Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21562, 5 August 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Gardener's Complaint: Feeling seedy. " My mother was very handsome." " So you take after your father." A Good Dentist: One who gets the tootli, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth. Fussy Old. Lady (as wireless announcer sneezes): " There now! That's how the''Hit is spread!" Yes, an invoice! "Men generally have a voice in the furnishing of their homes these days," says a writer.

Boss: " Why have you put down twelve find six for overhead expenses?" Traveller: " That was an umbrella I bought." Garrulous Barber: " Yes, sir, last week J. was very, very quiet." Customer: " I only wish I'd known that. I'd have come in before." Conductor (to people standing on tram): "Pass farther down the tram, ploase." Small boy (with old man): "It ain't father—it's grandfather." Nervous Passenger: " But what would you do if the boat capsized? " Boatman: " Oh, don't worry about me, mum. I've nothing on that will spoil."

Lovo is a game that often ends in a tie. Men arc just the opposite to gun's; the smaller the calibre the greater the bore. , " Pigs do better in styes than in paddocks." The pen is mightier than the sward. 9 " That Miss Smith can't tell a thing without exaggerating." " Did . you ever ask her ago?" " I work in a shirt factory." " Well, why are you not working to-day?" " Wo aro making nightshirts." Tramp: " Give me your pocket-book and watch." Festive One: " But, my dear fellow, I don't even know you." An American fdm actress was applying for a passport. "Unmarried?" she was asked. " Occasionally," she answered. Mother (to small son): "You have been naughty. I shall tell your father." Son: "That's right—women never could keep a secrot." Mother: " Tommy, you have been very naughty, .after promising to obey mo." Tommy: " Well, you oneo promised to obey dad." " That lawyer of mine has a nerve." "Why so?" "Listen to this item in his bill: 'For waking up in the night and thinking over j'our case, £1 Is Burglar: " What aro you laughing at?" Householder: "That you como at night withbut a light to look for money where I can't find any in broad daylight." Prospective limploycr: "Do you think you know enough to bo useful in this office?" Boy: " Know enough? Why, I left my last place because tho boss said I knew too much." Departing Guest: " You'vo got a nice place here, Gerry, but it looks a little bare yet." Host: " Oh, it's only bocnuso tho trees are still a little young! I hope they'll have grown to a good size before you como again."

"Do you want those eggs turned over?" "Yes, to the museum."

" It's sad about Dick. The poor chap was disappointed in love." " Well, who isn't?"

" I hear old Tom is travelling in gas-ovens now." "Beally? Can't ho airord a car?" Clefrk: " I hear you had some money left you." Cashier: " Yes, it left mo a long time ago." "How are you, Mrs. Brown?" "Oh, I've nothing to grumblo at." " Mr. BrowD away then? " " Have't you and Jack been engaged long enough to got married?" "Too long. He hasn't a penny left." " Mother says she nearly died laughing over thoso funny stories you told her." " Where is she? I know some funnier ones." " You only married mo because my uncle left mo some money." " Nothing of the kind. I'd married" you whoever left it to you." Film Producer: " You will be confronted by a lion—" Actor: "Suppose it devours me? " " Never mind that—you have a double! " " Why are you burning our old love-letters, George dear?" "I've just made my will. I don't want it contested on the grounds of insanity." i( " Henry dear," said Henry's aunt, " aren't you sometimes afraid you'll lose control of tho car?" "Constantly," replied Henry; " I'm two instalments behind already." " I think it's a disgusting state of affairs when ono reads of comedians earning more than cabinet ministers." " Oh, I don't know! On tho whole, they're funnier!" " Pa, what's the difference between a statesman and a politician?" "A statesman, my son, wants to do something for his country; a politician wants his country to do something for him."