Current Homour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21580, 26 August 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Homour

The Garden: No place like loam. New Version: A friend not in need is a friend indeed. Bored Clubman: "Waiter, fetch someone to help me listen to this follow." Musical Wife: " It's strange, but when I play the piano I always feel melancholy." Husband: " So do I."

" Daughter, your hair is all ruffied. Did that young man kiss you against your will? " "He thinks ho did, mother." Miss A: "He's an absolute stranger to me, but I hear he's been praising my complexion to every one he meets." Miss B: " He's the local chemist, and sells it, dear." "So Vou are back from abroad?" " Yes. The journey was quite exciting. Nino lives were lost on the_ ship on which I travelled." " Nine lives lost? Good gracious! What happened? " "A cat fell overboard."

Spring! For this re-leaf, much thanks.

■" Do you think it would he foolish to marrv my inferior?" " No. impossible!"

" How are you succeeding with your reducing? " I'm afraid I'm a poor loser."

" I hear Dick has been taking you out to dine a lot." u Yes, I'm fod up with him."

Officer (examining bugler recruit): " What would you blow in case of fire?" Bugler: "Lights out!" ,

"How are youP I hear you hare been out of work." " Yes, things are at the end. To-morrow we cook the goldfish!"

Mike: " Well, Pathrick, why won't ve let the doctor operate on ye? " Patrick: " Shuro, an' don't ye'know his name is Kilpatrick? "

Professor: v " Give me the names of the bones that form the human skull." Student: " I've got them all in my head,- bub I can't remember them."

" This necklace is supposed to be unlucky. The last three women who owned it committed suicide." " How interesting. Your husband bought it for you, I suppose?"

Photographer: " Now, little 'girl, look this way and you'll see a pretty birdie." Modern Youngster: " Oh, let's not be absurd; expose tho plate and let's get it over."

He: " Now that we're married, dear, I want to tell you that I intend being boss —or know the reason why." She: " Don't worry, darling; you'll soon know tho reason why!"

American Visitor to England (being shown the sights): "Yoj see that building over there? It is just like one we have in New York, but ours is twice as large!" Guide: "No wonder! That building you see is a mental hospital."

At the Bull-fight: He who hesitates is tossed.

Girls should never throw kisses; it's almost impossible for a girl to hit what sho throws at.

Producer: " You are no good for the films: you stutter." Actor: " But couldn't I make a slow-motion talkie?"

Child: "What is a luxury, dad?" Father: ''A luxury, my son, is something which makes you long when you are short."

Greenhorn (in Wild West): "What's that rope for? " Cowboy: "To catch the cattle with." Greenhorn: "What kind of bait do you use? "

Customer: "You have been giving very short measure lately." Milkman: " Oh, no, mum. It only looks shorter, It iB really semi-condensed."

Office Boy: "A gentleman has called, sir. He would like to know the secret of your success." Boss (cautiously): " Is he a journalist or a detective? "

" Do vou ever hear of the money Smith borrowed last Christmas? " "I hoar of it every day-—I have to listen to the gramophone ho bought with the money."

Susie: " Isn't your sweetheart very intellectual-looking? He appears a man of rare gifts." Maisie: " He is. We've been courting now for 10 years, and he hasn't given me a present yet."

Boss (suspiciously): " Isn't it rather odd that your grandmother is being buried on the day of the big football match?" Office Boy: "Oh, no sir. She wasn't going to it in any caie.

At a big wedding one of the ushers was a well-known footballer, who performed his unaccustomed duties in a conscientious manner, When a party entered the chui'ch and stood uncertainly at the door, the usher went toward them politely and whispered: " There are tome nice seats around centrehalf."