Current Humour

New Zealand Herald, Volume LXX, Issue 21467, 15 April 1933, Page 5 (Supplement)

Current Humour

Toper's Epitaph: " This is on me." Golfer's Swan Song: "The wearing o' the green." A man claims that he can produce rain at will. Most people prefer to raise tho wind. "You are very hoarse to-day." " Yes; my husband caine home late last night." Wedding Rings: " Many people are using the telephone to arrange marriages," a clergyman says.

Ho told the shy maid of his love; The colour left her cheeks — But on tho shoulder of his coat It showed for many -weeks. Brown: "Do you know, I'm losing my memory. It's worrying me to death." Jones (sympathetically): " Never inind, old man. Forget all about it." Tho average husband, says a writer, frequently speaks to his wife with his tongue in his cheek. And his wife generally replies with her cheek in her tongue.

Overhead Charges: The wife's new hat. Over the Styx: A jockey says he believes there will bo racing in the next world. Dagg: " Have any luck in hunting lions in Africa?" Quagg: Yes, I didn't meet one." " Her husband was a judge, wasn't he?" " Everybody thought so until he married her." Love at First Sito: A man in court said' ho bought a bouse five minutes after ho saw it. Tho Schoolboy Chuckled: When ho hoard that several old masters were under tho hammer. Postman's Knock: W. Bligh, a postman, made 76 in a South African crickot match. Another Noah is wanted to-day: He floated a company when tho rest of tho world was in liquidation. An expert says that there 20 different kinds of fogs. Does this include tho one in which some arc left by the sales tax regulations? "Only cheese for lunch?" "Yes; the cutlets caught fire and it spread to the apple tart, so I had to uso the soup to put it out." Dropping the Hint: " I don't know how it is, but I feel quite wound up this evening," he confided. " And yet you won't go?" she commiserated. Husband (annoyed): " Another new hat! Aren't you upsetting our budget?" Wife: " Why, no, dear. You know wo made a liberal allowance for overhead expenses." American (as " Flying Scotsman " dashes through station): "I suppose you call that an express?" Porter: " Oh, no. That's only George doing a bit of shunting. He'll bo back in a minute!"

How Freightful:] " Shipping costs increased." An American says that he loves being in a London fog. Most people can see nothing in it. Ada: " Have you soon the ring ho gave me?" Anne: " Not for a long time, dear." He Was Game: The other day a man named Hare tackled a gang of toughs single-handed. Old Lady (to policeman): " I've lost my canary. Would you mind notifying tho Flying Squad?" A Plate-Layer: In a police court in London recently a man described himself as a dentist's labourer. Another Missing Link: A landslide in America recently caused part of a golf course to disappear. A pestologist states that thousands of germs can live on the point of a needle. It seems a most extraordinary diet. Boarder: "I say! There's a tadpole in my washing water!" Landlady: " Well, what do you expect for 30s a week —herrings?" " I'm the happiest man in the world. I have the best wife in the country." " Well, who wouldn't be happy with his wife in tho country?" " Would you like some bread and butter, Sammy?" "No." "No, what?" " You shouldn't say ' what,' auntie; you should say ' I beg your pardon " French police know all about a crime an hour after it is committed," says an authority. A proud American points out that in Chicago thoy often know about it before it is committed. Dentist's Wife: " Why do you open the door of the waiting-room when I sing?" Dentist: " I want to show other clients that the noise is not made by tho patient in the chair."