained tho emigrant. RIGHT WORDS The extravagant wife returned from her Christinas shopping expedition and commenced to make a total of her bills. Suddenly she discovered that she had spent more than she had intended. " Dear me!" she exclaimed. The long-suffering husband nodded his head wisely. " And 1 quite agree with you," ho returned, nodding his head meaningly. THE QUIET TOWN Tu a quiet country town a commercial traveller entered the general, store. Going through to the parlour at the back, he came upon the proprietor and a friend engaged in a game of chess. "Mr. Jones," he said, "there are two customers in the shop." Jones did not raise his eyes from the board. He, merely nodded and whispered, " That's all right. Keep very quiet and they'll go away again." WHY SHOULD HE WHISTLE? The Smiths were sitting on the balcony of the hotel, and could hear what the young couple were saying in the garden below. Mrs. Smith clutched her husband's arm excitedly. " I think he is going to propose," she said. "We oughtn't to listen—whistle to warn him!" "Why should I?" asked Mr. Smith truculently. " Nobody whistled to warn me!"

QUITE RIGHT The mistress of the house was feeling ill, and the maid dashed out for the doctor. " What's the matter with your mistress?" he inquired. " I don't know, sir," the maid answered. " But she's in pain and says she wants to die." " Oh, does she?" said the medicus. " Then you did quite right to come for me." THE NEW LODGER They were talking over the garden wall. " And how do you get on with your new lodger, Mrs. Jones?" asked Mrs. Green. " Well, he's a nice, quiet young man," was the reply, " but his head's full of nothing but books. He reads and reads until he says his head fairly spins." , "Lor'!" said Mrs. Green; "sounds like a circulating library to me."

NO BABY TO KISS A clergyman noticed a woman pushing a pram up a steep hill, and volunteered his assistance, which was gratefully accepted. When he had pushed the pram to the top of the hill he said: " No thanks at all. I am delighted to help you—but as a little reward, may I kiss the baby?" " Bless you, sir," said the woman, "it isn't a baby—it's a dozen of stout." HE KNEW ALL ABOUT IT " Sam was charged with theft, and his lawyer decided to put him in th§ wit-ness-box. " Sam, if you tell a lie, you know what will happen, 1 suppose?" asked the Judge. " Yas, sub," replied Sam. " I'll go to Hades and burn for a long time." " Quito right," said the Judge. " And you know what will happen if you tell the truth?"

t: Yes, still," said Sam. " Wo lose do case!"

VERY AWKWARD Five-year-old Dorothy, perched 011 her father's kueo in the very crowded tnuncar, peered hard at the stout, very gaudily dressed individual as sho bustled and edged herself into the only available seat. Dorothy continued to stare, and then after a while she turned to her mother. " Mummy," sho said in loud tones, "it's a lady!" " S-sb, dear!" scolded the parent angrily. " Wo know it is." The small child looked hurt. " But mummy," slio said, " you just said to daddv, " What's this object coming in?"' DOING VERY WELL He had managed to get a job as collector for a gas company. " Take this master key and go round niifl empty all the coin boxes; get nil the pennies and shillings," said the manager. He was gone for three weeks. Then he walked into the office and announced: "Can I havo another key? I've lost t'other one." " Certainly," replied the manager. " But where have you been all this time? The cashier has stopped late every Friday night expecting you to come for your wages." "Ba goom!" exclaimed the man beaming, " do I get wages as well? "

NOTHING IMPOSSIBLE " Patience aiul persoveranco will accomplish all things," said a passenger in a railway compartment. A pompout follow traveller turned to him crossly and said, " Nonscnso, sir! .T. can tell you many tilings which neither pationco nor per sever once can accomplish." " Perhaps you can," said the other, " but t have never yet come acrosß one thing." " Well, then, I'll tell you one. Will patience and perseverance ever enable you to carry water in a sieve?"

" Certainly!" "I would like to know how!" " Simply by waiting patiently for the water to freeze!"

GOOD ADVICE The temperance reformer was going great guns. " Have you noticed who the people are with money, ladies and gentlemen? The publicans! Who is it that can afford to buy furs? The publican's wife. Who has the most money, to spend at Christmas? TTho publicans." He paused to regain his breath and then went 011 again: " And who is it that pays for all their pleasures? You, ladies and gentlemen. You ! They lead a life of luxury on your money." A fortnfght iater a husband and wife mot the lecturer and thanked him for his splendid advice. "Ah," he said, "I'm glad, then, that you've given up drink." " Oh, it isn't that," said the husband. " We've bought a pub. It's great 1"

Promising Men: Known to tailors. ' Hollywood Style: Marry in haste. Repeat at leisure. Smith: " I passed by your house yesterday." Jones: "Thanks." Nurse: " He's regaining consciousness; he tried to blow the foam off his medicine." Friend: " What was the hardest thing you found in learning to drive?" Motorist: " A stono wall." Brown: "Ever pick a quarrel with your wife?" Green: " No; I leave that to her, she picks better ones." " Don't he and his wife do anything but quarrel?" " Oh, yes! They often make it up, so they can start another one." He: "I never knew love was like this." She: " Neither did I; I thought there were more flowers and chocolates to it." Mrs H.: " Did you match that piece of mouse-coloured velvet for me?" Mr. H.: "No, ypu forgot to give me tho mouse." " Yes, he's a year old now, and he's been walking since he was 10 months." Bachelor Friend: "Really? Ho must be awfully tired." Mistress, (to new maid): " I hope, Ann, you won't copy the things I wear." Maid: " Oh, no, ma'am. 1 liko my things up-to-date." / Bachelor (knowingly): " There's hardly a doubt that teeth are disappearing from the human race. Why, soon we'll be born without any." "He said you were what?" " Laconic." " What does that mean?" " Don't know. But I gave him one on the nose to be on the safe side."

Putting it Strongly: " I will love you, darling, till the world stops turning, the sun grows cold, the cows come home, and we have finished turning the corner."

Welfare Worker: " And have you any plans for the future when your sentence expires?" Incorrigible: " Yus, I've got the* plans of two jewellers' and a post office."

" Pins," began Johnny, " have saved the lives of many men." " Why, Johnny, noti at all. How do you mean saved the lives?" demanded the teacher. " By not swollering them."

Policeman: "As soon as I .saw you come round bend I said to myself, ' Forty-five at least.' " Woman Driver: " How dare you! It's this hat that makes me look so old."

" I say, Brown, have you got that umbrella I lent you?" "No, I lent it to a friend. Are you wanting it?" " Not exactly, but the chap who lent it to me says the owner wants it."

At the funeral of a negro the coloured minister painted the deceased's character in such glowing terms that the widow blurted out: " Say, minister, ain't you burying some other nigger?"

Doctor: " Your master is decidedly better, Thompson, but very irritable. He must not be thwarted." Butler: T< He expressed a desire to wring my neck, sir." " Well —er —humour him."

A meek little man whose wife_ had recently died was walking along with a friend when a builder accidentally let a brick fall on his head. " Gosh!" said the widower. " Sarah must have got to heaven after all!"

"Could you give us a song?" the chairman asked the amateur tenor at the banquet. " With pleasure—but is this the time for it?" " Yes; we want the room cleared so that it can be got ready for dancing."

" My wife says that if I were to die she would remain a widow." " Evidently she thinks there's not another man in the world like yo.u." " On the contrary, she's afraid there may bo, and that she'd get him."

The bad boy of the class kept asking silly questions. The master kept his temper until the young rascal asked: " How long can a donkey live without braids, sir?" The master's chance had come. " Wait and see!" ho snapped.

Prospective Tenant: "If tho houso has been recently occupied, how is it all the windows are smashed?" Agent: " Well, sir, my partner will insist on satisfying every inquirer that this houso is only a. stonc's-throw from tho station."

" Now," said the lecturer, " suppose yon had boon called to see a patient with hysterics—someone, for instance, who had begun to laugh and found it impossible to stop—what is the first thing you would do?" " Amputate his funny bono," replied the now student. A respectable woman was charged with stealing goods from a large storo. It was an obvious case of kloptomania, and the magistrate, who seemed inclined to bo lenient, asked the prisoner if sho had anything to say 011 her behalf. " Well, sir," sho said, hopefully, " I only take British goods." A labourer who had fa]lon off a building was awarded £25 compensation. His solicitor kept £ls for legaf services. The labourer gazed at the £lO handed to him. "What are you looking at?" askod the lawyer. " Woll, sir, I was just wondcrin' which of us it was that fell off the buildin' and broko his ribs." The young man gazed at her in admiration. " Gee whiz, Joan," he said, "you look good! I haven't seen you in that frock before." Sho smiled sweetly- " No—my 21st birthday present from daddy." Ho raised his brows in surpriso. " Eeally," ho said, tactlessly, " and now it's fashionable again!"