Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21473, 22 April 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

A Washout: Usually on Mondays. A woman can't throw a stone, but she can hoavo a sigh. Friend: " What is your son taking up at college this year?" Dear Old Dad: " Spaco —nothing but space." Sir Oliver Lodge has declined a proposal that he shall go to Hollywood to appear in a film dealing with spiritualism. " Has Bliggins an ear for music?" " Yes. The trouble is that ho won't limit hiinsolf to his ears, but insists on trying to use his voice.'"

Mother: "Why. Johnny, what have you done with all your money? Your money-box is empty! " Johnny: " Well, mother, yesterday was a rainy day, so I spent it."

A Scotsman, upon entering a saddler's, asked for a single spur. " What use is one spur? " asked the man. " Well," replied Sandy, " if I can get one side of the horse to go tho other one will hae to come wi' it."

The miser is known by the money he keeps.

Tales of His Swordod Past: A famous French duellist is writing his memoirs.

Bore: That's a strange clock. Host: Yes; we call it " The Guest." "Why?" " It won't go."

" My wife has the worst memory i ever heard of." " Forgets everything, eh?" " No; remembers everything."

" John, dear, when wo nre married we must have many servants." " You shall have as many as you want—but not all at once."

Diner (to waiter with black eye): " Why don't you apply a piece of steak to it?" Waiter: "It was a lump o' steak the gentleman threw at me."

" Are you sure that you have no close relations who could help you out of your financial difficulty?" "No. That's the trouble —they're too close."

Traveller (at country station, to porter): " Did you label nil those bags for Rotorua?" Porter: " No, I 'ad to do them all Hamilton. We've run out of labels for Rotorua.

A grocer was apologising for having to ask a lady to carry her own parcel home. " I'm sorry to have to ask you to do this, ma'am, but I've no one }j ere — mv right hand's away with a swollen foot! "

The cake bad been passed to everyone at the table but Bobbie, aged three and a-half years. Bobbie asked for some. His Mother: " No, dear; banana cake is too heavy for little boys." Bobbie: (after several seconds of thought): "Well, I'll use both hands."

" Tho most amazing coincidence I ever remembered happened on the eleventh day of the eleventh month, when 1 lived in a house with number eleven on the door, and I backed the eleventh horse in the race." " The horse won, I suppose?" " Nothing of the kind. The beastly animal came in eleventh."

A flirt often plays with hearts to win diamonds.

Hollywood Record: A cook has been with the same mistress for nearly four husbands.

He: " If you refuse me I shall never love another woman." She: " And if 1 accept you, does it still hold good?"

Brown: " Did you give your wife that lecture on economy?" Jones: "Yes." Brown: Any results? " Jones: " I've got to givo up smoking."

Smith: Did Jones ever pay back that pound he borrowed? Brown: No. Ho olfered to toss me double or quits, and J won. So now ho owes me two.

Mistress: This pie is absolutely burnt, Nora: did you make it according to instructions in the cookery hook? " Nora: "No, ma'am; it's me own cremation."

" You remember Agnes at college, don't you? " " Why, no; I don't recall such a person." " Well, she was the plainest girl in our class —but I forgot —that was after you loft."

" Sir, your daughter has promised to bo my wife,' said tho young man. " Well, don't como to me for sympathy. I knew something would happen to you hanging round tho house every evening," was the unexpected reply.

The mathematics master noticed that one of his pupils was day-dreaming, and not following his work on the blackboard. To recall his attention he said sharply: " Board, Brown, Board 1" The boy, startled, looked up. " Yes, sir, very!" came the reply.

The Mayor was asked to drive the first ball on the new municipal golf course. In his simple igtiorance his Worship, no player, consented. When the day arrived he made a terrific swipe, sent the ball five yards and uprooted an immense turf. " Ladies and gentlemen," said the Mayor, turning blandly to the spectators, " I have pleasure in declaring this course open —wide open."